Corporal punishment of children and other forms of abuse are prohibited by law...

picture from Stockholm.

The Swedish ban on corporal punishment celebrated its thirty year existence yesterday.

The Swedish Children's ombudsman writes on his blog about the ban and its anniversary:

A politician said in the debate preceding the ban:

”In a democracy as ours we use words as arguments, not blows. We talk to people and don't beat them. If we can't convince our children with words we can never convince them with violence.”

Thirty years ago, just before the ban, almost 50 percent of the children in Sweden were beaten by their parents. Today one of ten children are beaten. This is a revolutionary change. More and more countries follow in Sweden's footsteps and introduce prohibition against corporal punishment.

At the same time we can't be satisfied until ALL parents have insight, understanding and knowledge to avoid violating and abusing children. Still many thousands of children experience violence in the family, directly or indirectly.

Therefore the best way to celebrate these thirty years, with the law against corporal punishment, is to remind ourselves and others about why the law is there and that it is of an enormous interest today too, ie., it's very important today too. And will always be important.

Parents in exposed situations have to get support and methods to manage their parental responsibility. Children have to get knowledge about their rights. And we have to remind that the law is prohibiting physical violence, but ALSO that other forms of abusive treatment, as imposing shame on the child or isolating the child on its room, methods that sometimes are maintained in 'Nanny-program'' also are prohibited.

See the facebook-cause "To celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Swedish ban on corporal punishment."

About perfectionism once again, Downs Syndrome - and Nanny programs…

Martina Schaub and Tom Alandh.

[Updated November 23 and 24 with a link to the article "Put a stop to the Super-Nanny" (in Swedish) below, and referrals to some articles from The Pedagogical Magazine here on a new grade system in Sweden and demands on more order in schools from our current minister of education].

A Swedish moviemaker Tom Alandh has made a series of documentaries about Martina Schaub with Downs Syndrome. Tomorrow the last part “Martina and I” is going to be sent in the Swedish Television.

Alandh met Martina 25 years ago when Martina was 5 years old and has followed her through the years. Now she turns 40 and the last part has been made, but Martina continues to be a friend of Alandhs. Martina works halftime as cleaner.

When Martina was born (1968) her mother was told by the doctors:

“Leave her and forget her! An idiot!”

But her mother refused and instead she dedicated her life to struggling for Martina's right to education and development.

Alandh about his series:

“I would want to say like this: of course it is about Martina with Downs Syndrome. But mostly it is about being a human being. One has to allow flaws and handicaps. A good life can look differently.”

But, no, these things are probably not easy…

Yes, this with perfectionism… Even the ones with a lot of talents don’t necessarily feel especially worthy…

Martina has stricken the surrounding with amazement, she can read and write so well that she has published collection(s?) of poems; she has a gymnasium (senior high school) education.

PS. I also read an article this morning in the newspaper "Put a stop to the Super-Nanny" where the Swedish journalist Ulf Lundén writes that:

”Now old ideas about child-raising have come back on a wide front. The Nanny acute [or Nanny ‘emergency center’] or the Super-Nanny has got politicians in the Alliance to swallow the bite about old authoritarian methods./…/

The government has deposited approximately 70 million Swedish Crowns to extend courses for parents practicing punishments as a raising method.

Which in practice is about creating as much bad conscience as possible in the child [!!!!]. The parents shall freeze the child out, refuse answering when spoken to, pretend the child is not in the room [but this is the Wall of Silence!] or to put the child in the corner. *"

Horrible!!! this is actually nothing else than CHILD ABUSE!! If this is true (IS IT????) then OUR CURRENT GOVERNMENT IS ORDERING NOTHING ELSE THAN CHILD ABUSE!!!

How do they spend the money actually?? They should spend it on what child abuse causes instead! And what child abuse actually is! But they don't know what child abuse is!!?? Because they haven't acknowledged it themselves in their own personal lives?? Which is sad (alternatively tragic) for them, and I don't say I have come to terms with things to a large degree. But what do they cause in this power position? How much more damage than other people having much less power cause!

Addition: During the shower I thought further... About intellect and the brain. About control, controlling emotions, reacting spontaneously... I have been auscultator to a colleague in music-classes with children with Downs Syndrome some years ago (maybe ten years ago now).

