Freedom, autonomy, arrogance, cynicism, xenophobia, societal approval, and needs...

[Slightly edited in the evening and a little February 24, seeking, searching the words]. Quickly some notes thrown down.

On my walk this morning I thought on the notion “freedom”… What is this about? What should it be about?

I also thought on the notion autonomy, and further on arrogance and cynicism.

Miller has written about autonomy, for instance in “The Drama of the Gifted Child” (in my translation from the Swedish edition):

“A patient with ‘antennas’ for the unconscious in the therapist will immediately react on this [the therapist's needs of another, weaker person’s childish dependency on him/her]. He will quickly ‘feel’ autonomous and behave in this way if he notices [on a conscious or unconscious way] that it is important for the therapist getting autonomous patients with a secure behavior quickly. But this ‘autonomy’ ends up in depression [sooner or later], because it isn’t genuine.”

I think she is right. Many (all) patients seeking help are used to filling other persons' (parents', caregivers' and their substitutes') needs. Actually the patient isn't to blame for being stuck in depression. But many patients tend to blame themselves, blaming themselves for being failures, impossible.

Miller also writes about manipulative measures concerning depressive patients, and the vicious circle of contempt showing in too many helpers too...

She also writes,about autonomy (in the same book):

“The difficulties to experience and develop own genuine feelings results in a permanent bond that makes a demarcation [liberation] impossible./…/ …the child hasn’t gotten the opportunity to develop an own security.”

And this is often met with contempt for weakness, not empathy or understanding/enlightenment about the roots to this state. Too often also from so called helpers, such as therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists. And thus the person in question is stuck in shame and becomes even more tied up, even more unfree.

Contempt for weakness and instilling shame.

I also thought about needs, bottomless needs, originating in the child’s unfulfilled early needs. And those needs can never become filled afterwards, but you can acknowledge and recognize them and maybe grieve them and then be capable of filling you adult needs… Instead of the childhood needs. Trying to fill our childhood needs always causes problems, bigger or smaller.

It’s important that you don’t belittle or minimize what happened though, or rather this is even crucial for recovery to occur.

What we see (and have seen through history) are needs (for power and wealth) need that are never fulfilled, expressed in different ways, more or less violent. Persons never getting satisfied. And this is nothing we are born with is my true conviction, but has a reason.

Miller also writes about directing our anger (and other feelings) at scapegoats (symbols, symbolically dealing with early things), something that will never liberate us. Only of we direct those feelings at the true and original causes we will become liberated. Which doesn't say that any of this is easy, unfortunately. So if we could prevent this...

Yes, it’s this with xenophobia too… See for instance the American neurologist Jonathan H. Pincus and fascism (“Hitler and Hatred”), and about societal approval… See earlier posting on Pincus on terrorism. And also see earlier postings under the label bigotry.

A raising method...

from the movie "Torment."

I happened to come across this text on shame and it triggered the following thoughts and reflections, loudly expressed...

A raising method is infusing guilt and shame feelings in a child to make it obedient, i.e. do as you want, or make it not behave as it does...

Just with a glance or if it is needed with tougher means, as surrounding the child with silence or even leave it and go out. Something Alice Miller was exposed to by her mom and has written about. Something that was extremely painful to recall as grown up Miller writes, and thus you need an enlightened witness to confront those memories or even to get in touch with them in the first place. Miller had forgotten how she was treated I think, but reclaimed it during therapy high up in age.

You can manipulate children and latter adults (who has unprocessed experiences of these things from childhood) by infusing shame and guilt in them. With subtle and less subtle means, openly or hidden/secretly. And this is emotional abuse. A child can't escape this, something an adult can - unless she/he isn't paralyzed by fear and shame etc. The less harmed a human being became early in life the less vulnerable to manipulation and brainwashing. So by abusing your child (physically, sexually - and emotionally/verbally) you play latter perpetrators in hand! You can really destroy your child's future by abusing it.

The writer to the linked chapter from the online book “Psychological Self-Help” (I am not sure I recommend this book as a way of healing though) writes about accepting who you really are. But the problem is to know who you actually are. And I think it isn’t enough accepting who you are. You have to understand to a certain extent why and how you became this way, not only with your head but also with your emotions. Question it and rebel against it.

If you succeed with this to a certain extent (unfortunately not easy) you won’t be at risk of forwarding it to other people whom are in your power or under you, or at people standing near you.

And the fact that this work is so difficult should be an incitement to try avoiding causing this sort of harm to small children in the first place.

And it is important to put the blame where it ought to be... Back to the first source... If you don't you will still be trapped in destructive and self destructive behavior. Who did the soul murdering in the first place?

Former postings under the label "soul murdering": "The political Consequences of Child Abuse" and "Soul murdering" (about raising children with the Schreber-concept and the different results of this upbringing).

Unconditional love…

Things that have struck me the last days of some reason: instilling shame is used as a method raising children. A very effective method. Shame that you feel and react as you do – and that you have needs (that you are needy and childish for instance).

But those needs were much justified, maybe later on perverted, and thus it became more and more difficult to understand their origins. And the needs became more and more "complex."

This method covers what actually happened, covered not only for the ones involved but also for the environment. Making all more or less incapable of seeing what happened/what is happening even.

Later used for the same purpose grown ups between, more or less consciously or deliberately.

Mirrored how? As someone disgusting, ugly, not really lovable…

Unless…

Unless what?

Unless you aren’t perfect; as a human being, in your achievements, how you look (if you are a beauty or not. Only beauties counts!). So the possibility you will be good enough doesn’t even exist. And thus also the possibility of being loved almost doesn’t exist! False hope to get what you miss, if only... Getting needs met that should have become met then, and can't be met afterwards. Continuing to give us problems later, especially in circumstances that are important for us, in relations that are (most) important for us.

A mother and father incapable of loving unconditionally. The child feeling that it isn’t good as it is. A feeling that follows the individual up in grown up age.

A colleague joked with me on a party yesterday evening. He and three more colleagues had entertained with playing on service flats for elderly people. One of those colleagues is retired since five or more years. They had been joking about what demands to have on service flats for their old ages; if the service flats had ranges of culture, for instance a good piano or Grand piano.

“Come and entertain us with your students!!”

my retired colleague ended a lengthy exposition about service flats and their particular entertainment on one here in town.

“Yes, you have to!”

a male colleague sitting next to me said to me.

“But we will land at that service flat at the same time!”

I replied, not really understanding what he meant.

“As we are (exactly) in the same age!!!”

I added, because he looked a little bewildered. As a question mark almost.

“Yes, I am born…”

I said the year (the same as this man, I think, or the year after).

“I thought you were younger [than him? Than I look? With a sigh. I don't have high opinions about how I look...]…”

He replied. He must have thought not so few years!!??

There’s really a lot working here… Not only because of this event, but because of a lot else…

Things I try to put words on…

But it was/is only the child that needs that unconditional love. I think Miller is right there. Grown up doesn’t need it, or shouldn’t need it, if the development had been sound (or what the appropriate word would be?).

But many of us didn’t get that upbringing, so many of us have problems with a lot of things not least when we get in love… Thinking loudly again.

Feelings an adult wouldn’t feel if a sound maturity had occurred...

Read something that really triggered feelings and thoughts...

The American therapist Jean Jenson writes that certain feelings/emotions – like abandonment, being expelled, insufficiency/inadequacy, deep dependency, that one is “mean” or “bad” or feels shame – are experienced now, in our adult life, ONLY because we couldn’t feel these emotions as children. These are feelings adults wouldn’t have if a sound maturity had occurred.

Independently of the actual circumstances, these are always OLD feelings, when they are experienced in adult age.

I think she is right, but this doesn’t mean we can’t or don’t have to understand the adult feeling/having these emotions!!!

Cinderella…

the fairy godmother

I go on writing…

Miller writes in her book “The Truth Will Set You Free” about a woman, Katya...

I grew up as the oldest of six children coming close… I have three sisters and two brothers.

Miller writes that a woman (man) can reject accusations from grown up children only if she (he) in her (his) youth wasn’t subjected to [utsatt för] extreme corporal punishment [extrem kroppslig bestraffning] and was allowed to make mistakes. She writes that there are also many mothers who were punished for every little thing by their own parents (by both the mom and the dad) and go on blaming themselves or allow themselves to be blamed. They behave like small children trying to be good so as to earn the love of their parents and not be alone.

