Perfectionism...

Came to think about perfectionism - and therapists - of some reason this morning (after an early talk on the phone)… In this case it was about having it perfectly cleaned up at home…

And continuing having almost perfectly even though you don’t manage that any longer because you have gotten old and don’t have the same powers or strengths any more. Not capable of grieving that truth, because there are other things behind these needs…

Unless you aren’t perfect you won’t be loved, get love… However, if I become then maybe… Struggling into old age with getting love, a love you will never get, because you should have gotten it then, struggling for a love that didn’t exist. But realizing the truth feels to painful, so the human being continue to struggle her/his whole life.

I thought further: if therapists understood this on an emotional level, not just with their brain, intellect, analysis and theories, they would be capable of helping!??

A client would immediately sense the emotional understanding from the helper.

But many clients continue struggling with therapists just of the reason they don’t get what they need (and are entitled to demand). In a false hope to get it, to enlighten them, make them more sensitive, empathic etc.

Clients do this to avoid the utterly painful disappointment; the original pain is also touched upon. A very justified feeling of disappointment. And that truth was so painful then so the child couldn’t take it in, or in the best cases partly take it in. With no help this truth is unbearable for a child: the truth that it isn’t loved but loved conditionally (but is that real, genuine love?).

A pain that would be bearable today with help and understanding and empathy?

Addition after lunch: Something I wrote two days ago after a nightly talk that felt like a relief…

Miller writes about people in middle-age at last finding a better partner than the one they found when they were younger in “Paths of Life” *… About how people eventually have found the right one fairly late in life. As Claudia, who as middle age had matured as woman, with Mark, and Daniel with Monica…

Relations late in life yet without struggles, but with more capacities than earlier to work these struggles out; work them out in a new and better way than earlier. Struggles not without pain though… Sometimes maybe with considerable pain?

I thought then, two days ago: some of the troubles we have (have had) and are facing would have been unnecessary? Maybe entirely? And we could have been more capable of dealing with difficulties, which ARE inevitable (and has nothing to do with if we are harmed or not??), in a much better way and easier if we hadn’t been harmed early in different ways; emotionally, physically and not so seldom sexually.

Many times also much more constructively, and without causing so much harm and damage, to ourselves and people nearest to us.

We would have been more capable of dealing with other hurt people in a much better way too? With other peoples’ attacks too? And with what they do and have done. In some cases we would probably have withdrawn in an early stage too entirely, because our feelings, emotions were so intact so we sensed and felt in an early stage what could happen?

* On Miller's site it stands about this book:

"How do our first experiences of pain and love affect our future adult lives and our relationships with others?/.../

The narratives explore the suffering and loneliness felt in the individual's formative years.

For some, the pain and inner isolation has dominated their adulthood and prevented them from enjoying fulfilling relationships despite the desire and need for contact and communication. For others, old fears and defensive patterns have been conquered, enabling them to enter into healthy relationships and find contentment./.../

Alice Miller's intention is to encourage us towards an awareness of the need to learn from experience, adapt to change and regain trust in order to break free of the negative effects of childhood trauma."

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En perfekt värld (A Perfect World).

I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Är det middag i kväll alla kommer va där
I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Hon smetar på läppstift från en postorderaffär

Och hon är vacker när hon ler
Ja hon är vacker när hon ler
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet

I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Alla fotografier står där dom ska
Bland gröna fåtöljer o tapeter i skärt
Hon sätter sig o väntar nu kommer dom snart

Och hon är vacker när hon ler
Ja hon är vacker när hon ler
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet

Dom kommer hit o äter varje kväll
Men dom kommer ju försent varenda kväll

I sitt perfekta hem i sin perfekta värld
Hon dukar av bordet när TV:n är slut
Bland gröna fåtöljer o tapeter i skärt
Ska hon gå o sova eller ska hon gå ut

Och hon är vacker när hon ler
Ja hon är vacker när hon ler
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet
Men det finns ingen i världen som vet
För lögner som är bra dom är en hemlighet