One thing that has engraved itself in my memory, made an indelible impression on me, is the spontaneous reactions and - maybe not least achievements in those kids! And I couldn't help comparing it to people with a lot more IQ! How we with more IQ can be censoring ourselves and so controlling so we actually don't manage things, as for instance rhythmic things. And most of us don't dance as freely as those kids.

How many of us aren't too controlled? And what can this control cause (depression and/or explosions)? Yes, that about keeping things in check and control...

Addition November 23: see the former posting "The health and the school, Downs Syndrome and politics and young people and genuine respect..."

On the home site for the Swedish TV I read (in my amateur-translation):

“Raising children with rewards and punishments got a broad upswing with the TV-program Super Nanny. The program has inspired politicians and moulders of public opinion in many countries for projects of different kinds to learn parents posing boundaries (setting limits) for their children [see Miller on limit setting]. /…/

The child psychologist and author Penelope Leach says that adults over the whole Western World changed their view on children and upbringing. Many has stopped caring about why children behave as they do. Instead obeying ideals have come into fashion again [and that's really true: WHY are children behaving as they do? That's not interesting!!?? But maybe it ought to be. Yes, I think it ought to be interesting!].

‘Courses for parents and counseling columns are giving advises on how you make the children ‘behaving better then they do.’ In the main it’s about that the children shall not stand in the way for the adult-life, Penelope Leach says.

The journalist Erik Sandberg, dad to three small boys, explores why so many suddenly have become so anxious to making the children obey.”

You can find the last two last newspaper-articles here too.

Addition November 24:

About the demands on order (from our current minister of education)… And even more on neoauthoritarianism and neoconservatism:

In the pedagogical paper “The Pedagogical Magazine” number 4/2008 there was an article about “A New Grade School” where a school researcher wrote about “Order in the grade-question.”

He writes that the new inquiry (investigation) “A New Grade-School” has been the one that has been best received among all inquiries on the question of grades (and evaluations of school activities) in modern time. But this is remarkable he thinks, because it’s the poorest founded of all investigations of grades ever made!!

The suggestion from this investigation (made only during one year, compared to earlier, which took between two and four years) has been very well received by the general public and people in school!!!

However, in this investigation there are no evidences that the new scale of grades (six grades) promotes learning, there is no connection to a view on knowledge in the curriculum, and an analysis on society, including a relevant analysis of consequences of a new grade system, is lacking.

The suggestion from the investigation is unhistorical he writes and it has no future-horizon (view on the future).

He continues with describing the history behind the grade system we have today, how the discussions have been during the last four decades and the decisions that have been made according to those discussions.

Yes, some people have looked for more order in the ones in power who are making decisions for us all today (in our current government, but people are also critical to the former government) as a quite ironic reply to the demands on more order in school from our current minister of education.

There was another article in this magazine too with the heading “Modern solutions are needed,” where you can read about that the liberal school policy (politics) has developed to an absurd antagonism between a “fuzzy-muzzy”-school and a swot-school. But Sweden needs a modern education-politics grounded on research and well-tried experiences, not based on personal memories from the own time in school.

However, another article writes about “What do the researchers have to do in classrooms?” There you can read that the evidence based research is at risk of simplifying the practice it wants to study. The reality is reshaped and adjusted to prevailing ideas. A critical perspective is looked for.

Thus the decisions that are made are based on lack of knowledge!!! Actually quite fuzzy-muzzy, something the school here in Sweden has been accused for by not least our current minister of education, and has been applauded by many others too, needing to avenging their own early experiences I can't help wondering quite ironically and angrily) and on top not based on understanding OR capacities to compassion, empathy or real, genuine interest in young people (my addition)!

* Struck me when I was making lunch: how would adults react being frozen out, met with refusals to answer when spoken to, that the environment pretends he or she isn’t in the room, to being put in the corner? How do we see such a treatment on grown ups?

But treating a child in this way is nothing to react at?

Sidetrack about the wall of silence again: Hmmmm, and that again being surrounded by silence on lists and forums… Being silenced (met with a wall of silence) by moderators for instance. What has that caused in people exposed to this? What can it have been causing?

Maybe 'only' "doubts on themselves", becoming "blocked in expressing things and writing freely"? Have these persons "gotten any opportunity to speaking up for themselves", to the moderator, on the list (forum), to "free themselves from the destructive impact of this treatment and to reclaim their voices and their truths"?

Yes, that with revictimization again…

Child abuse...

