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8/06/2009

Status and happiness…

"A meaningful job is happiness. Forget status and money if you want to become happy at work. Stake at working with something that feels meaningful."
Bengt Brülde, associate professor at the University of Gothenburg, researching on what kind of strategies that make us feel well and become happier says according to the Swedish magazine "FeelWell."

But you have to earn a certain amount of money too is my addition. So you don’t have to count every penny you spend. And getting a meaningful job isn't all granted!? Too.

But his findings can be used quite moralistic… And by moralists. And by people in the power. And this is contempt for weakness.

And it’s not just to decide to be happy! Or just to change your mindset, I think… (also see this blogposting).

Status (or power) wouldn't be important if we had been treated with the deepest respect from the first beginning of our lives? And we would also have access to a whole spectrum of feelings, from happiness to its opposite...

6/04/2009

Why aren't those against abortions fighting against (all sorts of) child abuse? Miller and the fourth commandment...


Quickly: struck me when I spoke with my boyfriend (who is a child advocate). Why aren't the champions against abortions fighting with the same spirit, time and energy against child abuse???

Why aren't they fighting for the children THAT ARE ACTUALLY BORN and thus living among us, and against how they are treated, for better treatment of them (even when it comes to subtle maltreatment)? Why aren't they fighting for children's rights in all???

Why is this?

Yes, why aren't they loud speaking advocates for the children that are living here and now?

Isn't this contradicting??? And quite moralistic undertone?

What did Jesus say about those who are without sin and throwing the first stone? What has Miller written about the fourth commandment?

In the society I am living in this isn't a big topic (why? But that's another posting maybe). I just started to wonder.

And, quietly, I think this with anti-abortion campaigns is quite hypocritical...

By the way: why do women become unintentionally pregnant? Why are they living promiscuously? Why do those women become pregnant who aren't promiscuous? Can it be because of earlier child abuse in their life-history?

See about teenager pregnancy... Something that this earlier blogposting is about.


Addition after lunch: Also read about 'the World Environment Day and equality/inequality' at the blog Equality trust.

See or listen to "Capitalism Hits the Fan - Richard Wolff on the Economic Meltdown." Read about it here.

10/26/2008

Neoconservatism, neomoralism, perfectionism…


There's a wave of neoconservatism and moralizing over the whole (western) world is it? Ideas that weren't really opportune twenty years ago you express openly today with no shame at all!

Loud thinking around and about things I have read recently, I don’t have any real solutions to these things though, am just wondering, thinking, reflecting over things:


A Swedish journalist about Susan Faludi’s last book The Terror Dream – Myth and Misogyny in an insecure America (misogyny is hatred of women, though covered up in today's world as much as earlier?? And, yes, there is a backlash in the society in many respects!!! And I have actually started to read this book!) in the article “My Home Is My Sorrow – Ira Mallik About the Dream That Cracked – and Gender Equality”:

“…September 11 became the starting shot for a medial idealization of the housewife, the family, childbirth and the man as provider.”

She compares what Faludi writes concerning USA with the state of things in Sweden; calling it the building of the home (isn’t it a form of regression we see, regression in an insecure world? People are seeking comfort in idealizing the family, because that early family had “flaws” and they can't admit to that, when this image is triggered we people regress. The more flaws the family had and the person hasn’t processed this or come to terms with it, the more he/she regresses to earlier stages? And this also occurs on societal levels, when a whole society is in crisis, then many become more conservative for instance, we can see a neoconservatism and a new moralizing? Sometimes harsh?):

“With the renovation, the weekend cottage summerhouse and the upkeep of the private house, the parent generation’s traditional gender role division is maintained. Dad cuts the grass and does the joinery; mom works hard, potters about and decorates [see the Swedish painter Carl Larsson whose wife, Karin, also was painter originally, she let her artistic talents and interests out in the family, in the shadow/shade of her husband]. The common prison is decorated with Italian glazed tiles. The dream wasn’t to spend all free time renovating. The dream wasn’t either to look after the kids when the husband was renovating.


The perfection which, as soon as the putty has dried, is completed, seem to be the explosive paste which transforms the love relation to bloody rags and bitter wars, about leases on the place to live and the weekend cottage summerhouse.


