Things that have struck me the last days of some reason: instilling shame is used as a method raising children. A very effective method. Shame that you feel and react as you do – and that you have needs (that you are needy and childish for instance).
But those needs were much justified, maybe later on perverted, and thus it became more and more difficult to understand their origins. And the needs became more and more "complex."
This method covers what actually happened, covered not only for the ones involved but also for the environment. Making all more or less incapable of seeing what happened/what is happening even.
Later used for the same purpose grown ups between, more or less consciously or deliberately.
Mirrored how? As someone disgusting, ugly, not really lovable…
Unless…
Unless what?
Unless you aren’t perfect; as a human being, in your achievements, how you look (if you are a beauty or not. Only beauties counts!). So the possibility you will be good enough doesn’t even exist. And thus also the possibility of being loved almost doesn’t exist! False hope to get what you miss, if only... Getting needs met that should have become met then, and can't be met afterwards. Continuing to give us problems later, especially in circumstances that are important for us, in relations that are (most) important for us.
A mother and father incapable of loving unconditionally. The child feeling that it isn’t good as it is. A feeling that follows the individual up in grown up age.
A colleague joked with me on a party yesterday evening. He and three more colleagues had entertained with playing on service flats for elderly people. One of those colleagues is retired since five or more years. They had been joking about what demands to have on service flats for their old ages; if the service flats had ranges of culture, for instance a good piano or Grand piano.
“Come and entertain us with your students!!”
my retired colleague ended a lengthy exposition about service flats and their particular entertainment on one here in town.
“Yes, you have to!”
a male colleague sitting next to me said to me.
“But we will land at that service flat at the same time!”
I replied, not really understanding what he meant.
“As we are (exactly) in the same age!!!”
I added, because he looked a little bewildered. As a question mark almost.
“Yes, I am born…”
I said the year (the same as this man, I think, or the year after).
“I thought you were younger [than him? Than I look? With a sigh. I don't have high opinions about how I look...]…”
He replied. He must have thought not so few years!!??
There’s really a lot working here… Not only because of this event, but because of a lot else…
Things I try to put words on…
But it was/is only the child that needs that unconditional love. I think Miller is right there. Grown up doesn’t need it, or shouldn’t need it, if the development had been sound (or what the appropriate word would be?).
But many of us didn’t get that upbringing, so many of us have problems with a lot of things not least when we get in love… Thinking loudly again.
“Thick, tired and ugly in the hair, desperate, disillusioned…”And I have feelings I haven’t put in words yet on the differences between US and Sweden (the Scandinavian countries), let’s see if I manage doing this…
Madeleine Åsbrink in her bok "Starting Anew" at page 18:
“I was frightened to death being unloved, despised and rejected by all people, afraid of becoming totally alone.”
So she had, all her life, tried to adapt and to earn love? Being the clever, managing, and achieving. Was the eldest of three siblings?
She had to learn to say “no”. The response from her environment ranged from a clear lack of approval to acceptation of her and her boundaries. When others responded with sour looks or icing silence she at first started to question herself. She thought it was maybe wrong of her to say no and show what she stood for (did she actually know what she stood for?).
She started to choose what people she wanted to have around her in her life, who liked her for the one she was and is, and for the one she wanted to be.
This quickly led her further to a big and complicated territory for her, namely relations. Who was she in her relations? She discovered that she was the big, strong, driving, initiative-taking, responsible-taking – an one who gave.
She longed for something else, and started the journey towards mutual, reciprocal, warm and near relations. Many of her old relations disappeared during this journey, while others became deepened and new people came into her life too.
The relation with her husband came to a crisis of course. But he had started a parallel journey, and they worked things out with a lot of struggles and efforts, because she had feelings for him still. During this journey the responsibility has been put on the right places she thinks, each one of them take responsibility for their own words, actions, feelings and needs. The trust and relation had to be rebuilt again.
They have both realized that a near relation doesn’t come of itself, but is borne in a conscious work and daily efforts. Both must want to and contribute to hundred percent for a relation to blossom.
She sees herself around and thinks there aren’t many models, but in most cases it is one who wants more than the other in a relation. This makes nearness impossible, a nearness we all are longing for, but as many of us are unconsciously afraid of. Due to early experiences…
Actually Åsbrink writes about her early experiences and in the literature list Alice Miller’s “The Drama” is mentioned.
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