How can one leave this child on its own?? This is child abuse! And nothing to laugh at! Why do people laugh at this? Leaving a child crying and screaming like this is cruel, seen from the child's point of view.

Why is discipline even, or ever, needed, positive or negative, in the first place?? Why does a child react in this way?

See this reader's mail on Alice Miller's website, I just have to quote:

“Dear Alice Miller. Yesterday I watched a Swedish documentary about immigrant children who are a huge problem at school because of their aggressive behaviour and I thought about what you've claimed so many times. The title of the documentary was called ‘The scapegoats’. They were rebels at their school, and teachers were truly afraid of them. Some of the boys even set the school on fire at some point and they were making the place a living hell for the teachers and pupils. This was loudly debated in Sweden some time ago, ‘what to do’...and of course people and politicians would make these worst 20 boys or so the scapegoats. It became so very obvious to me what you've been saying all the time, and the documentary was also angling the problem from a ‘good place’, taking the boys side. They wanted to explore the reasons for the rebellions and destructive behaviour and they found it all right! The boys were all abused at home by their parents, and hit for every mistake or ‘wrong-doing’. The vicious circle was this: They were abused at home and then they took the rage out on teachers and other pupils because in Sweden it is forbidden to use any kind of violence towards a child, and then they knew it was ‘safe’ to act out their rage just as it presented itself to them. The school often ‘had to’ contact their parents and then they would be hit again of course and be more enraged. And this completed the vicious circle. A psychologist/scientist explained very well what he believed himself was the problem. He said that we're not taking it seriously, we're surrendering to that these immigrants have their own culture and that somehow their children are not like the ethnical Swedish ones and we hesitate to interfere because there would be so MANY complaints/so many files...etc.. This was exactly what he himself had been thinking at some point when he was confronted with the social workers' problems of coping. But he said that EVERY child has the right to be protected from their abusive parents not matter ‘culture’. This was also the answer a Muslim family therapist gave. He said that the parents had to learn something new and to understand what they are really doing to their children when they use violence. We always tend to find quick solutions, the laziest ones, so we can protect ourselves from taking responsibility. The children (aged 15-18) were interviewed and asked what they had experienced and their thoughts about it. Almost everybody was totally sure that they would smack their own children because they were convinced that violence is the answer to cope. Only one of the boys was emotional when he spoke of the violence he'd experienced, tears came to his eyes as he spoke and this boy was one of the very few who when asked the question if he would hit his own children said. ‘NEVER’. These boys were used as scapegoats at their homes and then again by the school and society. It was heart-breaking to me, also because I understood my own blindness, my OWN lack of empathy with myself only if it was only in a glimpse. How I've unconsciently done the same thing to myself, never let myself speak up against the violence I experienced. I saw myself in these boys who'd accepted the fact that they had to carry their parents' burden. I could not only see it but feel it, and that is something new to me. Anyway I wanted to share this experience, and also thank you for your great books and your hard work to reveal the truth. I'm too totally convinced that it is possible to change the world if every country would follow Sweden in their striving to never become complacent about children's rights even if some politicians from time to time want to create scapegoats and segregation. It also became clear to me emotionally that fear and suppressed rage is the reason for creating scapegoats. ALWAYS. And how easy it is to fall into delusions over and over again if I do not dare to question my own attitudes. And then I'm left with the question when did that fear enter my own family? It is clear that at some point somebody chose to lie in stead of being compassionate. Then it all comes down to a choice.”

I blogged about the TV-programme mentioned above in the end of November last year, see "The Scapegoats..."

What corporal punishment can cause…

[Edited with more text and links October 5]:

"The fight or flight reaction * occurs in humans during times of stress or danger. The sympathetic nervous system causes a boost of adrenaline and is extremely powerful, but it doesn't always work to our advantage.

Prolonged exposal to adrenaline can damage your body and the repeated exposal to threatening situations can be a source for emotional and developmental problems later in life.

Many victims of torture and abuse, such as prisoners of war, experience post traumatic stress disorder and suffer feelings of alienation, rage and guilt, some succumbing to suicidal thoughts.

People may encounter the fight or flight reaction not just in situations of perceived physical danger, but shouting and verbal threats also carry a freight of terror straight into our base brain.