My comment: and today there is knowledge they too could benefit from… They could also search for information and knowledge and wanting to know. But all don’t want. Why not? Because somewhere they sense that the truth would be too painful? All these things have caused? For themselves, their lives, their relations and for their children and grandchildren in turn and maybe even great grand children? Unable to stop this vicious circle.

They use to say that people survive heart-diseases if they have close relations or close family ties, these have better chances of recovery (Miller mentions Dean Ornish).

But Miller writes that she has found that many patients cling to the very attachments that have played a strong causative role in their illness (they wouldn’t even have became sick if they had lived in better relations?).

And she writes that some of them manage to free themselves from their illness if they have the good fortune (yes, one needs some or a lot of good fortune for this?) to encounter enlightened (truly enlightened) witnesses who can help them dig down and find their own personal truth.

By the way, the Swedish physician Christina Doctare writes about two elderly people (a woman and a man), if I remember right, in her book “Hjärnstress” (“Brainstress”) and the fatal effects their relations had, especially when these persons retired from work and didn’t have work-contacts as moderating factors. In the end leading to death she thinks.

Back to Katya: it was Katya’s job to look after her two younger sisters. And if they failed to live up to their mother’s standards Katya was blamed for this. Miller sees parallels to the tale of Cinderella (Askungen). She thinks that the dynamics of this fairy tale occur more frequently than we might expect in real life.

Miller wonders how Katya was able to develop an average intelligence. How did she contrive [finna medel till, lyckas] to satisfy her mother’s demands (explicit and implicit, outspoken and not outspoken)? At least to the extent of being able to survive and not turn to crime later in life. Who was helping witness in Katya’s case? Hardly her father Miller thinks.

Katya was unable to remember herself.

But when Kaya was about fifty she suddenly met a former playmate from the neighbourhood who told Katya that she admired her so. And reminded Katya about another family's maid, Nicole, who had been very fond of Katya and spoilt her when her mother wasn’t present, because Nicole was afraid of her mother (what about the child then? In my case people had a deep respect for my parents, who had a lot of integrity??).

Thanks to this maid Katya grew into a strong and lovable person. Noone else in her childhood supported her and showed her respect and affection for the person she was except this Nicole.

As an adult Katya was good at her job, but her private life was a succession of mishaps. She was drawn to the wrong men, abusing her trust and at last Katya married a man she didn’t love.

She wanted children but couldn’t love her children as she would have wished. Intent of being different from her own mother in every possible way, she never beat her children, but she was incapable of protecting them from his cruel father. From the outset her relationship to her daughters and sons, the fist born three months after her marriage (three weeks before she was expected to come), was marked by the experiences she had been through. As her own feelings were alien to her, because she had no knowledge of what a child feels, she was unable to relate to her children’s feelings and maybe even less to the first.

In her own life, including her marriage and her relationship with her son, Katya was dogged [jagad, följd i hälarna] by guilt.

Just as she had been blamed for every misfortune [olycka] that befell [hände, skedde] her mother, father, sisters and brothers, she blamed herself for the suffering of her husband and children. Her husband were adept [skicklig i] at exploiting her attitude to delegate [delegera] to her the feelings he had split off from himself – helplessness, anxiety, powerlessness – and thus avoid living with them himself.

Katya was like a sponge [tvättsvamp], she absorbed all those feelings without realizing that it was not in her power to work out other people’s feelings for them. Only her husband could have understood and come to terms with his own emotions. But instead of refusing to take over the feelings he cast upon her, she accepted them without protest because emotionally she was still the little girl who felt responsible for her parents suffering.

This could be a mix of me, my mom – and my dad?? And sisters and brothers? A thought once again; who have own families in this sibling’s crowd? And why? Were they allowed a greater freedom? Allowed to free themselves? Allowed to see through to a higher degree? Or allowed not to idealize as much as other siblings? And what about self-esteem, valuing oneself? What has one been living for? The only option for some of these siblings, because they had no other value, than doing a good job, being good workers, but doing it very modestly, not thinking they were anyone? God forbid.

At last Katya realized and admitted to that she had married a man who strongly resembled [liknade] her mother, a man without the slightest interest in thinking about his own behavior and profoundly incapable [djupt, grundligen oförmögen] of relating to others.

For twenty years she hoped that with kindness and understanding (False hope) she might be able to change things for the better, but the nicer and kinder she was to him, the more aggressive he became (and contemptuous towards such a weakness and lack of strength, the one he had?), because above all he envied [avundades] her for her kindness.

After years spent soliticing [enträget beende om, bjudande ut sig åt, tiggande om], she developed severe internal bleeding. Her uterus was removed.

Katya was blind to the fact that as an adult she had ways of escaping her dilemma, that she could have separated from her husband. Instead she sought ways of living with him without incurring [ådra sig, utsätta sig för] outbursts of anger.

She also taught her children, especially the daughters (and maybe most f all one of them?), being kind and nice, to avoid being badly treated, incurring outbursts of anger (the victim's fault how it is/was treated effectively inoculated, implanted from early childhood).

“One doesn’t have to be aggressive!!”

Do her children have tendencies to that? And who actually have those tendencies (if any of them have)??

She tried to understand how she could live in peace with her husband; the very sight of her appeared to provoke a towering rage [uppstickande vrede?], so there must be something wrong with her of course.

But what she needed would have been help to be the woman she was and to find the courage to live with the truth, her truth. But her feelings of guilt prevented her from setting herself free. She was within herself still the small child who took all the blame for the bad moods and the failures of the people around her in herself.

And never the two meet.

As she had learned as a child from her own mother, the adult Katya forced herself every day to believe what she was told and not to see what she saw. Although this compulsion as a source of immense suffering [ofantligt lidande], she was unable to rid herself of it and desperately sought a solution (in what manners?), yet she still refused to perceive the roots to her troubles in the relationship with her mother, whom she idealized despite this woman was dead since long and despite she in many ways could criticize her.

Katya’s unfulfilled desire for an emotional and intellectual exchange with her parents, sisters, brothers, and schoolmates had survived for so long in an illusory form.

She had turned to perfectionist, unable to forgive herself for her failings.

To confront these questions seriously, Katya should have had to face up to her earliest childhood, when her mother used physical force (for instance by pulling her children’s hair) to make her a good girl deeply ashamed of everything she did wrong and felt and said and thought, and living in a state of constant guilt (for being badly treated).

The lessons she learned retained [behöll] their impact throughout her life. Katya’s potential fort guilt was unlimited, an innate trait, her nature she thought very convinced.

She was able to develop her creativity and establish relationships. And in her work she was able to help others. Some thought this was because her teachers had been strict at school, as her parents had educated her strictly too.

But all her life she was incapable of ridding herself of the guilt her mother had implanted in her at such an early age. The seed thus sown [fröet som såtts på detta sätt] grew into a tall tree and effectively obscured [fördunklade] a view of the facts. And what was the price, not only for her?

All her life Katya had submitted [underkastade sig] herself to well-established [väletablerade] guidelines [förhållningsregler] (following written and unwritten “hand-books” eager to do the right thing and blaming herself harshly if she didn’t do right, but wrong, for being a lousy mother, lousy wife etc.). She had accepted all kinds of laws that played a major role in dictating her behavior. But doing it so intelligently that she fooled both herself and people in the environment?

"We who grew up learning good behaviour, in a fine family!"

the headmaster's wife (who could have been her mum) at the agricultural school the young couple moved to as newly married said to the young wife one of the first years as married. The truth was that she wasn't raised in a "fine family", on the contrary. She grew up in a working-class family. At the bottom of society really (though socially adapted). And was the only one of four siblings who studied further.

As daughter to this mother one can survive by creating a life where the rules aren’t so strict? Where you can be “spontaneous”? Where you can break rules? Live a bit outside the "norms"? And in that way adopt the father’s way of behaving, but in a more “female way”? Not being quite as bulldozer-like as he? Not quite as insensitive?

Unable to question the code of morals her parents had lived under really. Still correcting her children/grandchildren, but in a “kind” way. Actually using manipulation, but in subtle forms? And not noticing it herself?

I have changed some facts in the original story about Katya…

No, now a bike ride before my niece comes here after her dancing-lesson. She wanted help with two melodies she is going to record at school! She hasn't taken any playing-lessons, so...

Getting out of a cult...

A former primal therapist writes:

"The running of the business was based on human greed, deep hypocrisy, and a need for fame and fortune at whatever cost.

Nor were therapists the 'Post Primal' people Janov described. Many had disturbing personal problems which had easily survived their own therapy. The Institute was a difficult workplace. Training techniques were abusive. The political infighting and positioning among the staff was the same as any business which offers lucre at the top. The humor, for the most part, was mean- spirited. Attitudes were arrogant and insulting of anything which challenged the Primal belief system.

Above all there were unethical and unprofessional practices built into the system: dual relationships (business and sexual) between therapist and patient, false claims of results, false advertising, interns working beyond their level of skill, treatment of patients who were too disturbed for this kind of 'therapy,' emotional harm caused by a system that opened people up to intense feeling without adequate follow-up, perhaps even medical malpractice by the neurologist who prescribed medication according to 'Primal' guidelines.

In this context, even therapists who wanted to provide effective therapy would fail. There were well-meaning and creative people who worked hard to make Primal Therapy live up to its promise. We failed. The system was too destructive.

That it took me eight years to learn this indicated how desperate my life was when I went to the therapy, how much I needed to believe in a powerful and omniscient world view, how isolated I was in the world, and how well Janov's promises matched my personal desires as well as the political and cultural forces of those times. It also speaks to the effectiveness of the Primal indoctrination techniques.

I also think it is an indication that there are aspects of Primal Therapy which contain therapeutic value. The techniques for eliciting painful feelings can be quite effective. The grief process is well understood and may be healing, depending on the context. Patients' experiences are often quite real and dramatic. Unfortunately, whatever there was of value was completely overshadowed and negated by the destructive superstructure within which it was housed.

I worked hard to become a competent therapist. I struggled against the drawbacks in the system. I became competent, but the system burned me out. When I left that world in 1982, it was a shock. I realized I'd been in a cult. As with anyone who leaves a cult, I had to learn different ways of looking at the world and myself in it. It was a confusing and disorienting process which challenged my beliefs on many levels.

I experienced deep ambivalence. My self-esteem suffered tremendously. I know how destructive the Primal world had been, yet I couldn't reject it completely. I had given such a big part of myself to it. I had to believe there was value there. I rejected the Institute and its destructive practices. I could no longer be a part of that. But I wasn't sure about the theory.

After almost a year of 'floating' and 'decompression,' I decided to continue working as a therapist. I wanted nothing to do with Primal Therapy. This meant I needed to open up to other ways of thinking and working in my profession. Even though I was already a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor, I knew I needed to start learning my craft all over again./.../

The Therapy takes responsibility for changes that are positive. Failure is always the fault of the patient.

Patients' vulnerability, low self-esteem, and high expectations make them easy to indoctrinate into the Primal mind-set. Perhaps if the therapy were effective it would be okay. But when the results don't happen, it becomes a destructive process. /.../

The main purpose, though, was to make Janov famous and rich. Even without him, it remained a cult. /.../

He is aiming his promise at vulnerable and desperate people in an unforgivable way./.../

So Primal Therapy doesn't work. Once this is acknowledged, alternatives become possible. None are easy. There's no simple, quick cure. Healing is a complex process.

The following are some steps people might find themselves taking if they decide to leave a cult:

Physical separation: One must actually separate from the people and places which reinforce the cult mind-set.

Breaking the ritual: Stop the addictive habit of thinking that you need to 'feel a feeling' to solve every problem or whenever you feel bad.

Decompression: a floating kind of disorientation, ambivalence, and depression. Uncertain who you are or where you're going. Expect it; watch out you don't try to 'Primal' it away; experience it -- it'll be a part of your life for a while.

Anger and loss: As with an eating disorder, Primal intrudes into an essential area of human activity, our emotional life. These feelings need to be dealt with in a different way. Sometimes long periods of repression are necessary at first. Remember, it's okay (even necessary) to repress things at times.

Reconnection with the person you were before you came: your hopes, dreams, desires, and interests. This can be an exciting time of discovery as the world begins to open up for you. Expect uncertainty and anxiety as well.

Creating a place in the world for yourself; friends, family, work, fun, community. Widen your context and your perspective. There are many possibilities in the world.

Acknowledge and honor the needs which attracted you into the cult and which were satisfied by that tightly controlled world.

If necessary, get professional help: this could include groups with others who have shared the experience. This is not always necessary. Many can leave without professional help, if they have work, friends, and interests which are supportive.

Attend to the problems which made you seek Primal in the first place: Chances are some of them will still be around causing you havoc. It's a terrible feeling to have spent years 'in therapy' only to discover the same old awful problems in your life. A lot of anger and hopelessness here.

