Loud thinking…

[Updated Septemer 2]. “It’s all about to start treating kids well!” Yes, we shall not spank or beat kids, not scream at them or at anybody else when kids are witnessing. We can (and should) change our behavior.

But more people ought to be interested in understanding themselves, so we can avoid as much as possible of unconscious manipulation. We should maybe be interested in this for our own sake too.

We should call things in our childhood in question and get support in seeing these things as wrong.

Does such help exist from professionals though?

I am not sure we have to (or should) settle account with our parents or early caregivers… We shouldn’t do this in a violent way. The best would we if we could bring this up with them as adult to adult. In many cases this is not possible though.

I think those who should need to change the most are the less inclined or willing to do this. While others blame themselves harshly for not being “perfect.” But the latter probably have fewer reasons to question themselves. I think.

Addition September 2: It's not about just understanding with your head. If it was everything would be solved already. You have to understand your kid on an emotional level to a certain degree too to avod harming her/him, I think...

Vara förstående-oförstående, god eller ond...

Tänker på mormodern som med värme säger om sitt barnbarn:

"Han är så omtänksam!"

Barnen till denna mormor växte upp med uppfattningen att antingen "förstod" man eller så "förstod man inte"?

Dvs. antingen är man förmögen att leva sig in i en annans situation och känna medkänsla med denna andra eller så är man inte född med dessa förmågor? Dessa förmågor tillhör ens "läggning" (dvs. ens medfödda personlighet, dvs. ens gener) och ingenting annat (att barn behandlas olika av diverse anledningar och behandlas olika från allra första början)? Vi är födda goda eller onda, omtänksamma eller inte omtänksamma, tänkande på eller inte tänkande på?

För det första: varför var (är) detta så viktigt, med förmågan att "förstå" och "leva sig in"? För vems skull?

För att fylla mammans behov? Även om hon förnekade de flesta av sina behov och för alla är den totalt självuppoffrande och bara tänker på sina barn och bara lever för dem.

Eller just för att hon förnekar alla sina behov? Både de vuxna hon borde ha nu, men inte minst de "barnsliga" som hon borde ha fått fyllda då (och som aldrig kan fyllas nu), ja, ÄVEN om hennes barn "ger och ger och ger" henne och har "gett" henne under hela sina uppäxter, så kommer inget att fylla det hål som skapades tidigt i hennes liv.

Hon måste eller borde erkänna denna brist och sörja den istället. För sin egen skull inte minst?

Medan jag nu fixade förmiddagsfika slår mig om det "att förstå." Dvs. att kunna leva sig in i andra. "Att förstå" i den betydelsen. Men kan man det om man inte först fått förstå sig själv?

Förresten: hur är det att lyssna till en "utsaga" som den första? I en syskonkrets (medan alla fortfarande bor hemma) till exempel. Hur tolkar de andra barnen detta (och är den mer eller mindre medvetna avsikten att de ska tolka en dylik utsaga):

"Aha, jag är inte omtänksam?? (men jag borde vara sån!? Om jag vore, då skulle jag få kärlek*)."

En utsaga för att manipulera sina barn (även om den kanske inte alls är medveten)? Är det faktiskt detsamma som mamman som sa:

"Du/den är så snäll!"

om sina barn?

Denna mormoder borde, om inte förr så nu, ifrågasätta det som lett till beteendet ovan!!?? Vi borde kunna prata mycket öppnare om dessa saker i samhället än vad vi kan - eller gör!

Verkligen våga titta på dessa saker mycket mer än vi kan eller gör!! Och inte minst borde professionella göra detta! Och vara indignerade över detta sakernas tillstånd.

Att bara prata om dessa saker i terapi leder ingenstans dock? Att jobba på känslor kan också ha sina problem. Och att manipulera sina känslor via affirmationer och (kognitiv och gestalt) beteendeterapi leder alltför ofta inte till långsiktig återhämtning...

Om vi kan prata om dessa saker öppet kan förmodligen innebära väldigt mycket, för forna offer och även för nuvarande. Och innebära en massa för de terapier som praktiseras och för terapeuter som praktiserar dem.

* Förmodligen skulle detta barn inte få kärlek hur denna/denne än ansträngde sig, hur perfekt, god, vacker, duktig i skolan osv. denna/denne än var. För förmågan att älska finns helt enkelt inte där, eller är skadad. Något som inte har ett dugg med barnet (eller någon av barnen eller deras påstådda egenskaper) att göra. Vilket ett barn inte kan inse på egen hand, för det skulle inte överleva den insikten.