Remarkably with all we know children are treated to high doses of adrenaline each time they are shouted at or threatened with corporal punishment. And this is no different than what military personnel suffered when they were essentially told they would be tortured if they did not cooperate.

The threat of imminent violence carries this reaction which in repeated situations or prolonged durations leads to physical and mental disorders which can permanently affect a child's future."

The heading of this video was "What Corporal Punishment Does to the Endocrine System."

* See what Bosch writes about False Power Anger (fight??) and helplessness/powerlessness (flight??). Also see a posting under the label help and powerless victim, with quotations from Alice Miller's book "The Truth Will Set You Free."

Also see Andrew Vachss about emotional abuse of children:

"...of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest-lasting of all.”

"Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection."

---

Det som sägs i videon blir något i stil med det som följer:

”Fly- eller fäktareaktionerna inträffar hos människor under tider av stress och fara. Det sympatiska nervsystemet sänder ut en puff av adrenalin och är oerhört kraftfull, men detta verkar inte alltid till vår fördel.

Utdragen exponering för adrenalin kan skada din kropp och upprepad exponering i hotande situationer kan vara en källa till känslo- och utvecklingsmässiga problem senare i livet.

Många offer för tortyr och övergrepp/misshandel, sådan som att vara fånge under krig, upplever post traumatiskt stressyndrom och lider av känslor av alienation (avskurenhet), raseri och skuld, en del dukar under för självmordstankar.

Människor kan möta fly- eller fäktareaktionerna inte bara i situationer av uppfattade fysiska hot, utan skrik och verbala hot leder också till skräckbelastning som riktas rakt in i vår hjärnas bas [och påverkar hjärnan, dvs. ger fysiska/fysiologiska reaktioner].

Anmärkningsvärt med allt det vi vet så utsätts barn för höga doser adrenalin varje gång de skriks åt eller hotas med kroppsliga straff. Och det är inte annorlunda än vad militärer led när de blev upplysta om att de oundgängligen skulle bli torterade om de inte samarbetade.

Hotet om överhängande våld för med sig denna reaktion, vilken i upprepade situationer eller utdragna förlopp leder till fysiska och känslomässiga sjukdomar som permanent kan påverka ett barns framtid.”

Och en hjärna som fortfarande är under utveckling måste vara ännu mer sårbar! Men det går att återhämta sig, kanske helt, om man får en möjlighet att sätta ord på vad man upplevt och det finns någon som kan lyssna på det man berättar, utan att förminska eller ifrågasätta.

Förmodligen har den svårare att bearbeta senare trauman som utsatts för misshandel (inte bara fysisk, uytan också känslomässig och sexuell och kanske allt detta) som barn. Vilket kan vara (och troligen är) förklaringen till varför vissa svarar på traumabehandling och andra kanske knappt alls. Man behöver också bearbeta tidig misshandel för att få ett lyckat resultat.

Poängen är att övergrepp skadar. Och skadar på sätt vi vanligtvis inte tror. De skadar inte bara psykiskt, känslomässigt och leder inte "bara" till psykska problem eller till och med sjukdomar, utan också till fysiska. Om inte tidigare, så när vi blir äldre (se bland annat ACE-studiens fynd). Om vi inte får en chans att berätta om vad vi varit med om och blir lyssnade till empatiskt.

Se också senare inlägg i dag.

Boycott Dr Phil…

A future pianist? Can anyone resist this smile? You just HAVE to smile back, don't you? From mini-concert today.

[Updated in the evening and May 20]. I would want to blog about the article ”Bojkotta Dr Phil” or “Boycott Dr Phil” later. I haven't finished my working-day yet though... See earlier postings with the label Dr Phil "Emotional Abuse as harmful as corporal punishment?" and "The pursuit of harmony.."


One of my pupils playing Für Elise.

Addition in the evening: The author of the article (in a local newspaper here) writes that she laid zapping between different TV-channels when she suddenly saw Philip McGraw.

She writes that she detests him and that she has had enough of self help books. Some years ago she wrote a review on one of his thick books and was met with opposition from both wise and stupid people in her circle of acquaintances.

“What are you complaining about?”

one said.

“Dr Phil not only gives people good advices, he also helps people for whom it has gone wrong in life practically.”

Yes, I know, she writes. But I also know that this man has made a multi billion fortune on spreading his ideas with a pretended godlike infallibility on how we in the west world (each one of us) shall become well adapted and happy [being obedient and keeping quiet?]. Dr Phil is the biggest, and the west world is abounded with self-help books and articles in newspapers in his spirit, because this is something lucrative.