Hanging on: If you do seek professional help, watch out for all the comparisons you'll be making wherein the 'new' therapy won't compare well at all with the Primal one. You'll ask, 'Don't you BELIEVE in FEELINGS?' and the therapist won't know what you mean. Remember, feelings are just one of many human processes and experiences: there's nothing to 'believe' in. Also, the new therapy won't satisfy your addictive need for intensity. That will be hard [at] times but ultimately is a good thing.

Shame: It brings many to Primal Therapy in the first place, and it finds a convenient hiding place in those dark rooms and that 'special' world. When you leave, it can emerge like a serpent from hell to torment you. It is tamable.

Separate what has been of value in the Primal experience: It's not an all-or-nothing proposition. Some of what you learned and experienced may be of great importance in your life. Honor that."

Kvinnan tige i församlingen...

Paul the Apostle in the eyes of El Greco respective Rembrandt.

När jag satt och skrev om annat kom jag att tänka på begreppet "Kvinnan tige i församlingen"... Enligt "Bevingade ord ur Bibeln" är detta citat hämtat ur 1 Kor 14:34.

---

Loudly thinking… More about womens' voices (and all people 's voices in the lengthening???).

When I was writing about other things I suddenly recalled the mode of expression and what Paul said about women’s’ role in the church (congregation?), not allowed to raise their voices, they should keep quiet… With this followed renewed thoughts about silencing and censoring forces… And the methods for censoring and silencing… And who let themselves be silenced? And censored? Who don’t care? Who gets the encouragement and support?

“The cat on the rope…” An (un)conscious need to exercise power? To protect oneself against shame-feelings – and the underlying pain? But whose responsibility is that? And how do one handle those things? Especially if one has been silenced and censored , and kept on silencing and censoring oneself? You have to do a hard and tough work? And try to face the pain..? Not easy...

And women behave in this manner too against each others... Women silencing and censoring other women... Maybe not least the last am I thinking of. What triggered this blogpost actually. Quite sourish.

I grew up with two brothers and three sisters... Boys were valued higher I think... (very quietly).

I see a child exploring language, trying new words, using expressions wrong and the reaction in her parents, a look of shame and contempt (contempt for the child and its imperfection, "ofullkomlighet", "icke perfekthet" in Swedish)... Which the child noticed... And experiences like this held the child back step by step? Till it was a doll, as superficial as a doll too!? But intelligent enough to play her role so many got fooled? That about masks... Putting on a mask. Not being ones true self, not being allowed to be ones true self, not good enough if one was ones true self!!?? And still one isn't good enough if one is ones true self? What one true self is?

Miller writes somewhere about parents shame for their children...

It starts early?I am probably blind to a lot, but I come to think of a 6-year-old Emelie... And her look sometimes, of wonders and shame, or what? She plays with a small boy, a boy fixing a lot of things (with two elderly brothers and ambitious parents and grand-parents), a boy fixing more than small boys use to fix.

"Am I good enough? Do I fix this as fast as I 'should'?"

Of course she does. And she is firmly resolved?? :-) Her mother said after she had taken part of her first mini-concert this fall (after only around 6 lessons) that the parents wonderedif she should want (and dare) to play. Oh yes, she should play!! And she did! Bravely! Was in a class of her own when it comes to age. In a room filled with people, more people than I had expected!

And I am also thinking of all sudden side-tracks! :-) What they have done at school, a tooth that is about to get loose... :-) The eagerness to tell (and??? :-)).

What am I mirroring? Her and/or me??

I can also see the small intelligent child being laughed at, and imagine very, very weakly how that felt... Not being taken seriously. Not being good enough. The humiliation...

See further (in Swedish) here and here.

Using the voice you have. What voice you have. And it was a time when we didn't have any words at all either... What did we do then? And it was a period (over several years) when we conquered he language; how was this done?

Why have I chosen this work? I could have gone in my dads path... I am interested in that too... What is this interest for all and everything about too? Is it the true me? And it also struck me again; dad took lessons in singing when he studied to agronomist...

I got the language early!! Started to talk early it is said... And learned to read with no difficulties, and spelled right early. Read and wrote a lot. Together with a lot else... So it isn't a matter of lack of that sort of language!?

Now a cup of tea and a walk in a wonderful winter-day with presentiments of spring!?? And then some work! Hmmm...

PS. Back after a nice walk; told how to dress, how to have it at home, that the photos she has taken was a bit unsharpened, told this and that... From some. I was good at drawing once, I thought of being architect (and also got a place on that program, despite I didn't work hard at the gymnasium)... And when one later doesn't think one is good enough, than that's wrong too... Strange...

Quite ironic...

Master suppression techniques...

In another circumstance I searched on the Master Suppression Techniques and found this, translated to English:

"The Master suppression techniques were a framework articulated by Berit Ås to describe five means by which women are or were subjugated in Western patriarchical societies.

The techniques are:

• Make Invisible [surround that person with silence for instance, as if she/he doesn't exist?]
  
• Ridicule
• Withhold Information
• Damn If You Do And Damn If You Don’t
• Heap Blame and Put to Shame"

The roots to this, to this need (whether it's conscious or not)? If I had time I would refer to things Ingeborg Bosch has written I think... The need of bullying (spela översittare).

But I want to add that Ås has pointed out that the use of these techniques can occur not only men towards women, but also women between etc. Used when someone need to exercise power, maybe feel more powerful and knowing, put her/himself above whether it is conscious or unconscious...

What legitimacies bullying of any kind? How big or small, even the most subtle... Can one blame early childhood abuse? And who is responsible for that early abuse actually? And later: is that early abuse to blame for what you do or say, for your actings today? Some small, silent wonders...

Hmmm, that about being well mannered... And what is actually done for my own good? Of real care? Of real concern? What matters and what is important actually?

PS. I have written a blogposting about "Women's voices"... About singing-technique and being able to raise your voice (even technically), even if singing is something I just slightly touched upon in my two music-educations. Over whose voices are dominating, everywhere, even on the net (and who is listened to and seen and heard?).

And it is a bit funny that I have been method-trained in teaching singing... I don't think I know much there... But enough to reflect on these topics (do I know anything about anything I wonder silently?).

Reflections...

I should do other things than writing!! Practice piano (I have a lot to work on, but not least my fingers need to be "in good form" now with a concert soon), go to the grocery store, fix up here, and not least relax… Read a god book, take a walk or just do nothing?

Thoughts that got triggered (a lot stored up through experiences the last years, in circumstances and with people one should expect would be enlightened and maybe “better” than people out in real life?)!!! But I wonder if there isn't people in real life that are worth being liked and loved, despite their lack of enlightenment, as much!?? Or even more?? With risking to be unfair here. I wonder if I have become badder treated in the first mentioned circumstances than I have been by people in real life!?? Just something I am tasting and now by articulating it am trying to explore if that's true? Wouldn't it be the opposite?? Shouldn't it be otherwise? I don't know if I am unfair now...

I also came to think of what Jenson has written about shame and from where feelings of shame comes according to her. Shame both for yourself and on behalf of others… I also came to think of the Wall of Silence, experiencing that, being surrounded by that.

Also thought, once again, over contempt (for weakness, but not only for weakness) in different shapes, expressed in different ways…And how people have reacted when one have asked for help and posed questions… How some just pull their shoulders (??): "well, I can’t (doesn’t want) to help you! (I simply don't know where to start, because what you are asking for is..., how shall I express it? There's SO much to change, so...?) You have to figure it out yourself!?" Isn’t this exactly as the father once: "I don’t know! You have to figure this out yourself/sort this out yourself!"

Contempt over people striving and struggling on their own, the best they can?

There was a girl I think, striving from early childhood to manage all and everything on her own, to figure everything out on her own. Afraid of overloading an exhausted, occupied mother and an occupied father… The consequences and results of this am I thinking of…

As a grown up with a grown ups eyes (or??? What do I know?? What have I understood?): isn’t it incredible that she managed what she did on this journey? That she managed things to the degree that she did, on her own?

With little help or support. Maybe not being truly seen (or seen for what?)?

Ashamed of "all she had"... Had to be ashamed over it. To excuse it.

I must have an enormous need to express and articulate things? A need that is bigger than concerns about being “perfect” or doing things perfectly?

