Perfectionism, performance anxiety, stage fright – and unconditional love...

Some loud morning thoughts triggered by an article in the Swedish magazine “Opus" number 23/2009.

The Swedish musician, the trombonist, composer and conductor, Christian Lindberg in an interview:

“Jan Sandström [the Swedish composer] has taught me a lot about performance anxiety. For example, in his concert Don Quixote it is included to 'do wrong'. All those things people are taking beta blockers to avoid are there.

To me he said: 'You shall write a piece and if it becomes bad it shall be bad.' It's about the art of not being faultless.

A five year old kid drawing a drawing isn't thinking on what he is doing. But at six somebody says: 'How nice you are drawing' and after hearing such a thing he starts trying to draw nice.

I try to quit this.”

Do all kids react in this way? Yes, many do (most do?). But why?

Research has found that women tend to suffer more from stage fright than men. Why is that? They have higher demands on themselves and from the environment (on certain things at least, or no expectations on being able to achieve, even though they could make very good achievements in this special area). Girls and women are taught to think on all and everyone (usually)?

All those things belong together; perfect achievements, performance anxiety, stage fright!? You haven't become loved for the one you are/were, but for what you do/did and achieve/achieved (and if you was taught this early you continue being anxious and insecure, whether you admit to it or not, hide to yourself or others or not).

Therefore achievements becomes so tricky for many? Either you under achieve or over achieve, or switch between those two.

Because you had to achieve to get “love”, whether it was outspoken or not.

But that “love” was conditional, not unconditional.

Our conception of “love” is more or less crippled (in some people more, in others less) because we haven't experienced what love actually is?

It's too hard for a child to realize:

“But this is not love!!! My parent(s) don't love me!!!”

So he/she has to believe her/his parents love him/her. And put the blame on itself, because somewhere he/she feels something is wrong, without being able to put words on it (probably occurring so early in life so the child had no words for his/her emotions and feelings).

There is a say in Sweden

“The one you love you punish.”

You want to cause the person you “love” pain? Why is that?

Thus causing a person you “love” pain is a sign of ”love.”

“I do it for your best!”

To save and rescue you, and teach you how to behave...

About Christian Lindberg on Wikipedia, his official homesite.

The home site of Jan Sandström. Read about is "Motorbike Odyssey".

PS. The Swedish composer Sven-David Sandström

"...is a former member of the faculty at Indiana University Bloomington's Jacobs School of Music where he taught for ten years. At Indiana University he is known for casually sauntering across the stage rather than taking a bow after one of his works is performed."

Putting the student in the center...

just got this cartoon from a friend, click to make it larger.

Quite tiredly, thinking loudly: Something that has been spoken about for the last fifteen years here is “To put the student in the center.” At the same time we teachers shall compete in ways we didn't earlier (or have I forgotten how it actually was earlier, am I idealizing earlier times? But this doesn't mean I want old times back either, because it was probably other things then I don't want back now).

Fifteen years ago individual salary was introduced here too. And there are probably other similar things that was introduced then...

We are played out against each other. And many were skeptical to this and still are, thought many would become ass-kissers.

I thought the idea behind this was quite insolent too; as if we hadn't done a good job earlier and put a lot of efforts on doing a good job!

How many teachers try to prove how great they are through their students (even more than before)?

These wonders make me think further: to prove they/we are worth, love for instance? The (unconditional) love we didn't get as kids?

To prove our worth through students, in a similar manner as parents use their kids as outer signboards? Fulfilling the parents needs...

So are the students put in the center or are things done for their best?? Yes, for whose best are things actually done?

Has it become more fun working than it was before?

No, I would say.

Team work is a new model too. But do we work better together today than we did? For a good cause?

When I returned from the last vacation I also thought that

“'The state' isn't that actually WE, all people? We together? All human beings living in a country (or society)!? Not the politicians or power people, definitely not more than all we other people!? We are all entitled to raise our voices and call things in question!? And maybe we ought to do this too?”