Yes, certainly!

In the developing countries where people are struggling against starvation and deadly diseases advices like the ones in these books are of course meaningless.

The needs for self help seems to be enormous in our part of the world, so when I am critical to them I feel both split and confused when I try to understand why I am so angry she writes.

Yes, I think one can become…

She thinks what the self-help books are concentrating on are given truths: that one can feel sorry for human beings and that our need for comfort is limitless. In these books we shall become pupils to the authors and learn to become safer, wiser, more aware about our selves, more effective, healthy, beautiful etc. etc. Through hard inner will and thought power we shall chastise ourselves, see our flaws and improve. And in this way reach our true inner selves and find happiness.

When we admit to our limits, our guilt, then… See earlier posting on “Psychotherapy as indoctrination...”

Of course this sounds great, she writes. Ideas that permeate the west-word’s philosophy of life and more or less steer our thoughts. Thoughts the super-guru Phil is allowed to cement in our consciousnesses many times a day through million TVs as if these were in-debatable truths to follow.

She thinks it’s a pity that those books contributes to creating and adding fuel to a private-egoism, a focusing on the own self which stands in contrast to human kindness – and socialism (as she writes! Even though I am left-oriented politically, to be honest, I don't think these things HAVE to have with socialism to do I have to add :-) Even though I grew up in a middle-class family where all are well-educated and academics, and we had it fairly well materially).

Addition May 20: The power on many levels, maybe all, is (strongly) interested in dividing and ruling? Not interested in that people genuinely care about each other and truly cooperate? Caring both about themselves in a sound way and about others in a sound way too. What is a sound egoism and what is an unsound? Because of course we probably need to protect ourselves too many times! But protect ourselves effectively and constructively and not self-destructively or destructively, i.e. not harming ourselves or others - or the nature etc. But are the advices and tools we get effective for this? Miller is right: we are in denial about the true roots and causes, and the methods we use in dealing with problems are accordingly ineffective?

Yes, the results are those?

She thinks what’s wrong with those books is that they act as an intermediary in the belief that a human being can develop herself by own power (and will). But she thinks this isn’t possible, because human beings can only grow in interplay with others.

In one of these books (or actually many of them) it stands “love yourself” but life’s great gift isn’t that to love each other (and truly love), and when this happens isn't that a miracle (my addition)? She wonders if those fighting for their careers, their money, their looks and appearances, firmly, hardly encased in the importance of their own selves are the happiest.

She thinks that in those self-help books people seem to be divided in closed ME’s while "the others" serves as usable and preferably admiring objects. About the joy in deep friendship one can’t read, and nothing about goodness human beings between. The self-help human being shall counteract her negative feelings such as guilt and shame. But think of a world without these feelings, how would that world actually be?

She is however hoping that the small children still smiling at us with their teeth like grains of rice (risgrynständer) will understand in twenty years that egoism is a lonely and unhappy state, a state that has to be done something about.

She writes that between Dr Phil, the guru, and a mom a 16-year old pregnant girl was sitting on the TV crying while Dr Phil strictly told the mother that she should have given her daughter sex instructions in time!!!

After this she couldn’t see more and turned the TV off.

When I had read this article this morning and was on my way to work I threw some words down that was triggered (written with deep irony): What weakling are you? Who can’t manage your life? Not keeping things in check and control!!

Writing for a couple of hours after work. Have had three small pianists, they started playing piano a 6 year, and have played four years soon, playing in a quite big wind-orchestra this evening for the first time.

Child advocate Andrew Vachss…

[Updated May 18 and 24]. See earlier postings on Andrew Vachss here.

And read the article “You Carry the Cure in Your Heart” by Andrew Vachss.

This article mentions a form of abuse we probably belittle and minimize namely emotional abuse:

“I'm a lawyer with an unusual specialty. My clients are all children—damaged, hurting children who have been sexually assaulted, physically abused, starved, ignored, abandoned and every other lousy thing one human can do to another. People who know what I do always ask: "What is the worst case you ever handled?" When you're in a business where a baby who dies early may be the luckiest child in the family, there's no easy answer. But I have thought about it—I think about it every day. My answer is that, of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest-lasting of all.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection.

Emotional abuse can be as deliberate as a gunshot: ‘You're fat. You're stupid. You're ugly.’/../

Emotional abuse can be active. Vicious belittling: ‘You'll never be the success your brother was.’ Deliberate humiliation: ‘You're so stupid. I'm ashamed you're my son.’

It also can be passive, the emotional equivalent of child neglect—a sin of omission, true, but one no less destructive.

And it may be a combination of the two, which increases the negative effects geometrically.

Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And, with rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so important to a child that withholding it can cause a ‘failure to thrive’ condition similar to that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition.

Even the natural solace of siblings is denied to those victims of emotional abuse who have been designated as the family's 'target child.' The other children are quick to imitate their parents. Instead of learning the qualities every child will need as an adult—empathy, nurturing and protectiveness—they learn the viciousness of a pecking order. And so the cycle continues.

But whether as a deliberate target or an innocent bystander, the emotionally abused child inevitably struggles to ‘explain’ the conduct of his abusers—and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self-blame.

Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience ‘only’ emotional abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. But when it comes to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will ‘just get over it’ when they become adults.”

When I listened to these two I came to think: Can one forgive a person who doesn’t ask for forgiveness? And that’s what Miller has written.

Lip-service is läpparnas bekännelse?

Emotional needs are essential for survival.

Additional thoughts May 18, loudly thinking: I came to think that Miller writes about the child being humiliated, by for instance being accused for this and that and said to be this and that outspoken or not in often very cruel manners (maybe subtle though, or at least subtle to many of us who have become "unsensitized" to these things?), and see Jenson and Bosch on neglect… And Bosch writes about the phenomenon marasmus/inexplicable infant mortality. Also see Miller on the Wall of Silence and this sort of punishment for things the child isn’t enlightened about (the power the parent has not to explain why he/she punishes the child).

Vachss writes about what children learn in these families about the value of other human beings and of oneself. I think of what sort of role-models the parents actually are there. And what they maybe teach but don’t live after (lip-service?); all human beings equal worth and equal rights. How confusing and contradicting this must be. In some cases so confusing so the child gets mad?

See also what Bosch writes about self blame, i.e. what she calls the Primary Defence. Judith Lewis Herman writes about bystanders... See earlier posting "The problem without a name…"

And here the translation to Swedish:

Den här artikeln av Andrew Vachss nämner en form av övergrepp som vi förmodligen förminskar och bagatelliserar, nämligen emotionella eller känslomässiga övergrepp. Vachss skriver (i min kanske något fria amatöröversättning):

”Jag är advokat med en ovanlig specialitet. Mina klienter är alla barn – skadade, sårade barn som har blivit utsatta för sexuellt övervåld, fysiska övergrepp, svält, ignorerande, övergivande [kanske både fysiskt och känslomässigt, se Jenson och Bosch] och alla andra usla saker som mänskliga varelser kan göra mot varandra. Människor som vet vad jag gör frågar alltid: ’Vad är det värsta fall du någonsin har haft hand om?’ När du har ett fall där en baby som dör tidigt kan vara det barn i familjen som har mest tur finns det inga enkla svar. Men jag har tänkt på det – jag tänker på det varje dag. Mitt svar är att, känslomässig misshandel är kanske den grymmaste och längst verkande av alla formen av barnmisshandel.

Känslomässig misshandel är det systematiska förminskandet av en annan. Den kan vara avsiktlig eller undermedveten (eller båda), men den är alltid en fråga om [generellt] handhavande, inte en enstaka händelse. Den är utformad för att reducera barnets självbild till den punkt där offret anser sig ovärdig – ovärdig respekt, ovärdig vänskap/vänner, ovärdig den naturliga födslorätten som alla barn har av kärlek och skydd.

Känslomässig misshandel kan vara lika avsiktlig som ett gevärsskott: ’Du är fet. Du är dum. Du är ful.’/…/

Känslomässig misshandel kan vara aktiv. Elakt förminskande: ’Du kommer aldrig att lyckas så som din bror gjorde.’ Avsiktlig förödmjukelse: ’Du är så dum. Jag skäms over min son.’ [Jo, Miller skriver om förödmjukelse, liksom både Jenson och Bosch].

Den kan också vara passiv, den känslomässiga motsvarigheten till försummelse av barn – en underlåtenhetssynd, sant, men inte mindre destruktiv [dvs. att bara strunta i barnet, där en form kan vara att medvetet omge barnet med en mur av tystnad?].

Och den kan vara en kombination av de två [eller flera former av misshandel], vilket ökar dess negativa effekter geometriskt.

Känslomässig misshandel kan vara verbal eller beteendemässig, aktiv eller passiv, ofta förekommande eller tillfällig. Oavsett vilken, så är den ofta lika smärtsam som att bli fysiskt anfallen. Och, med sällsynta undantag, varar smärtan längre. En förälders kärlek är så viktig för ett barn så att undanhålla denna kan orsaka ’problem med att frodas och växa bra’ tillstånd liknande dem som barn får när de nekats adekvat föda [mat. Ja, Bosch skriver om fenomenet marasmus och om behov känslomässig näring - och behov av trygghet och tillit, respekt och aktning för ens person, tankar, behov, reaktioner, känslor].

Även det naturliga tröstande från syskon förnekas de offer som blivit utsedda som familjens måltavla för känslomässig misshandel. De andra barnen imiterar snabbt sina föräldrar. Istället för att lära sig de kvaliteter som barnen kommer att behöva som vuxna – empati, närande och skyddande – så lär de sig ondskans hackordning/rangordning [alla är inte lika mycket värda, trots att man försäkrar motsatsen om alla människors lika värde]. Och så fortsätter denna cykel [ja, vad slags förebilder? Och tala om motstridande budskap och förvirring?].

Men oavsett om man är den avsiktliga måltavlan eller ett oskyldigt vittne, så kämpar det känslomässigt misshandlade barnet oundvikligen med att ’förklara’ beteendet hos den misshandlande – och slutar med att kämpa för sin överlevnad i självklandrets kvicksand [trampar och trampar för att hålla nästippen ovanför vattenytan. Och att vara vittne till våld och övergrepp, vare sig fysiska, sexuella eller känslomässiga är också en kränkning påpekar Pia Mellody. Se också Bosch om the Primary defence eller det ursprungliga/första försvaret].

Känslomässiga övergrepp är både den mest genomträngande och minst förstådda formen av barnmisshandel. Dess offer blir ofta bortslagna ur tankarna helt enkelt för att deras sår inte är synliga. I en tid där färska avslöjanden av onämnbar barnmisshandel är vardagsmat, trivialiseras ofta smärtan och plågan hos dem som ’bara’ upplevt känslomässig misshandel. Vi förstår och accepterar att offer för fysiska och sexuella övergrepp behöver både tid och specialbehandling för att hela. Men när det kommer till känslomässig misshandel är det mer troligt att vi tror att offren ska ’komma över det’ är de blir vuxna [förminskande och bagatelliserande].”

Addition May 24: See the readers’ letter ”Interview with child advocate Adrew Vachss” at Miller’s web, and Miller’s view on it. The reader writes:

“In this talk, Andrew Vachss confronts Oprah with her belief that anger resulting from an abusive childhood is a bad thing that one needs to overcome, and that the way to "healing" is through forgiveness. And he thoroughly questions it.
What do you think?”

Miller answers:

“I saw the interview. These are some of my thoughts about it: We will never be able to stop child abuse as long as we say: ‘I put the past behind me, I don't feel anger, have forgiven and forgotten and get on with my life.’ This advice, given very often, never actually helps. Why? Because the endured abuse, if it is not worked out, drives the former victims to do the same with their children as long as they deny the pain and the anger, which the abuse left in their bodies. Our feelings may stay for a long time repressed, unconscious, but they wake up when we become parents. Advice like the one given by Oprah wants to help people who suffer by saying: ‘Enjoy your life, you should no longer suffer because of things that happened so long ago’. We must know that this advice works at the expense of the next generation, supporting our blindness. Feeling and understanding the causes of our old pain does not mean that the pain and the anger will stay with us forever. Quite the opposite is true. The felt anger and pain disappear with time and enable us to love our children. It is the UNFELT, avoided and denied pain, stored up in our bodies, that drive us to repeat what have been done to us and to say: ‘Spanking didn't harm me, it was good for me and will thus also not harm my children.’ People who talk like this go on writing books on how we should spank babies early enough so that they learn to behave and NEVER EVER realize what had been done to them so early in their lives."

Corporal punishment and more about the Wall of Silence…

Primula Veris or gullviva.