To “understand” and “forgive”…

visited one of my old schools today (see here too.).

I had even more reflections over the phenomenon ”understanding” and ”to understand” when I drove to a service of my car and during the service of it today…

To understand OTHER people! But can you if you don’t (and haven’t been allowed or got the opportunity) to understand yourself? Doesn’t one have to start with oneself? And maybe understand not so pleasant things about oneself? Even very painful things? Truths about oneself and ones life?

Each one of us ought to have that responsibility understanding oneself?

Thought about forgiveness once again, and forgiveness connected to understanding. If you forgive you are a good, broad-minded, grown up person! But WHOM and WHAT have one understood actually? The forgiving is a higher standing human being, even morally? Is a better human being? And gets universal improvement and applauses!!!?? If you are faithful to one or both parents you get applauses! Even from so called helpers!! (therapists, psychologists etc.).

The back of forgiveness and understanding is what? Or what can it lead to?

Exploitation and being used? For some, preferably women (but probably also for many men).

You understand and forgive once again in a false hope of changing the other person/part? Or you use false power anger or false power denial of needs to avoid being forced to deal with anything that demands realization, recognition of a painful truth?

A fourth way is blaming oneself, maybe even harshly!!

And many possibly switch between these protection strategies or defenses…

And never the two really meet!

And you keep on directing things at scapegoats or symbols!? And this strategy will never solve anything. Because I think Miller is right: trying to solve your problems symbolically will never lead to recovery. Not even a slightest bit of recovery??

I think Bosch and Jenson are right here…

PS. And the whole society suffers from a cleverness mania! From cleverness at work to being able to walk further whatever has happened to you!!! Of course some manage with this!!! But why do they? And why do other people have difficulties with this? I don't think this has with genes or inherited traits to do!

I tried to find to whom Jesus said "Take your bed and go" and found a site called "The Bible-school" (Swedish site) and dropped my cheek over the underlying moralistic tone in the text!!! As I read it at least!

Love and communication…

from a very nice walk in a stream bed...

In one of our evening papers they wrote about love, sex, and partnership a couple of days ago…

I quote from it: A cut off communication can be difficult taking up again. But it is possible, even if it demands both patience and understanding.

Things that happened here made me reflect on the topic “understanding” and forgiveness on a walk late this afternoon… I was quite upset walking in the woods. Thought on where I want to give it, of free will because a person is so important, and where I don’t really want to give it, because I am not really free to choose and have never been free choosing, but forced to understand and forgive and think on!!! Do I at last have this right? In the age I am!! Horrible it is like this! That I am still not really, really sure? Or am I, a bit more?

Lack of lust can have many bottoms, often a combination of both outer and inner factors which influences us.

Long term stress, anxiety and lack of sleep can create an undefined depression. A low self-esteem and inner demands can be reasons.

The basic, fundamental rules for communication are honesty, respect and sensitiveness for hearing. From both parts I want to add (seen to my parents’ marriage, where there wasn’t balance in that respect!!).

When you want to bring something up/about with your partner, try to start from your self, your thoughts, emotions and needs.

Describe what you appreciate and what you feel good by.

• Remember/don’t forget: to talk, laughter - and sex.
• Show consideration and solicitude. Do something that is good for your partner. A showed consideration makes a big difference and it doesn’t always have to be something magnificent to have effect. Rather small expressions of love each day than one big half a year.
• Give each other time: both you and your partner need space and time for recovery and for resting. That’s beneficial for the lust. In everyday life you can take responsibility for different days when it comes to household things. Let one evening be your own, where you yourself decide what you want to do. If you want to sleep, do exercise, meet friends or just be.
• Touch is life important. Upgrade everyday petting/necking! A kiss, a caress and a warm hand are things which gives us power and energy. It awakens desire and lust and all our senses. Everything doesn’t have to lead to sex necessarily, but being reminded about the partnership and that longing exists is beneficial.

• Be glad over the differences. You and your partner are different. Remaking (?) each other (trying to make the other person to somebody else) is nothing to aim at. Allow the differences and see them as an inspiring source to development. However, some conflicts are important clearing out. Then do this with great respect for yourself and the one you love. You ought to have the sight directed at finding a new balance in feeling well together.