Helga wrote that she believes that many who have been injured (in therapies, sects, cults etc.) are ashamed they have let themselves be exploited. And this unmotivated shame is holding them in the victim’s role. This is the reason why defectors (avhoppare) from sects are prevented from clearly and in detail relating/telling how and with what means the wool was pulled over their eyes (hur och med vilka medel de blev förda bakom ljuset). And Michelle and Helga thought Helga had been in a form of sect or cult even in her therapy.Because of this shame-feeling in the injured the perpetrators can, unpunished, continue with their destructive activities. This is the reason why I have tried not to forget what happened to me and to understand it in all important aspects Helga writes.
I can’t change facts. That I was exploited as a child and misled by people whom I trusted on and now also by my therapist – that can’t be undone. But the remaining results of these violations I knew about. They consisted of disregard of the person I am and of my achievements. All I did for others was valueless in my eyes, and later I struggled like a slave (people in Feeling therapy worked themselves exhausted and thus even less capable of being critical and questioning things than they maybe were from the beginning) and let myself be exploited Helga writes.
When we make this clear to us; that the psychological results of a tragic childhood contains of a weak self-confidence we can get over its results as grown ups.
When we have made this clear to ourselves we have already weakened the compulsion to re-enact. We realize that we were oppressed children, patients, sect-followers, but with this insight we take the liberty not being that any more she thinks.
Gurus and leaders can’t take those steps she thinks. They have to remain at the top, no matter what it costs. Therefore they are steadfastly denying the fact that they were victims earlier (in their childhood and maybe also later as adults) and flee into the power, into promises about cure, into roles, poses, dissimulation and not seldom into frauds. And this is also true in family-systems, where a parent (usually a father) has to remain on top? Denying they were harmed once?
A human being whom has survived the childhood’s oppression will hardly flee to a power-position. If he has integrated his experiences he can liberate himself from compulsions and meet his partner and friends in an open communication.
Tragically there have been women stuck in this ‘sect’ for years without realising this Helga thought with shivers. But she only just (med nöd och näppe) got out of its claws and she shivers realizing what could have happened. There were other women, who had become bodily ill (paralyzed or at least bodily handicapped) and stuck in their homes, and Helga visited those, while the therapist got the fees. When Helga realized this she felt like a fool.
Helga writes to Michelle that thanks to her presence and her letters she has got help showing her feelings, and to no longer hide in solitude, but entrust herself to people whom want her best. Thus being able to break walls of silence; both those in therapy as those in her childhood. Maybe not all, but enough to free her from the worst?
Yes, to handle those things the best and bring these topics out “into the world” most effectively, how do we make this? How do we deal with those things and act in a way that is as little destructive or self-destructive, but constructive – and more effective and productive?
Why haven’t we been able to change so much in our own lives (haven’t we) although we have read Miller for maybe twenty years??
And why does this take such a long time? Does it?
Is it because we have to do most of the work on our own, and thus in a much slower pace?
And would our strivings be better and more efficient (effective) if we had solved our own problems to a higher degree? So we saw clearer and don’t bring so much of our unsolved stuff into things, especially into those that are most important?
Addition: To what degree is it possible to change dysfunctional behavior to a functional, and can we be cured by symbolically doing things? And if so, to what degree? But with this not said we don't have responsibility for what we do, say, how we behave... It's no excuse, but only an explanation. Because we have responsibility, no matter how harmed we have been? And are we allowed to meet abuse with abuse? Is it constructive to meet the one with contempt that can't handle her/his life better, that someone is weak etc.?
And if things haven't changed so much in our lives; why haven't they?
Are people deliberately and consciously trying to find abusive people to be around? Destructive drives we have to learn to control? Didn't learn to control early?? As Freud thought?? Ideas many therapists still are working after, without being aware of it maybe, or are even denying they are working after? Is this the Primary defense; the child blaming itself for being so lousy in handling things? In others this can be about blaming others (but this doesn't exclude questioning things if it is needed, but the difficulty is to know the difference!?)? Or struggling in a false hope of being able to change a situation, person etc.? etc. Postings under the label Primary defence.
Morning-tea in cups from Nittsjö keramik (lying in Rättvik, Dalarna).
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