Miller writes about a new law passed by the German parliament in July 2000 prohibiting (förbjudande) corporal punishment, as another decisive (avgörande) step toward the humanization of our personal relations and the removal of barriers in the mind at page 131-132 in her book “The Truth Will Set You Free…”:

“Significantly, it [the law prohibiting corporal punishment] owes its existence to politicians and lawyers, most of them women. Psychotherapists and psychologists (male and female) have been notably less committed in this respect, although they are confronted every day with the consequences of childhood traumas. Twenty years ago Sweden’s therapists actually campaigned against such an initiative, contending that a ban would so antagonize parents that they would take it out on their children in other ways. As I demonstrated in The Drama of the Gifted Child, the career of a psychologist begins in childhood with the desperate attempt to understand the parents without judging them. We should not remain bogged down in the fears of our childhood. As adults we must summon up the courage to judge, to call evil by its name and not tolerate it.

The much-needed change in our mentality will take place in stages. Children today who are never beaten will think and feel differently in twenty years from the way we think and feel today. This is my firm conviction. They will have eyes and ears for the suffering of their own children, and this will do more to effect change than statistical surveys ever could. My optimism is based on the principle of prevention, of forestalling violence in childhood by means of legislation and parent education.

I am often asked what we can do to help those people already seriously harmed by the processes I have been describing. Do they all have to undergo lengthy courses of therapy? The quality of therapy has nothing to do with the time it takes. I know people who have spent decades going to psychoanalysts and are still ignorant of what went on in their childhood because the analysts themselves are reluctant to venture onto that terrain in search of their own childhood realities.”

A friend mentioned another expression of surrounding a person with the Wall of Silence, namely something called “shunning”:

“Shunning is the act of deliberately avoiding association with, and habitually keeping away from an individual or group. It is a sanction against association often associated with religious groups and other tightly-knit organisations and communities. Targets of shunning can include, but are not limited to apostates, whistleblowers, dissidents, people classified as ‘sinners’ or ‘traitors’ and other people who defy or who fail to comply with the standards established by the shunning group(s). Shunning has a long history as a means of organisational influence and control.”

Translated to Swedish it would be (my amateur translation):

“Undvikande/hålla sig undan är den handling för att avsiktligt undvika sammankoppling med och att vanemässigt hålla sig undan en individ eller grupp. Det är en sanktion för att undvika sammanlänkning/sammankoppling ofta associerad med religiösa grupper och andra tätt sammanslutna organisationer och gemenskaper. Föremålen för undvikande kan inkludera, men är inte begränsade till avfällingar, visselblåsare, dissidenter, människor klassificerade som ’syndare’ och ’förrädare’ och andra människor som trotsar/utmanar eller som misslyckas med att åtlyda etablerade normer hos den grupp (de grupper) som undviker. Undvikande har en lång historia som ett sätt att organiserat påverka och kontrollera.”

This is what occur in many families to make a child comply, become obedient?

Jenson writes about how this may feel in the child, being isolated, lonely, having nobody in the world.

At pages 61-62 in the Swedish edition of her book, she writes that the child feels (and shall feel) that her/his family doesn’t want to have with it to do, thus the child feels that no one else will have with it to do, isolated, lonely and that it will remain so the rest of its life, unless... A state that will last for ever.

If her/family doesn’t like her/him, no one will like her/him ever.

If her/his family doesn’t want to know of the child, no one will want to know of it ever, not outside the family either. The child will not be wished by anyone ever.

If its family is critical towards it, it isn’t just so that ‘all’ dislike you but they will always do.

So this way of punishing (manipulating) a child is extremely effective.

If one has these experiences with oneself up into adulthood one will probably be vulnerable to similar treatment later. Vulnerable in relation to how one was treated early, and to what degree one got the opportunity and help processing it.

And to survive mistreatment the first way of protecting oneself as a (small) child is to blame oneself, use a defence Bosch calls the Primary Defence, which lies under all other defences she says.

I think I will blog more about "The Truth Will Set You Free -Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self" later.

See earlier posting on "Seeing, speaking or hearing no evil..."

Also see the article “You Carry the Cure in Your Heart” by Andrew Vachss, where it stands in the beginning of this article:

“Emotional abuse of children can lead, in adulthood, to addiction, rage, a severely damaged sense of self and an inability to truly bond with others. But—if it happened to you—there is a way out.”