Freedom, autonomy, arrogance, cynicism, xenophobia, societal approval, and needs...

[Slightly edited in the evening and a little February 24, seeking, searching the words]. Quickly some notes thrown down.

On my walk this morning I thought on the notion “freedom”… What is this about? What should it be about?

I also thought on the notion autonomy, and further on arrogance and cynicism.

Miller has written about autonomy, for instance in “The Drama of the Gifted Child” (in my translation from the Swedish edition):

“A patient with ‘antennas’ for the unconscious in the therapist will immediately react on this [the therapist's needs of another, weaker person’s childish dependency on him/her]. He will quickly ‘feel’ autonomous and behave in this way if he notices [on a conscious or unconscious way] that it is important for the therapist getting autonomous patients with a secure behavior quickly. But this ‘autonomy’ ends up in depression [sooner or later], because it isn’t genuine.”

I think she is right. Many (all) patients seeking help are used to filling other persons' (parents', caregivers' and their substitutes') needs. Actually the patient isn't to blame for being stuck in depression. But many patients tend to blame themselves, blaming themselves for being failures, impossible.

Miller also writes about manipulative measures concerning depressive patients, and the vicious circle of contempt showing in too many helpers too...

She also writes,about autonomy (in the same book):

“The difficulties to experience and develop own genuine feelings results in a permanent bond that makes a demarcation [liberation] impossible./…/ …the child hasn’t gotten the opportunity to develop an own security.”

And this is often met with contempt for weakness, not empathy or understanding/enlightenment about the roots to this state. Too often also from so called helpers, such as therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists. And thus the person in question is stuck in shame and becomes even more tied up, even more unfree.

Contempt for weakness and instilling shame.

I also thought about needs, bottomless needs, originating in the child’s unfulfilled early needs. And those needs can never become filled afterwards, but you can acknowledge and recognize them and maybe grieve them and then be capable of filling you adult needs… Instead of the childhood needs. Trying to fill our childhood needs always causes problems, bigger or smaller.

It’s important that you don’t belittle or minimize what happened though, or rather this is even crucial for recovery to occur.

What we see (and have seen through history) are needs (for power and wealth) need that are never fulfilled, expressed in different ways, more or less violent. Persons never getting satisfied. And this is nothing we are born with is my true conviction, but has a reason.

Miller also writes about directing our anger (and other feelings) at scapegoats (symbols, symbolically dealing with early things), something that will never liberate us. Only of we direct those feelings at the true and original causes we will become liberated. Which doesn't say that any of this is easy, unfortunately. So if we could prevent this...

Yes, it’s this with xenophobia too… See for instance the American neurologist Jonathan H. Pincus and fascism (“Hitler and Hatred”), and about societal approval… See earlier posting on Pincus on terrorism. And also see earlier postings under the label bigotry.

Emotional needs: essential for survival…

[Updated February 17]. Wanted to write a little more and am doing this while I am listening to the Melody-Festival on TV!!

Quotes from “Rediscovering the True Self” by the Dutch therapist Ingeborg Bosch, about attachment, bonding and emotional needs. See the earlier posting on "Attachment and bonding..."

In the chapter “Emotional needs: Essential for survival” she writes at page 41-43:

“It is important to understand that non-material things such as love, respect, physical touch as cuddling and being held, emotional warmth, a perception of safety is necessary for the child’s very survival. In our Western society there is a strong tendency to think that although love, respect, physically affectionate touch, emotional warmth and safety, etc., are important, a lack of such things could not be life-threatening.

Phyllis Davis’ illustrates the essential nature of emotional needs. She reports some terrible facts on early child death: ‘In the beginning of the nineteenths century more than half of all children died in their first year. The illness was called ‘marasmus’, a Greek word, which means ‘wasting away’… (only fifty years ago) the most widely proclaimed method of childcare was based on the advice published in 'Care and Feeling of Children' by Dr. Holt in 1894. Stop any rocking don’t pick the baby up when it cries, feed only at set times according to a schedule, and prevent ‘spoiling’ by picking the baby up unnecessarily outside the necessary feedings and diaper changings, was some of Dr. Holt’s advice /…/

These dogmatic ideas have survived and even today some parents and doctors adhere to this ‘scientific’ way of raising children… It wasn’t until after the WWII that the cause of marasmus or inexplicable infant mortality was researched and a link could be made with a lack of touch. The infant mortality decreased notably in those places that increased the amount of touching of the infants.

Bowlby’s ground-breaking research in the early fifties also shows how vital it is to satisfy the emotional needs of infants:…from empirical observation we suggested that the young child’s hunger for his mothers’ love and presence is as great as his hunger for food.