All which shall manifest our selves in the home [instead of our true selves??]/.../


Ironically enough it is the same homes that shall manifest the middle class status and the

successful self [being good enough!?] which threatens to become transformed into a prison.


You have to pay money for interests each month and this demands a high and steady income./…/


Hopefully we can start to talk about all peoples’ rights to a decent living instead of fancy and cool kitchens and the right making a good bargain on ones living.”

Yeah, we have to have perfect homes, be perfect, look perfect, express ourselves perfectly (if you don’t you can keep quite) and have perfect lives… Being perfect partners, lovers, workers... So those having problems with perfectionism gets problems too in such a society, problems which had been smaller in another society?? No wonder burnouts, exhaustions – and broken relations!??)


Another article yesterday in a newspaper I bought “Should we get divorced more often?” with representatives for both the outer alternatives “Yes” and “No”. Where the woman Cecilia Gyllenhammar (daughter to the former CEO for Volvo, Pehr Gyllenhammar) said

“Yes! Follow your heart.”

(I didn’t find this article on the web but another one on the same theme).


She says:

“Dead marriages create a milieu without dynamics and beliefs in the future. It makes me crazy thinking of how other people ave answers on how our lives are. Don’t let outer pressure and moral rule. Follow your heart; allow yourself a rich sex life.”

The journalist asks her:

“Do you think more people would divorce if they could afford it?”

Cecilia G. answers:

“Yes, I know from my surrounding that people having it damn [economically] well have to change living area or even to one with a lower status. They are cowards and don’t dare to break up from old patterns and ideals [on top it's great shame not succeeding - or maybe even being left]. The society has to be there and see so people aren’t forced to stay in marriages. We have to prevent so the right [right wing people] doesn’t let our moral govern our lives once again, so the marriages aren’t strengthened in the society.”

We ought to wonder what healthy and sound relations are, and how to create them?? Because even if we are entirely independent we need other people!! Even autonomous people need other peoples in their lives. And a truly autonomous person doesn’t even think or reflect over this, but just has other people around, in healthier relations than many other people have?? And if they don't have people around they don't blame themselves, as if this is their fault?? And shouldnt't become blamed...


A sound, autonomous person can admit to her/his needs, wishes, and desires?


A man, Marcus Birro, has a different view on if it is too easy to divorce.

“Of course there are people feeling very lonely in a relation, but it is nevertheless a defeat with a divorce [yes, something to grieve!?]. Giving up is a loss [yes, and you have to grieve a loss].


The love is stronger than the self-centered cynicism that is rewarded in the society. The ultimate proof of this is that people can marry four times and really believe that it shall function each time, despite that all knows that it can go to hell.”

But he also wonders:

“Is it better being stuck in an emotional desert just because you want to continue driving a golf-car during the weekends?

Yes, there has been a lot of hypocrisy, and selfishness… How it looks on the surface…


People stayed together earlier who should have divorced!?? Or who should have worked their problems through and gotten help with it too. But because of the moral and taboos people couldn’t talk openly about their problems, maybe at all! And many also became scorned:

"Oh yeah, now you are coming here and complaining! You should have listened to me/us in the first place!"

Or something. So instead of helping people solving mistakes, people became punished, and many times didn't really work anything out. Didn't work things ot that could have been worked out, or in the worst cases didn't work a divorce through for all involved parts best... Or was stuck in a bad relation.


I think it was like this not more far away than in my parent’s generation, where nobody is divorced… Were/are their marriages better and established on better grounds?


Alice Miller has written a lot about traditional morality in the society and its results in her last books... No, what she talks about,and have been talking about for the last 30 years, isn't quite appropriate any more? Not as it was 15-20 years ago??

Are we dealing with the most painful things here though? I.e. our relations with our parents from the first beginning? Betrayals, disappointments, making our lives more difficult than they had to be, maybe far more difficult and painful than they ought to be??

And people don't get proper help dealing with this from their therapists, counselors, helpers! Because it isn't only about understanding those things on an intellectual level! But understanding it on an emotional - to some degree...

What is the eager glorification of the family about? How are the actual experiences of the early family actually for the biggest promoters of the family? Because they are promoting it in a quite moralizing way? How sound are those people?

And that about power, the needs for it and leaders again... See earlier posting with the label "backward psycho classes" and the essay "Leaders" by Bob Scharf, that the more defended psycho classes tend to lead!!! Yes,so it is!? This is what we see in the society and world!!?? With some (few) exceptions!?


10/05/2008

Jean Jenson om att känna sig som ett offer…


Förbudet att känna sig som ett offer är i högsta grad moraliserande!!? Jag reagerar starkt när jag får höra någon uppmuntra en annan att inte känna sig som ett offer, å dens vägnar som inte får känna det hon/han känner!


Se t.ex. tidigare inlägg om offerklandring som maktutövning? Ja, det är faktiskt också ett maktövergrepp om en terapeut säger till sin klient att denna inte får eller bör känna sig som ett offer. Denna terapeut missbrukar sin makt? "Blaming the victim it's all about power..."


Den amerikanska terapeuten Jean Jenson (nu helt eller delvis pensionerad) skriver om detta på sidorna 178-179 i sin bok ”Att återerövra sitt liv”.


En vän skrev ett mejl för några dagar sedan om detta och jag har gått och grunnat på detta tillsammans med en massa andra saker.


I Jensons bok står det:

”Ett annat negativt fenomen, som kanske också beror på tolvstegsprogrammens inflytande, är att många människor /…/ får höra att de ska akta sig för att känna sig som ett offer. Vissa menar att ’offerkänslan’ är en karaktärsbrist som måste övervinnas [i AA-rörelsen fall med hjälp av en högre makt!].”

Vissa hävdar dessutom att var och en ”väljer” våra kränkande föräldrar så att vi ska kunna få den erfarenhet vi behöver i detta liv för att ”växa”, vilket ju är en annan aspekt av den andliga inställningen.


Jenson menar att båda dessa synsätt är felaktiga i två avseenden.


1/För det första har man inte förstått att situationer kan ha symboliska aspekter, dvs. då sker automatisk växling över till ett medvetandetillstånd från barndomen och detta tillstånd kan vi inte påverka med viljan. Vi bara reagerar automatiskt på saker. Vilket inte innebär att vi inte har ansvar för våra handlingar eller vad vi säger. Eller att man kan bortförklara reaktioner med att de inte har med verkligheten här och nu att göra.


2/För det andra kan denna uppmaning att inte känna oss som offer vara (eller bli) en indirekt uppmaning att inte klandra våra föräldrar. Och detta stör vår förmåga att bearbeta det vi varit med om och vår förmåga att få kontakt med känslor som hade varit adekvata som reaktion på det vi upplevt (på faktiska förhållanden i vår levnadshistoria), men inte fick uttryckas då kanske alls eller bara delvis.


Det är faktiskt så att kränkta barn är offer och Jenson menar att när vi är i detta barndomstillstånd så måste vi, i våra känslor, kunna och få vara de offer vi en gång var. Hon menar att under påverkan (indirekt och kanske omedveten, men därför inte ursäktlig) av att föräldrarna inte får klandras (och det är faktiskt detta det handlar om när vi inte får känna oss som offer??) går väsentlig information förlorad.


Och till råga på allt kan följden bli att människor som försöker läka sina sår från barndomen mycket väl kan komma att utöka sin lista av problem med självkritik och skam. För arbete med bardomens smärta kommer ofrånkomligen att få oss att känna oss som offer menar hon.Och det är ju ett stort problem: att de som utsatts för övergrepp känner skam och tror att de var värda det som skedde och därför håller tyst, för att de skäms över det utsatts för.


Hon menar också att terapeuter borde hjälpa sina klienter att förstå att det är det barn som de var som är offret och att det nu är den vuxne som måste ta ansvar för läkningen.

”Önskan om rättvisa eller gottgörelse [från eller visavi föräldrar] måste bytas ut mot upplevelsen av att förlusten är verklig och sorgen smärtsam. Människor som känner sig som offer kan få stöd att ge upp denna identitet om de får hjälp att förstå att de faktiskt har rätt att ha dessa känslor – när det gäller det förflutna.”

Ja, det kan lätt bli en massa moraliserande!!! Och det gäller att passa sig för det.


Jag vill också tillägga att man nog ska vara försiktig med regressiva metoder... Det var en kvinna i ett forum som undrade över metoder över huvudtaget (i detta fall angående, ganska berättigad, kritik av metoden IFS - Internal Family Systems):

"Varför behöver man metoder för att bry sig om någon?"
Och det ligger ganska mycket i det!?

5/19/2008

Boycott Dr Phil…

A future pianist? Can anyone resist this smile? You just HAVE to smile back, don't you? From mini-concert today.

[Updated in the evening and May 20]. I would want to blog about the article ”Bojkotta Dr Phil” or “Boycott Dr Phil” later. I haven't finished my working-day yet though... See earlier postings with the label Dr Phil "Emotional Abuse as harmful as corporal punishment?" and "The pursuit of harmony.."


One of my pupils playing Für Elise.

Addition in the evening: The author of the article (in a local newspaper here) writes that she laid zapping between different TV-channels when she suddenly saw Philip McGraw.

She writes that she detests him and that she has had enough of self help books. Some years ago she wrote a review on one of his thick books and was met with opposition from both wise and stupid people in her circle of acquaintances.

“What are you complaining about?”

one said.

“Dr Phil not only gives people good advices, he also helps people for whom it has gone wrong in life practically.”

Yes, I know, she writes. But I also know that this man has made a multi billion fortune on spreading his ideas with a pretended godlike infallibility on how we in the west world (each one of us) shall become well adapted and happy [being obedient and keeping quiet?]. Dr Phil is the biggest, and the west world is abounded with self-help books and articles in newspapers in his spirit, because this is something lucrative.

Yes, certainly!

In the developing countries where people are struggling against starvation and deadly diseases advices like the ones in these books are of course meaningless.

The needs for self help seems to be enormous in our part of the world, so when I am critical to them I feel both split and confused when I try to understand why I am so angry she writes.

Yes, I think one can become…

She thinks what the self-help books are concentrating on are given truths: that one can feel sorry for human beings and that our need for comfort is limitless. In these books we shall become pupils to the authors and learn to become safer, wiser, more aware about our selves, more effective, healthy, beautiful etc. etc. Through hard inner will and thought power we shall chastise ourselves, see our flaws and improve. And in this way reach our true inner selves and find happiness.

When we admit to our limits, our guilt, then… See earlier posting on “Psychotherapy as indoctrination...”

Of course this sounds great, she writes. Ideas that permeate the west-word’s philosophy of life and more or less steer our thoughts. Thoughts the super-guru Phil is allowed to cement in our consciousnesses many times a day through million TVs as if these were in-debatable truths to follow.

She thinks it’s a pity that those books contributes to creating and adding fuel to a private-egoism, a focusing on the own self which stands in contrast to human kindness – and socialism (as she writes! Even though I am left-oriented politically, to be honest, I don't think these things HAVE to have with socialism to do I have to add :-) Even though I grew up in a middle-class family where all are well-educated and academics, and we had it fairly well materially).

Addition May 20: The power on many levels, maybe all, is (strongly) interested in dividing and ruling? Not interested in that people genuinely care about each other and truly cooperate? Caring both about themselves in a sound way and about others in a sound way too. What is a sound egoism and what is an unsound? Because of course we probably need to protect ourselves too many times! But protect ourselves effectively and constructively and not self-destructively or destructively, i.e. not harming ourselves or others - or the nature etc. But are the advices and tools we get effective for this? Miller is right: we are in denial about the true roots and causes, and the methods we use in dealing with problems are accordingly ineffective?

Yes, the results are those?

She thinks what’s wrong with those books is that they act as an intermediary in the belief that a human being can develop herself by own power (and will). But she thinks this isn’t possible, because human beings can only grow in interplay with others.

In one of these books (or actually many of them) it stands “love yourself” but life’s great gift isn’t that to love each other (and truly love), and when this happens isn't that a miracle (my addition)? She wonders if those fighting for their careers, their money, their looks and appearances, firmly, hardly encased in the importance of their own selves are the happiest.

She thinks that in those self-help books people seem to be divided in closed ME’s while "the others" serves as usable and preferably admiring objects. About the joy in deep friendship one can’t read, and nothing about goodness human beings between. The self-help human being shall counteract her negative feelings such as guilt and shame. But think of a world without these feelings, how would that world actually be?

