But what is she doing??? (the first meeting?)[updated January 21 in the end]. Now in the morning I came to think about the topic limit-setting of children of some reason. And thought further on boundary violations and Kirkengen.
Boundary violations take place everywhere!? And have different expressions? Some are visible right away and others are very subtle?
How do we handle them when we meet them, if we meet them? For instance: how do we as grown up protect ourselves? I believe we aren't as helpless and powerless as children are concerning this... Except if we don't land in a deep crisis... Then it can become tricky... I have the book by Marie-France Hirigoyen on mobbing and stalkers. It stands about her that she is (was) nun and that she is psycho-analyst now.
And that you see in her book I think, that she is psychoanalyst I mean. She hasn't shaken this off. Is so brain-washed with Freudian concepts. My gut-feeling is that I doubt she can really contribute to solving what's actually the causes to mobbing and stalking.
I see some parallels to the American neurologist Jonathan Pincus and his research on serial killers, he hasn't shaken all old ideas off entirely either.
But he feels less moralizing than Hirigoyen?? And reading him feels better.
But none of these two say that the criminal, mobber or stalker don't carry responsibility for what they do or have done.
Now back to the original thread: There’s a lot of talk here about limit setting of children… And among grown ups the ones with for example exhaustion-troubles are said to have to learn to pose boundaries… And to learn to know their limits… A bit ironically... (Things are made individual problems. But that’s another discussion). Why do people have problems with boundaries? To pose them (and thus protect them,selves) and/or stepping over others boundaries?
I came to think of the Norwegian doctor Anna-Luise Kirkengen and that she has written about boundary-violations and their effects (if not immediately so later), and the concept revictimization.
There were several references to boundary-violations in her book “Inscribed bodies”, and in the first the concept bio-medicine was mentioned too.
At page 2-4 she writes (my italics):
“Those human conditions which are embedded in interpersonal relations, societal values, and culturally constituted meaning, are, through the very logic of biomedical theory, made invisible. The logic of the dominant methodology also renders them incomprehensible. Finally, they are deemed ignorable or irrelevant since values and meaning are non-issues according to objective science. The result is that the power implicit in social rank and the humiliations of human beings due to abuses of power are turned into non-medical logics, making medicine, inevitably blind to the adverse effects which abuse has on human health [the results of abuse isn’t ‘only’ psychological ill-health to different degrees!]. This becomes even more the case whenever the practice of such abuse is either societally legitimized or culturally taboo./…/
As medicine is a respected societal institution, and in its guise as a science, the normative character of biomedical epistemology accrues crucial influence. It effects central decisions with regard to what is, and what is not, to be considered relevant in drawing medical conclusions. Purporting to apply objective scientific knowledge while actually applying societal norms, medicine as a practice maintains the mandate to define the categories of ill health and malfunctions. By defining these categories, medicine has the right to include any conditions which meet the categorical criteria. Thus, according to the rules of formal logic, medicine also has the power to exclude those conditions which fail to meet those criteria. This distinction between ‘proper’ and ‘improper’ states or conditions plays a role in every medical decision. The norms of biomedicine are embedded in the practice of any medical examination and treatment, and affect every living person who addresses a medical institution in the role of a sick patient. Through application of these norms, distinguishing the ‘proper’ from the ‘improper’ within a formalized societal context, medicine has the power to stigmatize people who ask for help for ‘improper’ conditions. While acting in the name of giving help, medicine may, in fact, violate a person’s dignity. But even those who present apparently ‘proper’ conditions may risk stigmatization if presumably appropriate medical interventions prove ineffective. According to objectifying medical theory, such measures ought to result I a predictable outcome. If they consistently do not, the most probable question is not, ‘what is wrong with medical judgment and medical theory?’ but rather ‘what s wrong with this patient?’ Failures stemming from the foundations of professional judgment, namely medical knowledge acquired by applying rules requiring objectivity, are more likely to be attributed to those whose conditions fails to improve. In other words: Medical norms exclude, marginalize and then stigmatize.”
Side-track: is this the case even more today, with doctors’ limited time with each patient?
And in school: shouldn’t we all try to improve the school in general, together, isn’t this our common concern?
I have cooperated with class-teachers (grade 1-3) as preparation for the music-school. An offer from the music-school, as a way to reach all children, not only those having support from home… To give all children an opportunity to experience the joy of singing, dancing, playing… And maybe make them want to go further, and learn to play an instrument. (I want to add: during all my work life there has been discussions round instrumental education; genres not least, to use the music young people listen to, and to use all the new techniques when it came: synths, computers etc. etc. etc. I am a bit tired hearing about this, as the very ambitious person I am, working and working and trying and trying. Hearing ‘you should this and that!!’ And those saying this, what do they actually know about what I, or we, do?? Quite sarcastically to be honest!!). With the ambitions t give all children an opportunity to become active executors not only passive consumers… Does this sound idyllic, and unrealistic, a stupid dream?
And back to the question limit-setting: why do children and young people have problems with boundaries? How do we handle this?
The best would of course be if we did something as early as possible… The best would be before the child was born; informing about a child’s needs (if we know which they are? For this we probably need to have access to our own history… Which would probably demand a tough, hard work on ourselves, and how many are interested in that?).
I don’t know what is actually possible at school: but with a child acting out on others and in the class-room, what should one do? And what is done actually?
I don’t believe in “obey and keep quiet”! The authoritarian, totalitarian method…
Are grown ups afraid of hearing about actual truths? And/or afraid of having to deal with something they don’t know how to handle? The method of solving this is sweeping this under the rug!???
Is it possible to talk to the child face to face, in person, and explain to it, calmly and not moralising that you can’t do this or that, and at the same time be open to listen??? And to hear!!?? This would probably also require that this grown up has support from other grown ups in the environment, so he/she can keep the professional, empathic stand he/she ought to have??
The sad thing is that this I probably so much easier to talk about than to do… Just because I think we all have experienced things we don’t want to be reminded about…
But from some professionals we are entitled to demand more in this respect: not least from psychologists, therapists of all kinds, probably also doctors and at last people in school…
Silently: personal development isn’t highly regarded or rewarded though… At least from some bosses… I wonder if a more seeing co-worker also can be a little dangerous!!?? The more aware and enlightened this person can see other things and question other things and that is “a bit” dangerous… (or very dangerous straightly said!!??).
So children are at risk of becoming revictimized already in school…
I see parallels to what Kirkengen describes in medicine to the conditions at school. But I don’t work in the “regular” school, only in its outskirts.
Another sidetrack: research has shown that the ones that are more empathic are at greater risk of being burnt-out…
What am I taking on my shoulders? To change the whole world? What is my responsibility? Is this only my responsibility? Can I do this on my own? And what shall I do on my own? What can I do? The first step is to articulate things? To say it out loudly? Test the thoughts in that way? And by this also process my own personal things? Discover what is actually driving me, and by this maybe also deal with things more constructively? Not burdened with a lot of own unprocessed, unconscious stuff? Which can make me behave and handle things maybe both self-destructively and destructively, i.e., harming myself and/or others even if I don't want to do that (which I perhaps do)?
And things I meet: what is about me (and are things I should do something about) and what is not about me, but the other person actually??? What am I to blame for, and what I am not to blame for?
PS. It's convenient with people taking the blame on them, with people blaming themselves?? That about defences... Which are actually protections against old pain Bosch and Jenson mean, and they cause problems of all sorts in grown up life. I think Bosch even writes that they can be life-threatening.
On the label "the Primary defence" (blaming yourself). And the label "defences".
Hmmm, somewhere when I had passed 30 I started to dare to dress much more personally, with more colors... And here I also started to awake with anxiety! Scary to show who I was? To go out there in life thinking I was someone? I have also noticed that my hand-writing changed somewhere here! I use to write my name on all my music-books also dating when I bought the book in question...
And I wonder if I have a dash of Body Dysmorphic Disorder??
PPS. And, yes, I have done a cosmetic operation (pure cosmetic), a big one (no breast or something like that). Being photographed is something I dislike enormously, and being recorded when I am playing, singing or talking is awful too. I can stand it if I don't have to listen to it... Is this something genetic maybe, as suggested in articles about this disorder? Or how was that child mirrored and viewed? With dislike even ranging to disgust sometimes? The musician Sinéad O'Connor in fact mentions this in an interview!!?? Does she suffer from a slight variant of this disorder?
I see people around, have seen and amazed wondered; what's the difference: all these people having relations, and not seeming to have any problems with this... Despite this and that. And I think it may be so, that it doesn't have to have anything to do with a child's intelligence, brightness, beauty what concern parental love. There exist parents capable of loving a child hpw "faulty" it even may be. And this child grows up with this natural belief that it is valuable, and doesn't care at all about how talented or god-looking it is!? But this is probably fairly rare, that a child is treated i this way, that the parent doesn't need of for certain purposes or for filling her/his needs?
And it also struck me now, when I was to the grocery store (and in no time at all did what I should there, very effectively, with a sigh!), that: is this some sort of competition? Who is most harmed and who is less? Who has had it worse? So the one "more harmed" is in a position where he/she and/or is allowed things the less harmed isn't?? Can it be so? "What do you have to complain about??? You who...!!!"
In a similar manner as the father was excused for this and that, because of his lousy upbringing??
"What do you have to complain about; you with your back-ground, all the opportunities you got and had!!??"Just this fact, does it give others permission to mistreat? And isn't this fairly contemptuous?? Too!!? What have I done to that person? Just the fact that I exist is enough?? And that I exist as the one I am? I have to take this humbly, full of shame for who and what I am (as if what I am, how I live etc. is something to be jealous about at all!!!). Bow my head and just take it?? Shall I?
And have I done that person something? What in that case? Wouldn't it be better I was told that first??
Deemed beforehand, because I am this and that?? As piano-teacher you are..., as teacher you are..., with your background you are...?
And in fact, I have been very quiet with my middle-class back-ground, with educated parents and all siblings, at work etc. (as if it was something so fine or fantastic!!!), where I come from, about the family, what we had, what we did, what we do...
And this background was no bonus either round 1970 and further... (quite ironical. I wasn't mom and dad!! Was I? I hadn't chosen parents as little as anyone else! And what did I experience? I don't know, surrounded with a lot of hypocrisy!!?? People seeing up, blindly admiring, not imagining what could occur in such a family and with such highly regarded parents? So I wonder if things had to be even more suppressed maybe? And the Denial bigger? In a way? So, I don't know, who has had it worse? As if that give anyone some kind of discharge from liability, quite ironical!!! So discrimination what is that? All my life having to excuse and apologize and hide...? And frankly, those who don't understand this can take them in their asses!!! I try the best I can, have always done, and tried not to make any differences on people, whether I have succeeded or not!! And I stand on the "weak's" side, and have always done, but today I do in another way, hopefully?).
I bought two bouquets of tulips in the store... Now some tea and then a walk. When I return home some lunch. Thought I should bake root-crops in the oven, but the oven has to get warm first... A late lunch - again!!
Addition: as if the "more harmed" has rights the "less harmed" don't have!!?? How one measures this actually? And is this some sort of competition either, or? But grown ups between; both have the same rights and responsibilities?? And you ought to be entitled to demand the same treatment, a similar respect etc.?? Or?
Addition January 21: see earlier blogposting on empathy deficits and biomedical scientists.
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