In the middle of this I came to think of music-lessons I joined as auscultator some years ago in classes with children with Downs Syndrome. Their directness to feelings and emotions…To expressions and to joy!! :-) And they also showed when they didn’t like something!! With little censorship? That about controlling yourself… What the brain – and intellect can do… And what can this lead to in the worse cases? If you control yourself too much? Yes, the less you have contact with the “homo ludens”??!! When you are unable (more or less) to laugh and play? For which there can certainly be reasons… So one shall not moralize over this either? Unless you aren’t in a power-position where you have means to kill it for others…

And I have also recalled the last time what my piano-teacher at the Conservatory (after the high-school or gymnasium at the nature-science program) said to me once… That there was something (self)destructive in me. When I dared to express things in my playing something struck me down?? As if I was forbidden to show who I really was? Become visible?? Show hat I had to come with? How much I had to come with? How lovable, colorful, interesting, I don’t know? That I had something to come with and express? With this not said that I am angel, with no faults, someone that is perfect…

I don’t want to be loved for my achievements… Was that my problem?

We (me and my three oldest siblings) moved five times during our childhood (till I was 18 years old), so we had to change schools, friends, class-mates, environments, teachers of all kinds, including piano-teachers (in my case)…

I was no go-getter? Didn’t have to be best?? Or then (at least as a little older) I wasn’t as ambitious and diligent as I have later become!? And I was interested in a lot: reading books, music (but didn’t think of working with this), rode horses, tried a lot (even practically),very active, fantasizing… And, yes, I had it fairly easy at school? “Oh yeah, you shall not complain over anything!! With all opportunities to do all those things!!! You ought to be ashamed! You should be grateful! You should be ashamed!”

Silently: how loving is such an attitude? Is this an expression of empathy? Of understand? I don’t know who deserves empathy or understanding? (but I can’t help wondering who gets it both here and there and on different levels in society! And who doesn’t get it?).

A feeling of having to apologize for my whole existence… For who and what I am I think…

But what have I actually done to others? Just by existing?? Or? What am I actually guilty for? What can I be accused for? What is MY fault? What am I actually responsible for? How hard that even would be for me to realize… What crimes have I actually committed? No, I don't want to hurt or cause damage...

Am I entitled to be proud and glad for some things? Or can I allow myself that?

I think Miller is right: if we direct things at scapegoats instead of at the ones that did harm to you you will never get liberated. Jenson expresses this in another way, in the style: “if you rewrite your history the failure is inevitable.”

I think she is right… Directing things at scapegoats or reacting at symbols doesn’t solve things… Directing things at relatively safe targets or at safer targets, more allowed targets maybe too (i.e. not ones parents).

But the tricky thing is to know what is what, yes…

Yes, children can become scapegoats in families!!! Be garbage cans for everything that can’t be expressed in other manners!! And they easily land in similar conditions later in life?

There was a family once with a lot of cute children... Almost like Pip-Larssons. But this family had a higher position though than Pip-Larssons... With more educated parents, with a higher material standard... Belonging to the middle-class. Where the environment saw up to these parents... People sighed when they saw all these cute, well mannered children!!! Suddenly dentists discovered that the two oldest had a lot of "supernumerary" tooth-germs ((?)of all things)! So here started a history of surgeries for more tan five years, where over ten teeth-germs was taken away for the oldest sibling (who had a fontanel over the whole scull, down on the forehead, making her mother scared she had got a damaged child), less for the one year younger. A third sibling also had a variation of this syndrome (he also had that enormous fontanel, but no extra tooth-germs (?)).

The dentists laid this family last on the day, because they were so very interested in this very nice family!!!

I wonder how many of these operations were necessary? Did they cause anything?
Did they make things worse? Even? But it is as it is...

Time for lunch, now!!! A late!!

PS. But articulating things has been good, in the long run??? And the road has not been lying there straight ever!!?? Despite "all I have got"... Not for what I have, what I have achieved, where I am... Not for who I am either??

And the sacrifices, losses on this road... Things that are lost for ever... Things I will never get.

PPS. On a walk now in rain, when it had become dark I thought further on for instance silencing factors here and there... Came to think of:

"Use what talent you possess - the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best" (Henry van Dyke).

And also found this (but this isn't what I strive for I think):

“To desire and strive to be of some service to the world, to aim at doing something which shall really increase the happiness and welfare and virtue of mankind - this is a choice which is possible for all of us; and surely it is a good haven to sail for” (Henry van Dyke).

And who is the snobbish one? The one that is supposed to be?

"Bully" is "översittare" in Swedish.