She is however hoping that the small children still smiling at us with their teeth like grains of rice (risgrynständer) will understand in twenty years that egoism is a lonely and unhappy state, a state that has to be done something about.

She writes that between Dr Phil, the guru, and a mom a 16-year old pregnant girl was sitting on the TV crying while Dr Phil strictly told the mother that she should have given her daughter sex instructions in time!!!

After this she couldn’t see more and turned the TV off.

When I had read this article this morning and was on my way to work I threw some words down that was triggered (written with deep irony): What weakling are you? Who can’t manage your life? Not keeping things in check and control!!

Writing for a couple of hours after work. Have had three small pianists, they started playing piano a 6 year, and have played four years soon, playing in a quite big wind-orchestra this evening for the first time.

4/07/2008

About gratitude and positive thinking...

Moses with the ten commandments.
[Slightly updated April 8]. I came to think of what Miller has written about gratitude and positive thinking (something about encouragement, in society, therapy, by friends in social life etc., to feel gratitude and think positive even when there are no reasons for it, or how Miller wrote? As if one can decide what to feel either? As a sort of moral? A moral prescription? For which you are even admired and get accepted sometimes, and even are rewarded? And if you aren't grateful or positive thinking you get punished and maybe even rejected in some circumstances) and searched on it and found her article “What is hatred?” where she for instance writes:

“Hatred is only a feeling, albeit a very strong and assertive one. Like any other feeling, it is a sign of our vitality. So if we try to suppress it, there will be a price to pay. Hatred tries to tell us something about the injuries we have been subjected to, and also about ourselves, our values, our specific sensitivity. We must learn to pay heed to it and understand the message it conveys. If we can do that, we no longer need to fear hatred. If we hate hypocrisy, insincerity, and mendacity, then we grant ourselves the right to fight them wherever we can, or to withdraw from people who only trust in lies. But if we pretend that we are impervious to these things, then we are betraying ourselves.

The almost universal, but in fact highly destructive, injunction to forgive our ‘trespassers’ encourages such self-betrayal. Religion and traditional morality constantly prize forgiveness as a virtue, and in numerous forms of therapy it is erroneously recommended as a path to ‘healing.’ But it is easy to demonstrate that neither prayer nor auto-suggestive exercises in ‘positive thinking’ are able to counteract the body's justified and vital responses to humiliations and other injuries to our integrity inflicted on us in early childhood. The martyrs' crippling ailments are a clear indication of the price they had to pay for the denial of their feelings. So would it not be simpler to ask whom this hatred is directed at, and to recognize why it is in fact justified? Then we have a chance of living responsibly with our feelings, without denying them and paying for this ‘virtue’ with illnesses.

I would be suspicious if a therapist promised me that after treatment (and possibly thanks to forgiveness) I would be free of undesirable feelings like rage, anger, or hatred. What kind of person would I be if I could not react, temporarily at least, to injustice, presumption, evil, or arrogant idiocy with feelings of anger or rage?

Would that not be an amputation of my emotional life? If therapy really has helped me, then I should have access to ALL my feelings for the rest of my life, as well as conscious access to my own history as an explanation for the intensity of my responses. This would quickly temper that intensity without having serious physical consequences of the kind caused by the suppression of emotions that have remained unconscious.”

And I got a hit on an interview with her “Violence Kills Love: Spanking, the Fourth Commandment, and the Suppression of Authentic Emotions - Interview given by Alice Miller to Borut Petrovic Jesenovec in June 2005 for the magazine ONA (Slovenia)” where it for instance stands:

The interviewer: Positive thinking is just as harmful as religious injunctions to forgive and love those who hate us. Should we avoid new age self-help manuals?

AM: Yes, you are right. ‘Positive thinking’ is in no sense a remedy, as it is a form of self-deception, it is a flight from the truth and cannot help because the body knows better. In my recently published article on my website, ‘What is Hatred?’ I explain this point more extensively. I do the same in my latest book, which will soon be published in your language [‘The Body Never Lies’?].”

And see this article “Does Morality Harm Children? Alice Miller On Morality and Poisonous Pedagogy” by William L. Fridley. Yes, that about traditional morality! "Honor thy..."