Politicians, power people, governments aren't more than we grassroots are actually in this respect? They have only gotten our authorization, and nothing more. And actually, they ought to know this and be aware of this!?

Even in today's world we need to cooperate! We are dependent on each other, in similar, the same or different ways as earlier times' people. We are both strong and fragile, no matter if we are rich or poor.

See earlier postings on unequal societies and the connections to the health (not only among the poor, but also among the rich).

Vara förstående-oförstående, god eller ond...

Tänker på mormodern som med värme säger om sitt barnbarn:

"Han är så omtänksam!"

Barnen till denna mormor växte upp med uppfattningen att antingen "förstod" man eller så "förstod man inte"?

Dvs. antingen är man förmögen att leva sig in i en annans situation och känna medkänsla med denna andra eller så är man inte född med dessa förmågor? Dessa förmågor tillhör ens "läggning" (dvs. ens medfödda personlighet, dvs. ens gener) och ingenting annat (att barn behandlas olika av diverse anledningar och behandlas olika från allra första början)? Vi är födda goda eller onda, omtänksamma eller inte omtänksamma, tänkande på eller inte tänkande på?

För det första: varför var (är) detta så viktigt, med förmågan att "förstå" och "leva sig in"? För vems skull?

För att fylla mammans behov? Även om hon förnekade de flesta av sina behov och för alla är den totalt självuppoffrande och bara tänker på sina barn och bara lever för dem.

Eller just för att hon förnekar alla sina behov? Både de vuxna hon borde ha nu, men inte minst de "barnsliga" som hon borde ha fått fyllda då (och som aldrig kan fyllas nu), ja, ÄVEN om hennes barn "ger och ger och ger" henne och har "gett" henne under hela sina uppäxter, så kommer inget att fylla det hål som skapades tidigt i hennes liv.

Hon måste eller borde erkänna denna brist och sörja den istället. För sin egen skull inte minst?

Medan jag nu fixade förmiddagsfika slår mig om det "att förstå." Dvs. att kunna leva sig in i andra. "Att förstå" i den betydelsen. Men kan man det om man inte först fått förstå sig själv?

Förresten: hur är det att lyssna till en "utsaga" som den första? I en syskonkrets (medan alla fortfarande bor hemma) till exempel. Hur tolkar de andra barnen detta (och är den mer eller mindre medvetna avsikten att de ska tolka en dylik utsaga):

"Aha, jag är inte omtänksam?? (men jag borde vara sån!? Om jag vore, då skulle jag få kärlek*)."

En utsaga för att manipulera sina barn (även om den kanske inte alls är medveten)? Är det faktiskt detsamma som mamman som sa:

"Du/den är så snäll!"

om sina barn?

Denna mormoder borde, om inte förr så nu, ifrågasätta det som lett till beteendet ovan!!?? Vi borde kunna prata mycket öppnare om dessa saker i samhället än vad vi kan - eller gör!

Verkligen våga titta på dessa saker mycket mer än vi kan eller gör!! Och inte minst borde professionella göra detta! Och vara indignerade över detta sakernas tillstånd.

Att bara prata om dessa saker i terapi leder ingenstans dock? Att jobba på känslor kan också ha sina problem. Och att manipulera sina känslor via affirmationer och (kognitiv och gestalt) beteendeterapi leder alltför ofta inte till långsiktig återhämtning...

Om vi kan prata om dessa saker öppet kan förmodligen innebära väldigt mycket, för forna offer och även för nuvarande. Och innebära en massa för de terapier som praktiseras och för terapeuter som praktiserar dem.

* Förmodligen skulle detta barn inte få kärlek hur denna/denne än ansträngde sig, hur perfekt, god, vacker, duktig i skolan osv. denna/denne än var. För förmågan att älska finns helt enkelt inte där, eller är skadad. Något som inte har ett dugg med barnet (eller någon av barnen eller deras påstådda egenskaper) att göra. Vilket ett barn inte kan inse på egen hand, för det skulle inte överleva den insikten.