In the early fifties people’s eyes started opening up to the fact that infants’ emotional needs are as strong as their need for food, implying that a lack of having these needs met would have severe consequences and eventually lead to death; death by ‘marasmus’. Just as lack of food would eventually lead to death by hunger if this lack were great enough.

Well-known experiments by Harry Harlow on maternal deprivation provide us with yeat another illustration of the importance of emotional needs. As described by Melvin Marx

‘…The results generally indicate that permanent psychological effects can ensue unless adequate substitutes for the mother are provided /…/

Because both heat and food were provided by the surrogate mothers, these satisfactions do not appear to be sufficient to produce normally behaving offsprings.

Harlow’s baby monkeys definitely preferred the surrogate mother with a body of terry cloth over sponge to the simpler wire-frame model, although each presented the same heat and food. Apparently the monkey affectional system is dependent upon contact stimulation provided by the terry cloth, which encourages cuddling; here is more to even monkey motherhood than warmth and hunger satisfaction.’

‘Neglect or abuse, lack of attention from an uninterested or self entered parent, and physical punishment all leave damaging traces on the development of the emotional brain, that result in the shaping of life-long emotional characteristics. In childhood, responses to treatment by caregivers take on a fixed pattern in the fundamental synaptic wiring of the neural architecture, and are difficult to change later in life.’

Lastly, I would like to refer to Robert Prentsky’s research, which also clearly illustrates the enormous impact that follows when emotional needs of the child go unfulfilled. His research shows how the first years of the lives of criminals, guilty of extremely cruel and violent crimes, differed in one way from other criminals who had committed less cruel and violent crimes. The very violent criminals had been sent from foster home to foster home, or they grew up in foundling homes. Their personal history indicated severe emotional neglect and subsequently a very slight chance for adjusting to or bonding with other people in their environment, due to a lack of continuity in relationships.

Just as in the case with Harlow’s little monkeys, there is abundant evidence showing that children have strong emotional needs. Children need more than food and physical warmth. Safety, cuddling, love, respect, and nurturing physical contact, etc. during their first years are essential in order to secure survival and healthy emotional development.”

Addition February 17: Found the following text at this site.

“It is generally known (back to medieval or ancient times) that deprivation of sensory stimuli like voice and vision in the early phases of human life will cause irreversible mental retardation in the child. Also the prevention of child play will cause intellectual deficits in the adult. But eyes, ears and the nose are not the only human sensory systems.

Additionally there are the two body sensor systems, the 'somatosensors'. One is the vestibular sensor for maintaining orientation and upright walk [see this paper about talking without words, or about non-verbal communication; in Swedish though. Not disturbing or even destroying it, but show the child the outermost respect! We can recover, more or less, but it is an enormous struggle doing this!??]. The other one is the skin, for sensing touch [see Bosch about boundary violations! And also here].

MOTHER BONDING IS ESSENTIAL FOR PEACE

Through the work of James W. Prescott, Ph.D. and various others until the mid 1970s it was established that these previously neglected senses are of overwhelming importance for the development of social abilities for adult life. Their deprivation in childhood is a major cause for adult violence.

James W. Prescott /.../ created and directed the Developmental Behavioral Biology Program at the NICHD where he initiated NICHD supported research programs that documented how the failure of ‘Mother Love’ in infant monkeys adversely affected the biological development of their brains. These astonishing abnormal brain changes underlie the behaviors of depression, impulse dyscontrol and violence that result from mother-infant separations.”

Addition February 23: And also see this, about the kangaroo-method.

Attachment and bonding...

portraits on the walls in the Assembly-Hall at the old gymnasium.

[updated February 16]. I couldn't hold myself from writing...

Wanted to blog about the article "You are as good (as mom), dad" ("Du duger lika bra, pappa" in Swedish), because I thought it was so interesting and/or stirred a lot of thoughts.

Because these early experiences of attachment and bonding are so important for our later life, for growing up to sound, well functioning individuals, independent, self-governed, autonomous and socially functioning in a genuine, real manner. Grounded deeply in the individual.

Here comes a summary of the text:

All over the world it is in first hand the mothers that has taken and still take care of the children. Aren’t men good enough? Oh yes, they are! a Swedish male journalist writes in this article. And he give us the arguments which deprives the absent fathers of their last excuses. (Or don’t they want to have this contact with their kids? Wouldn’t many men want to?? What have they missed earlier and during the whole history maybe?).

During the former decade we have got the idea drummed into us, by one heavy theory after the other, that dads shall protect and provide for wife and kids, but that men/dads aren’t created for near relations with their (or other) children when they are small.

But the last decade there has been a dramatic change in these ideas. A psychological theory which is called the attachment-theory has got its definite breakthrough. And it says that men are as good as women taking care of children. This ought to create a revolution in our way of seeing and viewing the family.

About the anknytningsteorin in Swedish and about the attachment theory in English. Also see a paper on the attachment pattern in three different generations (in Swedish though); dealing with if the foundation for a child’s attachment can be changed later in life, how life occurrences (livshändelser) affect a person’s attachment style, has the sort or type of life occurrences any importance or signification, and can the child’s attachment style be predicted from the parents’?

The theoretical frame of reference which is used in this paper is Erik H. Eriksson’s developmental psychology and John Bowlby’s attachment theory. But I won’t refer more than this to this paper here I think. Both these men got very old!!! Eriksson 92 years and Bowlby 83.

The attachment theory was created by the British psycho analyst and child psychiatrist John Bowlby (1907-1990). After WWII he studied orphans on some of all children’s homes in the war-ravaged Europe. At this time one thought small children didn’t need much more than food and a warm bed to sleep in to feel well and be healthy.

But Bowlby revealed that the feeling of being carried in soft arms was almost as important for a child’s survival as the access (supply?) of food. Children not experiencing bodily contact are at risk of simply dying with no apparent cause, see below about marasmus/inexplicable infant mortality (earlier postings about marasmus and needs) and bonding. Which also was what happened to many children at children’s home before Bowlby made his discovery.

These discoveries were the kick-off for the attachment theory, which Bowlby went on developing till his death 1990.

The research round attachment has shown that both children and parents has an innate need of creating near emotional relations to each others (if it isn’t disturbed or even destroyed early in the later grown ups life). We use these skills during our whole lives, but the process starts already at birth.

At first the child seeks contact with all adults, actively (the grown up though need to be sensitive for these signs, or not insensitive rather I guess? Yes it’s more of a question of that the grown up isn’t insensitive to them!?). But after half a year, or somewhere there, it focuses on a few numbers of persons, concentrating on them. One says that the child attaches to these adults.

As grown ups we have an innate need to attach to small children. That’s why it is almost impossible to not smiling back when a baby smiles at you. Unless the adult hasn’t been injured. In the paper related to above the maternal grandfather was such an injured person (I haven’t read so well so I can say to what degree). But his daughter, the later mother experienced warmth and near relations later in life which made her better prepared for attaching to her child/ren?

And I have read somewhere recently that you CAN rehabilitate what you missed with the small baby at birth, when it comes to attachment and bonding… If this is done the nearest days?? And if you don’t minimize or belittle the importance of bonding and what occurred for the child at birth (A. Miller actually writes about this too in her book “Paths of Life”).

What parents need to do so the child can attach to them in a good way has been studied carefully by the attachment-theoreticians. The grown ups willingness and ability to be sensitive to the child’s needs is entirely decisive.

John Bowlby said the parents should be as a safe foundation/base from which he child can explore the world and as a safe harbor to return to when the child needs protection and nearness. If the parents are successful in this the child gets a safe attachment.

If the parents fail, the attachment gets unsafe; this affects the child’s ability to create relations on its own both with other kids and other adults later in life. Affects it's autonomy!? (my comment).

The professor in psychology Philip Hwang has been a pioneer in this field here in Sweden. Already twenty years ago he tested Swedish children’s attachment-patterns. At that time one thought that children had a unique relation to their mothers. But the results surprised.

-What was exciting was that there is no difference in the attachment-relation to the dad or to the mom,

he says.

-There were as many safe attachments to mothers as to fathers.

Hwang found that children could have safe attachments to their fathers independently of how much free from the work the dad had been to be with his kid (see about our Parental Leave/föräldraförsäkring here in Sweden).

-When we made the investigation we had an idea that the fact that one was home a lot with ones kid should influence the attachment-relation. But it wasn’t so. The children could be safe with the dad and unsafe with the mom, no matter if the dad had been free in parental leave a longer or shorter time.

Men have traditionally been seen as incompetent in their capacity of being sensitive for and wanting to meet their children’s emotional needs. But Hwangs investigation showed that dads don’t have problems with this (or don’t have to have problems with this!!??). Which means that dads and moms have an equally good ability to create a safe relation to their kids. This means that dads has been deprived of an important excuse to leave the responsibility for the children to the women.

-Men are no biological monsters!

Hwang says.

-His function earlier was to protect the small family-unity, but he had no independent role in relation to the child/ren. Many similar ideas are still remaining. Expressions like 'It feels more natural' and 'Why should the women be ‘equipped’ with breasts if they hadn’t a special role’ (arguments both men and women use!?).

In a new investigation one has found that nurses on child welfare clinics (well baby clinics) not seldom have a traditional view on the mom’s importance for the child despite all good intentions about activating the fathers!!!

It’s clear that parents to be and those who have just become parents are exposed to a cross-fire of ideas which often has no scientific support, but which suits the environments expectations and our own worked-in sex roles.

