Responsibility...

on my bike ride before lunch I suddenly sensed the fragrance of Bird Cherries (hägg), but couldn't see the tree.

What is my responsibility concerning other people/human beings? What is my responsibility in protecting other grown ups?

It stood about this in the book I referred to in an earlier posting (the addition in the end) "Nystart i livet - hitta tillbaka till livsglädjen efter utbrändhet" or "Starting anew - finding the joy of living again after a burnout” * and it got stuck.

Now there was a readers’ letter at Miller’s web on these things too; how to protect other clients from a bad, harming therapist one has had a person wondered.

I came to think of what Helga writes in “Paths of Life.” For a long time Helga was tormented by the thought that she had recommended her therapist to colleagues. Then she believed in her (male) therapist’s integrity as strongly as they did now. During the meantime she had got to know that in this “sect” there were women who had been caught in the trap for years without realising this, tragically.

Now she wrote to Michelle, her friend that she thought this man’s followers, admirers and victims choose what they HAVE to choose because of their life history. She stopped feeling responsible for their future when she became aware of that she saw the small Helga in them, the small girl who wanted to love her mother to whatever prize but who couldn’t see her own situation through, because nobody had assisted her.

It was this little Helga she wanted to help when she engaged herself in discussions with a Barbara and other dependent.

No she could dissolve this “self-transference,” because now she wasn’t alone any more. She had the contact with her new therapist, Brigit and now also Michelle. And she through Michelle’s mere presence had helped her showing her feelings, and not hide any more in loneliness, but entrust herself to people whom wanted her best. As a child she had no choices. But today she has.

Miller thinks that a human being who has survived the childhood’s oppression consciously would hardly flee to a power position. If she has integrated his/her experiences he/she can liberate herself from compulsions and meet her/his partner and friends in an open communication. And if not she/he can’t.

I think I will come back to this topic, later. Maybe soon. :-)

Addition: Pia Mellody writes about this too?? **

* Madeleine Åsbrink has five advices on how to create balance in ones life:

1. Respect your boundaries (my addition: if you know them, or are aware of them at all), say NO when needed (my addition: if you know when you are entitled to this that is?).
2. Take responsibility for yourself, and let others take responsibility for themselves (yes, sometimes, or more often than we believe, we should let others take responsibility for themselves?).
3. Give because you want to, not for that you want to get something back.
4. Life isn’t something you shall “manage”. Have fun and enjoy all the great, fantastic, good in life (my addition: if you can and if you see the good and if it exists in your life).
5. Relations are of vital importance. Surround yourself with people you like and who make you feel good. Dare to show your vulnerability and ask for help.

** Yes, according to Jenson (page 20 in the Swedish edition of her book) dysfunctional behaviours are for instance exaggerated responsible taking often connected with exaggerated control(ling) (of others)?

When we are worried over if a grown up family-member is going to remember making an important thing and we remind her/him about it (without having been asked doing so).

When we continue to worry about a problem after having done all we can about it (particularly if it is another person’s problem) we are compulsory (?).

See Jane again (here, here and here) about refusing to take a responsibility that isn’t hers. But I wonder how "natural" and "genuine" and really constructive this becomes, if you are told doing this from outside so to say, by a therapist for instance... Without needing to understand or explain why you have those problems, inabilities, needs.

And I think Jenson is right when she says something in the style that if you unconsciously rewrite your history the failure will become inevitable. I.e., you can make an interpretation, maybe very intelligent, but it maybe wasn't quite like this, but in a way you couldn't think of or imagine. Or what you thought out was only a part of the truth? And maybe not the most important, or how I shall express this?

Irresponsibility is something else? Because of course we can behave irresponsibly? And many of us do. Yes, we can also refuse taking a responsibility we SHOULD take? Thinking loudly here...

See earlier posting with the label "responsible taking/being irresponsible."

Guruer, helbrägdagörare och ledare...

from a walk January 23, 2007, taken with my cellphone camera.

Slog mig plötsligt vad Alice Miller skrivit om guruer och ledare, se bland annat sidan 157 i ”Vägar i livet”:

”Med ledare och guruer är det svårt att säga var det medvetna upphör och det omedvetna börjar manifestera sig. Mången guru drivs av krafter som han själv inte är medveten om. Annars behövde han inte bygga upp ett så komplicerat system åt sig att han endast med destruktiva medel kan vidmakthålla det. /…/

Bland sekternas grundare finns många paranoida och megalomana [storhetsvansinniga] psykotiker som i mängden av anhängare söker skydd mot den egna ångesten, i det att de erbjuder sig som hjälpare eller helbrägdagörare./…/

…de vill undkomma sin barnsliga vanmakt och bekämpa denna på det symboliska planet samtidigt som erbjuder de sig som räddare, eftersom de genom sina anhängares lovprisningar äntligen känner sig mäktiga istället för vanmäktiga. Men så fort de fruktar att bli genomskådade tvingar de med hotelser sina lärjungar att tiga. Självmord är en extrem form av tigande.”

Tänker på vad Ingeborg Bosch skriver om hjälp- och maktlöshet (dvs. om vanmakt). Om försvaren falsk makt vrede och falsk makt förnekande av behov (False Power Denial of Needs)… Försvar som ger oss en falsk känsla av makt och som är verksamma även idag som vuxna i den mån vi inte har bearbetat det som var upphovet till dessa försvar.

Tidigare postningar under kategorin powerlessness, power, power abuse, the need for power och the need for power and control. Se också om backward psycho classes.

Tror vi kan möta detta hos både ledare av olika storlekar (dvs. på lika nivåer), hos terapeuter och andra hjälpare (både profesionella och även på det privata området) m.m.

Men försvaren mot hjälplösheten då kan också yttra sig på andra sätt, helt motsatta mot (den oemotståndliga) driften och enorma behovet att skaffa sig makt tror jag...

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Struck me yesterday all of a sudden about what Miller has written about healers (of all kinds, in form of therapists, both educated and not) and about gurus and leaders of all kinds, and quoted a passage in Miller’s book “Paths of Life” from page 157 in the Swedish edition. A passage where it stands that gurus and leaders of all kinds (even in the form of helpers) at last feel (or can feel or are given the opportunity to feel) powerful (potent) instead of powerless (impotent!?) when and if they get power (over a "weaker")... But as soon as they fear being seen through they force their disciples to silence. And suicide is the extreme form of silence Miller writes.

Above I have linked to earlier postings about these topics and connected topics.

On Miller's web it stands about "Paths of Life":

"How do our first experiences of pain and love affect our future adult lives and our relationships with others? This is the key question which runs through the seven 'life stories' collected here. Each scenario is a fictional account of a damaged past and the repercussions it has in later life. The narratives explore the suffering and loneliness felt in the individual's formative years. For some, the pain and inner isolation has dominated their adulthood and prevented them from enjoying fulfilling relationships despite the desire and need for contact and communication. For others, old fears and defensive patterns have been conquered, enabling them to enter into healthy relationships and find contentment."

from one of two places where I use to write.

I just got the message that a friend and former colleague of mine, a 46-year old (jazz-)pianist has died! He was rehearsing in Stockholm on Tuesday and got a bleeding in the brain. And died yesterday. He left a family with a 5-year-old son.

I haven't quite understood this!?

See here, here and here.
What a birthday present...