[Slightly edited March 1]. From an article with the heading “I thought I could make my brother free from drugs”:
In this article you can read that all power and energy is directed towards the one who is addicted. My addition: from all the other people in the family (relation). The article writes about persons standing near (sister, brother, lover etc.) wanting to help.
And about the clever (no needy) one:
“I have always been the one who has managed on my own.”
My wonder: was this the one becoming burnout? Thought of a family where the siblings (or even all family members) were allotted different roles. And whose fault was this? Who was to blame for this? he older sibling? The youngest? The one in the midst? Or ANY sibling?
Don't all children have needs? The same fundamental/basic needs? And are entitled getting those filled, irrespective of how many kids there exists in the family, if one or both parents are sick, if one child is born disabled or becomes disabled, has problems etc? (why does a child get problems? Why so many kids if there are many? Do kids come from God, with the stork?)
“I gave and gave without getting anything back, it was a one-way-communication and you can’t manage this long term.”
You break down (or become invisible) or break with the person in question.
When you can manage the situation (if you can, get the help to develop an own self to a certain degree) you at last get strength for yourself.
“When you are co-dependent you want to help, one thinks one is the one who can change the situation, but now I understood that you don’t help the addict through always standing by him/her.“
For the one used to taking care of other people and putting her/his own needs last it’s a big step doing something else then taking responsibility for a grown up person, but letting her(him take responsibility for her/him. Not fixing things for other people, letting them take responsibility for their own stuff, themselves.
The most important isn’t the addict, but that you yourself feel well, you can read in this article.
“I feel much better and have gotten a better self-esteem. I am gladder, my eyes are sparkling. I am doing things more in my own interest, as attending courses, meditate and listen to mental relaxation.”
It’s usual that the one living near an addict gives up her/his own life and focus on the other person (and his/her dependency). At the same time one is struggling with fury, disappointment and hopes. Often the addiction becomes something shameful that the close standing (feels she/he) has to hide, making the co-dependent alone, and thus making her/him having no one to talk to. But one of the most important things a co-dependent can do is finding such a person, a person to talk to.
Realizing the truth is extremely painful struck me all of a sudden when I read this article.
How many children haven’t been taught to “think of other people”… Not being egoistic.
And how many have heard:
“He (she) is so caring (about other people)!”
about a sibling, with a warm voice from a mother? As if this isn’t natural! And as if this doesn’t come naturally when time has come? If the child has been treated with respect and care.
How many haven’t heard parents (mothers) saying:
“He is… She is… and she is…”
Meaning another child isn’t this way!? Meaning this child should be a model or a deterrent example? Or what?
And I think the phenomenon trying to rescue another grown up person can occur in other circumstances too... Not always is about rescuing a person from addictions to drugs...
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