När jag satt och skrev om annat kom jag att tänka på begreppet "Kvinnan tige i församlingen"... Enligt "Bevingade ord ur Bibeln" är detta citat hämtat ur 1 Kor 14:34.
Loudly thinking… More about womens' voices (and all people 's voices in the lengthening???).
When I was writing about other things I suddenly recalled the mode of expression and what Paul said about women’s’ role in the church (congregation?), not allowed to raise their voices, they should keep quiet… With this followed renewed thoughts about silencing and censoring forces… And the methods for censoring and silencing… And who let themselves be silenced? And censored? Who don’t care? Who gets the encouragement and support?
“The cat on the rope…” An (un)conscious need to exercise power? To protect oneself against shame-feelings – and the underlying pain? But whose responsibility is that? And how do one handle those things? Especially if one has been silenced and censored , and kept on silencing and censoring oneself? You have to do a hard and tough work? And try to face the pain..? Not easy...
I grew up with two brothers and three sisters... Boys were valued higher I think... (very quietly).
I see a child exploring language, trying new words, using expressions wrong and the reaction in her parents, a look of shame and contempt (contempt for the child and its imperfection, "ofullkomlighet", "icke perfekthet" in Swedish)... Which the child noticed... And experiences like this held the child back step by step? Till it was a doll, as superficial as a doll too!? But intelligent enough to play her role so many got fooled? That about masks... Putting on a mask. Not being ones true self, not being allowed to be ones true self, not good enough if one was ones true self!!?? And still one isn't good enough if one is ones true self? What one true self is?
Miller writes somewhere about parents shame for their children...
It starts early?I am probably blind to a lot, but I come to think of a 6-year-old Emelie... And her look sometimes, of wonders and shame, or what? She plays with a small boy, a boy fixing a lot of things (with two elderly brothers and ambitious parents and grand-parents), a boy fixing more than small boys use to fix.
"Am I good enough? Do I fix this as fast as I 'should'?"Of course she does. And she is firmly resolved?? :-) Her mother said after she had taken part of her first mini-concert this fall (after only around 6 lessons) that the parents wonderedif she should want (and dare) to play. Oh yes, she should play!! And she did! Bravely! Was in a class of her own when it comes to age. In a room filled with people, more people than I had expected!
And I am also thinking of all sudden side-tracks! :-) What they have done at school, a tooth that is about to get loose... :-) The eagerness to tell (and??? :-)).
What am I mirroring? Her and/or me??
I can also see the small intelligent child being laughed at, and imagine very, very weakly how that felt... Not being taken seriously. Not being good enough. The humiliation...
See further (in Swedish) here and here.
Using the voice you have. What voice you have. And it was a time when we didn't have any words at all either... What did we do then? And it was a period (over several years) when we conquered he language; how was this done?
Why have I chosen this work? I could have gone in my dads path... I am interested in that too... What is this interest for all and everything about too? Is it the true me? And it also struck me again; dad took lessons in singing when he studied to agronomist...
I got the language early!! Started to talk early it is said... And learned to read with no difficulties, and spelled right early. Read and wrote a lot. Together with a lot else... So it isn't a matter of lack of that sort of language!?
Now a cup of tea and a walk in a wonderful winter-day with presentiments of spring!?? And then some work! Hmmm...
PS. Back after a nice walk; told how to dress, how to have it at home, that the photos she has taken was a bit unsharpened, told this and that... From some. I was good at drawing once, I thought of being architect (and also got a place on that program, despite I didn't work hard at the gymnasium)... And when one later doesn't think one is good enough, than that's wrong too... Strange...
Quite ironic...
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