A man with shared care for his three children (divorced from their mother) said that when he got the children for his week with them he had to make a mental adjustment, from his traditionally ‘manly’ self-centeredness to what he sees as a more ‘female’ sensitivity for the children’s needs. When the children moved back to their mom one week later he had to switch back to his old role to feel well alone.

The author of the article recognizes himself in this, and says that as man he has been trained into the role of putting himself in the first place/room. And that role doesn’t function with his daughter. But his girl-friend (the child’s mom) has been trained into this role since she was a child, being drilled into it, of being sensitive, caring and unselfish, and she has always seen other women taking care of their children, i.e., had role-models.

-As caring man there aren’t many role-models and many would see it as natural if I didn’t fit into this role so well.

he means. He thinks it isn’t strange he feels a certain lack of confidence in this regard, being a care-taker of children, and not least his own children.

The author means that the attachment-theory shows that we, behind the sex-roles, are feeling human beings who manage to make noble achievements in the world and of creating near emotional relations to our children and each others at the same time. We are capable of both/and.

He thinks this view on man is attractive. And thinks that the women’s role of today stands closer to this view on man than men’s role of today. The women have made the journey into the man’s domains more than men have made a corresponding journey into women’s territories. But I would say that too many women have adopted men’s worse sides!!?? Too!?? And abandoned other more 'female' sides, the better ones. To say it kindly??

This equation, of combining all and everything with no real corresponding change in men's roles, has created problems for women. Their workload is enormous today, managing everything.

And we all looses on this!?? How many of us walking around in society, in the world aren't harmed and maimed to different degrees, more or less, with a lot of problems in our lives, our relations??? Problems that wouldn't have been necessary!? And we struggle to handle those...

Yes, I think we can recover, but it is a hard work... And a lot of this work wouldn't have been necessary!? Philip Hwang.

What do we actually need?

Life-saving - what is actually life-saving??

What does a small child need to develop to a healthy and well-functioning individual?

Read an article about women's and men's roles when it comes to child-rearing. And about early bonding.

Thought about developing autonomy (autonomi och självständighet) as grown up. And a true, genuine autonomy, deep rooted and as natural, as for instance breathing, is in the individual...

Have thought further on the topic needs... Childhood and grown ups...Where trying to fill childhood needs always causes problems of different size...

I will blog more about this later...

Hugs and hugging...

At wikipedia it stood about "hug":

"Research shows that the female brain naturally releases oxytocin after a 20-second hug. The embrace bonds the huggers and triggers the brain's trust circuits. So Brizendine advises, don't let a guy hug you unless you plan to trust him."

No, it's hazardous!!?? :-) The Red Cross-campaign about giving a hug here!!!

About the third video:

"Cirkus in Stockholm. Chess (see here too) is written by Björn Ulvaeus Benny Andersson and Tim Rice. Here's 'Du och jag' (You And I) from the Swedish production though this clip is from another concert but still with Helen Sjöholm and Tommy Körberg who was in the Swedish cast.
Here's the Swedish lyrics:
Anatolij: Vad kan jag säga Vad kan jag göra Allt som jag känt - det som har hänt Kan du förklara
Florence: Jag var för dum att förstå Dum och naiv - jag gick i fällanAnatolij: Kan du då tro på mitt ord - du är mitt allt
Båda: Du är min dag min natt Du är livet när det pulserar Vågen som slår - allt som vibrerar Du och jag Drömmar av glas Krossade i ett slag Ibland skärvorna står vi Vi som hör samman Åtskilda går vi
Anatolij: Vad har jag gett dig Har jag förrått dig Har jag nåt val - tankarna mal Jag vill ha kvar dig
Florence: Jag har fått nog av allt spel Nu är det slut - nu är det över
Anatolij: Kan du förlåta mitt svek - jag är din vän
Båda: Du är min sorg min gråt Du är smärta när den briserar Vågen som slår - allt som torterar Du och jag Drömmar av glas Krossade i ett slag Ibland skärvorna står vi Vi som hör samman Åtskilda går vi."

Addition February 8: And now I am sounding almost like Tommy Körberg in the last video!!?? :-) When he had flu when he sang directly in TV I just have a cold!?

Yesterday a small 6-year old Emelie said that she was hoarse! :-) But she sang loudly nevertheless when we sat at the piano. Peter, her playing partner, is sitting in another world playing, occupied with the/his playing entirely (or in an entirely other world??), but they listen to each others (so he he IS listening and there)!

I couldn't help smiling and said, "While I am coughing you are hoarse!!! Not good! How shall this end??"

Addition February 9: Helen Sjöholm also seemed to have something on her voice (the fourth video)!! She didn't sing "perfectly"!! Horrible! And today I am sneezing!!!