Unconditional love…

Things that have struck me the last days of some reason: instilling shame is used as a method raising children. A very effective method. Shame that you feel and react as you do – and that you have needs (that you are needy and childish for instance).

But those needs were much justified, maybe later on perverted, and thus it became more and more difficult to understand their origins. And the needs became more and more "complex."

This method covers what actually happened, covered not only for the ones involved but also for the environment. Making all more or less incapable of seeing what happened/what is happening even.

Later used for the same purpose grown ups between, more or less consciously or deliberately.

Mirrored how? As someone disgusting, ugly, not really lovable…

Unless…

Unless what?

Unless you aren’t perfect; as a human being, in your achievements, how you look (if you are a beauty or not. Only beauties counts!). So the possibility you will be good enough doesn’t even exist. And thus also the possibility of being loved almost doesn’t exist! False hope to get what you miss, if only... Getting needs met that should have become met then, and can't be met afterwards. Continuing to give us problems later, especially in circumstances that are important for us, in relations that are (most) important for us.

A mother and father incapable of loving unconditionally. The child feeling that it isn’t good as it is. A feeling that follows the individual up in grown up age.

A colleague joked with me on a party yesterday evening. He and three more colleagues had entertained with playing on service flats for elderly people. One of those colleagues is retired since five or more years. They had been joking about what demands to have on service flats for their old ages; if the service flats had ranges of culture, for instance a good piano or Grand piano.

“Come and entertain us with your students!!”

my retired colleague ended a lengthy exposition about service flats and their particular entertainment on one here in town.

“Yes, you have to!”

a male colleague sitting next to me said to me.

“But we will land at that service flat at the same time!”

I replied, not really understanding what he meant.

“As we are (exactly) in the same age!!!”

I added, because he looked a little bewildered. As a question mark almost.

“Yes, I am born…”

I said the year (the same as this man, I think, or the year after).

“I thought you were younger [than him? Than I look? With a sigh. I don't have high opinions about how I look...]…”

He replied. He must have thought not so few years!!??

There’s really a lot working here… Not only because of this event, but because of a lot else…

Things I try to put words on…

But it was/is only the child that needs that unconditional love. I think Miller is right there. Grown up doesn’t need it, or shouldn’t need it, if the development had been sound (or what the appropriate word would be?).

But many of us didn’t get that upbringing, so many of us have problems with a lot of things not least when we get in love… Thinking loudly again.

Mirroring a child…

a nice picture on the ship Götheborg in Luleå (taken by my cousin B.).

In the car on my way to the hairdresser in my hometown, a trip on almost two hours in each direction, I got a lot of thoughts. About how I have been mirrored. As a truly lovable? With a value only by existing, no matter talents, outer appearance or anything?

I also came to think of relying on authorities; like doctors. When I was in my beginning teens the dentists discovered I had much too many tooth germs. And they thought they had to take them away or move them in the jaw. So I had to undergo many operations. The first was carried out when I was about to turn 13 I think and the last when I was 18.

I have wondered later: were they necessary? And what did it mean taking these teeth (as germs still) away? Sidetrack: when I search on this on the net it looks as it is more usual with lacking tooth germs (called aplasi or hypodonti in Swedish)! My one year younger brother also suffered from this, but not as "severely." We got a lot of attention from the dentists too for this, and for being so cute kids and such a cute, nice family (a sigh)!!

Thought there in the car (quite upset, angry, sad): what about rebelling against the origins of these "traits"; ones inability to truly mirror ones child (and giving it genuine self confidence) and rebel against exaggerated respect for authorities?

Further: One of my sisters said to mom this morning that she thinks the psyche affects the health (and body). Mom didn’t agree with this, she thinks it goes in the opposite direction that bodily illness can make one depressed (believes in pills and measures carried out from the outside so to say. She has worked as nurse). She thought that being sick influences ones mood. This means that if you cure your bodily (somatic) illness your mood changes accordingly. You feel better in your soul too when or if your bodily illness gets cured.

I don’t agree really… See Kirkengen’s findings for instance, and the ACE-study here… These findings supports the notion that adverse childhood experiences causes later ill health.

In the car I also thought (once again. I drove AND tried to throw some words down in my calendar at the same time) that just changing the behavior and thoughts isn’t enough to radically change things! Awareness or understanding isn’t enough either. But it is at least a step in the right direction, and maybe also more than many people ever do during their lifetime?

I also thought about symbolically reacting. It can probably give temporary relief, but the relief doesn’t last, sooner or later one has to act things out again, one has to react symbolically.

Thought about the father coming home from work, pouring his frustrations out in horrible outbursts on the family (not least the children). He never got less angry really (unless up in high age, but still he reacted at his grandkids in a way that made me drop my cheek as we say here; got so surprised, because suddenly I saw this? Something I had probably experienced myself as a kid, but forgotten?).

At last: Jenson writes that if you rewrite you history/story the failure is inevitable (translated from the Swedish edition).

My interpretation: if you interpret your reactions, problems etc. (even very cleverly) as results of this and that, you can be rewriting your story. People in successful therapy have discovered things they had no idea about, and discovered that it wasn’t really as they thought. But as bad as they thought.