Perfectionism...

Came to think about perfectionism - and therapists - of some reason this morning (after an early talk on the phone)… In this case it was about having it perfectly cleaned up at home…

And continuing having almost perfectly even though you don’t manage that any longer because you have gotten old and don’t have the same powers or strengths any more. Not capable of grieving that truth, because there are other things behind these needs…

Unless you aren’t perfect you won’t be loved, get love… However, if I become then maybe… Struggling into old age with getting love, a love you will never get, because you should have gotten it then, struggling for a love that didn’t exist. But realizing the truth feels to painful, so the human being continue to struggle her/his whole life.

I thought further: if therapists understood this on an emotional level, not just with their brain, intellect, analysis and theories, they would be capable of helping!??

A client would immediately sense the emotional understanding from the helper.

But many clients continue struggling with therapists just of the reason they don’t get what they need (and are entitled to demand). In a false hope to get it, to enlighten them, make them more sensitive, empathic etc.

Clients do this to avoid the utterly painful disappointment; the original pain is also touched upon. A very justified feeling of disappointment. And that truth was so painful then so the child couldn’t take it in, or in the best cases partly take it in. With no help this truth is unbearable for a child: the truth that it isn’t loved but loved conditionally (but is that real, genuine love?).

A pain that would be bearable today with help and understanding and empathy?

Addition after lunch: Something I wrote two days ago after a nightly talk that felt like a relief…

Miller writes about people in middle-age at last finding a better partner than the one they found when they were younger in “Paths of Life” *… About how people eventually have found the right one fairly late in life. As Claudia, who as middle age had matured as woman, with Mark, and Daniel with Monica…

Relations late in life yet without struggles, but with more capacities than earlier to work these struggles out; work them out in a new and better way than earlier. Struggles not without pain though… Sometimes maybe with considerable pain?

I thought then, two days ago: some of the troubles we have (have had) and are facing would have been unnecessary? Maybe entirely? And we could have been more capable of dealing with difficulties, which ARE inevitable (and has nothing to do with if we are harmed or not??), in a much better way and easier if we hadn’t been harmed early in different ways; emotionally, physically and not so seldom sexually.

Many times also much more constructively, and without causing so much harm and damage, to ourselves and people nearest to us.

We would have been more capable of dealing with other hurt people in a much better way too? With other peoples’ attacks too? And with what they do and have done. In some cases we would probably have withdrawn in an early stage too entirely, because our feelings, emotions were so intact so we sensed and felt in an early stage what could happen?

* On Miller's site it stands about this book:

"How do our first experiences of pain and love affect our future adult lives and our relationships with others?/.../

The narratives explore the suffering and loneliness felt in the individual's formative years.

For some, the pain and inner isolation has dominated their adulthood and prevented them from enjoying fulfilling relationships despite the desire and need for contact and communication. For others, old fears and defensive patterns have been conquered, enabling them to enter into healthy relationships and find contentment./.../

Alice Miller's intention is to encourage us towards an awareness of the need to learn from experience, adapt to change and regain trust in order to break free of the negative effects of childhood trauma."

---

En perfekt värld (A Perfect World).

I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Är det middag i kväll alla kommer va där
I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Hon smetar på läppstift från en postorderaffär

Och hon är vacker när hon ler
Ja hon är vacker när hon ler
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet

I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Alla fotografier står där dom ska
Bland gröna fåtöljer o tapeter i skärt
Hon sätter sig o väntar nu kommer dom snart

Och hon är vacker när hon ler
Ja hon är vacker när hon ler
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet

Dom kommer hit o äter varje kväll
Men dom kommer ju försent varenda kväll

I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Hon dukar av bordet när TV:n är slut
Bland gröna fåtöljer o tapeter i skärt
Ska hon gå o sova eller ska hon gå ut

Och hon är vacker när hon ler
Ja hon är vacker när hon ler
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet