Traumas - a non issue…

I read something interesting, true and worth noting and spreading, on the blog Do nothing day. Anja writes about an interview with a victim for child abuse, and winner of a prize for freedom of speech, where she especially liked the wording

“What I was exposed to as a child has been a non-issue.”

Anja thinks that traumas really are non-issues, not just in health care but in our whole culture. Of course, sufferings are paid attention to when they occur, like for instance when a tsunami happens. But we don’t really know what we shall do with the trauma when it has become “old”. And that’s exactly what’s problematic with traumas – [if] they don’t pass off as quickly as we expect, maybe they never pass off – and chronic states have very low status both in health care and in our culture in general.

And people telling about abuse (that sort of traumas) they experienced as children is really non-issues. And those sorts of traumas are the ones that becomes chronic and later easily or most often becomes added with more traumas. And is also the reason why people have difficulties recovering from later traumas.

But with proper and adequate help a traumatized can recover I think... Unfortunately I think few really get this help. Some sorts of traumas are non-themes exactly as Anja and Sigrun says/writes! Surrounded with a Wall of Silence.

And this is the reason, or an explanation, why people like for instance Jordan Riak and Paula Flowe have problems getting economical support for their work; preventing child abuse to happen!? At the same time people are more than readily prepared paying to other causes.

Those themes are non-issues in the world!?

About Jordan Riak in Wikipedia, see here. Also see Judith Lewis Herman on this topic.

Language and talents…

More loud thinking (quite ironical): emotional language is put lower than intellectual. Emotions are put lower than intelligence. The intellectual (and not least intelligent) is put higher than the emotional! Many musicians though have the language too, to a high degree and a lot of other talents. But many of us don’t really have the words; use the music-language instead to express things. And artistic expressions is needed, and have always been through history even back to ancient times, to express things we don’t have words for really? Especially emotional things?

And once again see the phenomenon alexithymia, a phenomenon researchers think is increasing in this world. And one can wonder: why is that? Why do more and more people lack emotional language? Is it only a question of that we become more and more people in the world? Or what is it about? An inherent trait/gene? (I don't think so though! I think this is something we have been taught early in life effectively. But it is possible doing something about. Probably with a lot of struggles and efforts though, which wouldn't have been needed if we had been allowed to express our feelings/emotions from the first beginning).

I came to think that this means that "children’s and women’s language" is put lower? Because in general they use a more emotional language? But there are exceptions of course!!! In both directions.

Is this a question of being taken seriously (i.e., being met with real, genuine respect)… Something that isn’t given to everybody.

You shall have your feelings, emotions under control, or at least have these under control to a certain degree? You shall express yourself in a balanced way, and preferably with the best language possible! Otherwise you can keep quiet or you get corrected or not even listened to or read!

And you know the grammar syntax, vocabulary are important! You don’t get a second chance to explain yourself better, by being asked what you really mean!!

Isn’t there a contempt involved here? A contempt for children (or the child)? A contempt for weakness in fact?

“Don’t be so childish!!”

People get embarrassed on behalf of you!? This we (I) have to avoid!!!

And these things aren’t only expressed in spoken words, but by other means: silence (the wall of silence), you aren’t taken any notice of, disregarded etc.

You can withdraw in a lot of manners, not only emotionally but also physically. But a grown up has choices here, choices a child didn’t have! A grown up can deal with this, if she/he isn’t so (too) paralysed by her/his passed.

We have had to repress HOW painful these things were, many of us can’t even slightly recall HOW painful? We are made insensitive to different degrees to these things. Which is no excuse but only an explanation.

Once again I noticed the phenomenon “talking above ones head” I think… But it didn’t bother me so much as it did. I hope! I just noticed it with a slight smile, a bit ironical smile… Talking in riddles here? Never mind. I allow myself that.

I have been taught that men are better (in general), because they have their emotions in check and don’t get carried away with their emotions (as they are born like this)! Thus they are more reliable. At the same time I am learned/taught to being sensitive, caring, thinking on.

Or they (not least mom I guess) have at least tried to teach me!!! I don’t think she consider her trials there especially successful!! I will never become that sensitive or caring or thinking on never ever! Not in her eyes at least. I will remain that selfish, egoistic, only thinking on myself. In contrast to maybe ALL my siblings?? To be honest.

This with sensitivity is one of probably many contradictions! On one occasion being insensitive is acknowledged and praised, in another NOT. Depending on who is insensitive/sensitive?? Depending on the glasses you see through? (how they are colored).

And that about getting carried away with uncontrolled emotions: on other occasions this isn’t/wasn’t even noticed!! Namely when the father (and later brothers) came home from work and poured all his (their) frustrations out on the family, and not least the kids (relatives; siblings, and not least sisters). But it was worse for the wife; because she was more sensitive than the kids, who were less sensitive?? And the kids was spared compared to the wife!!! (observe the irony!!!)

To be continued… I am going to take a shower now. Have a lot more on my mind (wrote a lot down in my note-book this morning before I sat down at the computer).

With a (very?) low status…

In a review on a dissertation “Att leva som utbränd” or “Living as burnout” by Mia-Marie Hammarlin it stands (my maybe a little free translation):

“Being burnout is feminized with the help of media, where the word ‘burnout’ gets a clear low status face – the middle age woman in public sector. Men retire to loneliness [solitude] and seem to be afraid of the connection with shame [and nerve weaknesses]. ‘Real chaps don’t get stricken with nerve weaknesses.’”

This review triggered a lot of thoughts and emotions, not only connected to the topic burnout. Here are some of those reactions and thoughts. It resulted in a lot of threads. And will maybe result in more postings than this one. So this posting is loudly thinking once again, and in many directions.

Even if it isn’t straight outspoken one can hear (or is this projection, a symbolic reaction/interpretation from my part?):

“What weakling you are! Why not just… One can seek oneself to other environments! To get more healthy and sound you have to seek yourself to a healthy and sound environment![what that is? If it exists and where.]”

The contempt for weakness - and for all those incapable of controlling themselves!! Something we have seen here around the debate about social insurances, things I am reacting very strongly and angrily at.

Women are since long schooled to stay (vistas) in powerless places it stood in the review. 35 years ago women overly trained in a traditional patriarchal pattern went right out into the public sector and was locked in there. Their own fault? How stupid of them! Blaming themselves too: How stupid of me! My own fault! I should have been able to handle it better! See the Primary defence.

The author of the dissertation seems to mean that being burnout is deeply embedded in sex and class problems. And wonders if depression and diffuse aches and pains can be an expression for female dissatisfaction, if these things can’t be seen as downright political actions, as a sort of demonstrations.

I don’t know, maybe they are, but if so not consciously?

And the reviewer writes that she wants to scream

“OF COURSE!”

as a reply, and she also hear a choir of female anger, furiously filling in in her scream.

Yes, reading this triggered a lot of thoughts and probably emotions around things that have happened and things I have experienced recently!!

About blaming the victim, false power denial of needs, lack of empathy and understanding/enlightenment - and once again - contempt for weakness.

And all these phenomena are there for to protect the ones reacting (reacting with contempt and rejection, wanting to educate and maybe also punish the ones not having any “stake” as we say) against the truth, a too painful truth, a SO painful truth so we need to protect ourselves against it. Seeing it from the Miller-point-of-view!

But these protections (or defences) turn to problems, not only for ourselves but also for other people (self-destructiveness and destructiveness), so if not sooner we ought to work on this now as adults. Because they can result and have resulted in political decisions with grave and severe consequences and continue to result in such things.

Thinking further and loudly in an attempt to understand and grasp these phenomena (how can people be so stupid and insensitive?): And contempt for weakness is also a protection: a protection against the realization and to this connected feelings on HOW in fact powerless the child once was and how this power and helplessness was used by the ones that were/are supposed to care for us the most. Realizations we and many want to avoid at all costs. With all what that means.

In circles where people are supposed to be enlightened I have heard things in the style and with the meaning (in my feeling and interpretation):

“But take yourself in the collar!! The question is about seeking oneself to an environment which is healthier, with healthier people.”

And if one doesn’t succeed in this… Then one is only to blame oneself?
And I have heard from those (men) that it’s the mothers’ fault how things are. Yes, that’s true, the mother is the first one in a child’s life… Does this mean that dads – and men – have no responsibilities thus?

But don’t we all have responsibilities each one of us, and the same responsibilities and should also have the exact same demands on us, no more or no less, whether we are women or men? And especially as or if we are grown ups! We all have responsibilities to contribute in making things better, and each of us have a responsibility for ourselves? And exactly the same responsibility?

But then, if we actually have those means in all circumstances is another question and to what degree? The structures can contribute to less power – in some circumstances? Oh, what am I after?

The more power you have the more harm you can do? And some don’t have any other power than the one over their children!

Fields of Gold.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold
So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley?
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold

I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold