Manipulation...

taken yesterday at work.

Some thoughts thrown down just before work, when I moved between work-places now before lunch. In my excellent and fantastic English (I wonder if you ought to be quiet, k!!?? You ought to realize your limitations!? To be honest!? Quite ironic).

A method to punish a child is to surround it by silence, meet it with silence. And I think this is more horrible than we can imagine… A grown up needing to demonstrate his/her power in this manner… Grown ups can be met with this too!?

You can act old things out in different manners, aggressiveness in destructive or self-destructive behaviors. Some people (or all more or less) use both methods to different degrees?

And abuse is more than spanking. But does spanking result in another sort of suppressed anger? That takes its expression in aggression and brutality? Together with self-destructiveness of different kinds (for instance more successful suicide-attempts?). While other forms of abuse more result in self-destruction, self-harm of different degrees, but not as much in aggression and brutality?

On my way to the first school (on bike, icy roads):

You can manipulate in other ways too, not only with silence (ignoring the child till it changes) if “necessary”!? By instilling shame in children, for their natural needs, for their imperfection (they should realize their utter, enormous imperfection!!?? Taken out of the delusion that they are perfect!? Realize their utter limitations?), their reactions, thoughts, behaviors, way of expressing themselves, in all: their ways of being, how they are!?

All this is done in different manners, more or less subtle, some of these measures are aware and some aren’t aware? Both consciously and unconsciously done?

You can do this to other grown ups too!? Of shame on behalf (!!!) of them try to change them, or not even reply to what they say? You react to how they say it, not actually WHAT they are saying in some cases). What is this shame about?? What does it awoke? Honestly I don’t think I want to understand THEM (the ones feeling shame and needing to change one), but to understand the mechanisms and roots.

Is this for instance about feeling superior? Maybe even powerful, knowing, capable!??? And maybe this is entirely unconscious? But does this mean that you aren’t responsible for what it can cause??

And the one exposed to this sort of (conscious or unconscious) power game

Need to be very self-aware!? But how many are?

Yes, shame for others what is that actually about?

And why does a child behave in the way he behaves? What would a “natural” behavior be if the child wasn’t abused at all, or hardly at all??

And why does a grown up behave as he/she does? And if that person isn’t harming anyone… What’s the problem? Or does this person harm just by her/his way of being?? By instilling shame in its poor environment??

Where has Miller written about her experiences with the Wall of Silence?? I would like to come back to that, but now I don’t have time to look for that book. I believe it is in “Breaking Down Walls of Silence” (“Riv tigandets mur”)!? But the forum ourchildhood.int doesn’t live up to this? Miller approves of how people are treated there? People are me with silence, they have to figure out on their own why contributions are rejected, and in first hand also why they are rejected, when they are rejected. People aren’t informed about why they are rejected, and don’t get any opportunity to defend themselves… Miller also writes about our wish for an open, genuine communication…

Don't anyone wonder why people maybe are objecting and reacting? If there may lie something behind?

So who is manipulative?

And what is actually manipulative?

Jenson and Bosch on shame (and guilt). About the different expressions of Walls of Silence, or the theme Walls of Silence, see earlier postings here and here.

The text above was very swiftly written in a pause in work...Franz Kafka.

Addition in the evening: I found the text I thought of, where Miller writes that she experienced the Wall of Silence already in her childhood. Her mother used to meet her with silence for days in a row to demonstrate her absolute power over the small girl and force her to obedience. The small girls' needs, questions and suggestions were taken aback against this wall without forcing her mother to defend herself for this sadism, at all. The mother saw this attitude as a fair and well-earned punishment for offenses the small girl had done, as her duty to give the child a lesson. "For her own good!!"

As in Franz Kafka's "penal colony" the small child wasn't informed about her punishable offense(s). In this omission there was a message; if the child didn't even understand for what she earned this punishment she had no conscience!! Oh, horrible!! If she didn't understand then she had proved her badness!!

The child was pushed away, had to seek, do her utmost till her conscience (hopefully?? with a lot of iron) told her what guilt she had drawn upon her. Not until then she could TRY to apologize and dependent on the mood in the one in power, if she was lucky, maybe be excused!!

The child then couldn't realize that this was actually a (extremely) cruel and even sadistic behavior/treatment. She couldn't realize this on her own, no. She needed a grown up who could help her to see, at all see, even if she didn't get the help to question it and see it as unfair. She couldn't take the truth in with her feelings on her own for what her mother actually had showed (lack of love), instead she questioned her own feelings and natural (and adequate) reactions, than questioned her mother and her behavior, that what she did was wrong and unfair (to what extent it was wrong and unfair), that she in fact showed despise and contempt for the small child.

The child was left in "the/a prison of confusion" as Miller writes!!

Bosch is talking about a defense she calls the Primary defense (det första eller ursprungliga försvaret), in which the child blames herself...

See also Arthur Silbers Miller-essays where he often mentions not only Denial but also obedience (that the child is learned to obey from earliest in life) here and there in these essays (in my feelings) and what it results in later, in life and in the society!!

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Miller skriver på sidorna 23 och framåt i sin bok "Riv tigandets mur" i kapitlet "Ur förvirringens fängelse":

"Tigandets mur [The Wall(s) of Silence] upplevde jag redan i min barndom. Min mor brukade möta mig med tystnad hela dagar i sträck för att på så sätt demonstrera sin absoluta makt för [och över!!??] mig och tvinga fram min lydnad. /.../ Den lilla flickans behov, frågor och förslag studsade tillbaka mot denna mur utan att min mor behövde försvara sig för denna sadism. Hon betecknade sin attityd som ett rättvist och välförtjänt straff för förseelser jag begått, som sin plikt att ge mig en 'läxa'. /.../

Liksom i Kafkas 'I straffkolonin' blev nämligen den lilla anklagade aldrig upplyst om sin straffbara förseelse I denna underlåtenhet låg ett budskap: 'Om du inte ens vet vad du har förtjänat detta straff för har du ju inget samvete. Sök, forska, ansträng dig tills ditt samvete säger dig vad det är för skuld du ådragit dig. Först då kan du försöka urskulda dig och beroende på makthaverskans humör kan du, om du har tur, kanske få förlåtelse."