The effects of child rearing…

Madicken?

How do we see them in the ones governing the world (politicians and other power people)? In true, genuine respect, compassion and empathy? Are those, the respectful, compassionate and empathic, the ones governing the world? What sort of persons are people voting for (and supporting) and why?

I am reading a book about child rearing by a Swedish pediatrician.

Loud thinking…

[Updated Septemer 2]. “It’s all about to start treating kids well!” Yes, we shall not spank or beat kids, not scream at them or at anybody else when kids are witnessing. We can (and should) change our behavior.

But more people ought to be interested in understanding themselves, so we can avoid as much as possible of unconscious manipulation. We should maybe be interested in this for our own sake too.

We should call things in our childhood in question and get support in seeing these things as wrong.

Does such help exist from professionals though?

I am not sure we have to (or should) settle account with our parents or early caregivers… We shouldn’t do this in a violent way. The best would we if we could bring this up with them as adult to adult. In many cases this is not possible though.

I think those who should need to change the most are the less inclined or willing to do this. While others blame themselves harshly for not being “perfect.” But the latter probably have fewer reasons to question themselves. I think.

Addition September 2: It's not about just understanding with your head. If it was everything would be solved already. You have to understand your kid on an emotional level to a certain degree too to avod harming her/him, I think...

Only students that are thriving and feeling well are learning anything of value...

Quickly: Two books in one of my book clubs looked interesting, both written by the Swedish child and school physician Lars H. Gustafsson.

About the first “Student health starts in the classroom” you can read (in my amateur translation from Swedish):

“Only students that are thriving and feeling well are learning anything of value.”

Gustafsson writes about the school’s ability to meet students in a warm, emphatic and at the same time well-informed way.

One chapter is about the conception “normality” – what’s actually “normal” concerning children?

Do children with needs for special support get the support they need and are entitled to he also wonders. And are those at the same time allowed to stay in the community?

He also wonders how the school can shape or mold what a good community governed by law is in practice and about the importance of close and confiding cooperation between students, parents and the school’s staff.

In the other book “Guiding children” he is discussing different forms of bringing up of children; the more authoritarian shouting for more rules and order and a more democratic building on mutual respect and where the adult acting as a guide for the child.

My addition: I don’t think the child (any child) is born evil or with destructive or self destructive drives. If it acts in that way it has reasons. The environment ought to be prepared to hear about those things and deal with them. But if there are no or few such people in the child’s environment I hope the net can confirm those kids and tell them that what was done was wrong!!!

And here is Lars H. Gustafsson’s blog! And see this article about the Nanny-pedagogy and poisonous pedagogy (in Swedish).

Painting rosy…

When I was searching in Jennifer Freyd’s book “Betrayal Trauma – The Logic of Forgetting Childhood abuse” for something I wanted to quote I read something that struck a chord.

I am an eager photographer and it looks as I almost only have beautiful views around me?

I thought of painting rosy pictures of the “happy family” (of origin). I think I have contributed to this. Maybe not so much any longer. Something that maybe can disappoint some people, wanting to believe in the picture they saw, and want to believe that the happy family exists?

Freyd writes at page 194:

“Sometimes we are so overwhelmed by the horror of our world that we are blind to its wonder; sometimes we are fortunate enough to be so overwhelmed by the wonder of the world that we are blind to its horror. When fragmented by betrayal blindness we sometimes see neither the horror nor the wonder. But whether we see them or not, both elements exist.”

Another thing that struck me is: developing abilities and skills demands training, sometimes a lot of training! Few people (children) can make things immediately. And the older you get the longer time you need for certain things. But experience can balance for the longer time it takes to learn new things and new skills. Especially if you are going to learn something you have never done before.

“Practice makes perfect”!

And you need to get time to learn and train (train and train even more)! And space learning. Sometimes even a lot of time. And maybe also patience and understanding from the environment!?

So long anybody’s life isn’t dependent on that you have certain skills immediately! And this seldom occurs for a lot of things. This is said quite ironical!

I was actually thinking on using a foreign language, talking and not least writing in it.

If you are allowed to train and train and train you’ll probably at last develop skills in your writing and communicating.

If people around you don’t have the patience with your imperfectness it’s probably their problem!

I can see an impatient parent here, not having maybe ANY patience with his/her child and that it isn’t (can’t possibly be) like an adult person when it comes to a lot of things: like using a good language immediately, with no flaws.

My dad had no patience when we should learn to cycle.

And there are parents with a lot of impatience even if they have very easily-taught children! Maybe some of those parents don’t even realize that their child(ren) are above average?

Contempt for the not so perfect or rising like a Phoenix from the Ashes…

The Swedish journalist Dan Josefsson writes in the article "’Debatt’ ska inte bygga på verbalt underhållningsvåld” or ”Debate shall not be built on verbal warnography” about:

“The knotty problem is how you make as many people as possible interested in watching a [TV-] programme not built on verbal warnography or populist contempt for knowledge and where the guests are treated with respect even if they aren’t communicating with cogent one-liners.”

This triggered other thoughts on a more personal level (as a one that works a lot and thus have limited time polishing my expressions up and am one who studied English a long time ago, but want to express things and share it with friends over the world who aren't Swedish speaking):

Yes, people have the right to express themselves with the language and the words they have - even if it isn’t perfect! Or even if they don't express themselves as well as a Nobel prize winner.

How many people haven’t become silenced when it comes to expressing themselves in both written and spoken words? Maybe in a similar manner as many have become stunted when it comes to music, something I as music teacher and my colleagues have heard many times! Quite ironically.

Something quite horrible especially when it has been shown how important narrating can be!

Maybe people need to become encouraged instead, as I and my colleagues are trying to (I hope) with our students!?

And if you don't get the opportunity to train how can you, or are you supposed to, develop skills in any area, respect?

Is it the belief that you just rise like a Phoenix from the Ashes, from nothing, in a similar way (with the underlying, maybe not conscious belief) as many of us were treated by an impatient parent? With demands on perfection and that the child should manage everything at once? Perfectly and like a grown up (or even better!). Even in cases when the child managed things (way) above average!?

PS. Josefsson also writes about "Black-and-white pictures in the media about the tsunami."