Morning reflections...

the dreadful (gruvliga) part of the town, not the sweet or delightful (ljuvliga). The poor people lived here earlier, but now these small red-painted houses are pretty expensive.

[Updated during the day]. Jenson writes at age 73-79 in her book "Att återerövra sitt liv" or "Reclaiming Your Life" about a pair, Mary and Joe, with problems in their relation. Joe is joiner and has become unemployed. But he doesn’t want to take his share of the work at home now when he doesn’t have a work any longer.

Mary works as nurse and has had the total responsibility for the home at the same as she has worked full time.

Joe gets very irritated when his kids or wife want something from him (his childhood story Jenson thinks), and Mary takes a lot of responsibility on her and has done from they got married.

When Mary can’t stand the situation and starts lashing out on her kids and gets headache and an enormous tiredness she wonders if she has got a depression and consults a doctor she works with. When he has heard her history and that her mother also suffered from depressions he thinks there is a hereditary tendency for depression and prescribes mood-rising medicine.

For a while their problems are relieved. But a pair like Mary and Joe often gradually realizes that antidepressants doesn’t lead to any positive changes and seek family advisory service (counselling or therapy for pairs).

This can be a good start – if the family counsellor understands that it is childhood experiences at the root of the problems. The relation is possible to improve, but to achieve the final healing, which gives the best possibility to create a sound closeness and a prospering love relation both need to work on their early experiences/history (take a look at it maybe for the first time, question things and see them as wrong etc.), not just relearn from the outside so to say (my, a little free, interpretation).

And they need to encounter a counsellor/therapist who understands these things (and has worked on them her/himself). I think Jenson is right, but the work doesn't necessarily has to be done through regular, proper (regelrätt) regressive or primal therapy... But a therapy where one gets help to process and integrate ones history. Without this the changes will be small and shallow. And maybe some ARE satisfied with this, of course.

And - this work is probably also so hard and painful so many retreat of understandable reasons?

Yesterday a female colleague (47 or 48 years) hitch-hiked from the music-school (and three workplaces meetings - phew!!) to a school we both work on on Mondays and she told me how she had it at home at present, upset (we have known each other for long). With husband, an old mom, and everything. How exhausted she is on Fridays (when we get vacation colds break out and things like that). But now she tries to get up early to take a walk (get some exercise) to prevent this and take care of herself.

Her dad recently died in cancer and her mom couldn’t stay in their house alone (and they have recently established the mom has a weak heart, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, what we call KOL etc. etc. and she got very worried over all this, and has to take all this). The mom has moved to an apartment in the town one month ago or so though and x thought maybe now things would calm down (and on top the new owners of the house complained about things in the house, so they have had to deal with this TOO).

X has two teenage kids, and they are reacting too in different manners (the son with compulsory behaviours. Yes, x is very open-hearted. And they have tried to treat this with changing his behaviour - only?).

x's only brother, 6 years older (and not married) died in cancer a few years ago, and x had to be hand holder to her parents in this - too. So she has no unloading (avlastning) through other siblings either now, to handle old parents sickness for instance. But she hadn't earlier either? And one can wonder whose responsibility things are too (for other grown up people,like her parents for instance, easy to say though)?

X has taken antidepressants and been in therapy or counseling for a lot more than ten years. Her husband has been to a therapist too, pushed by his wife. And it is possible they have been in therapy for couples for a short time…

And at work x is very responsible-taking, with a lot of initiatives. And she is quite outspoken and spontaneous, quite open about hers, and says things from the bottom of her stomach (med stödet).

But despite all this very little has actually changed I think!

She is still in counselling I think and maybe that has held her on her feet. But isn’t something lacking in this counselling/therapy? Or are real, genuine improvements impossible?

I think this man is right about how it is in the society (and in therapy too), see here.

Addition before lunch: Too great nearness can invoke fear in one of two… And feel like a violation to one of the parts. But this part can nevertheless feel a need to keep the individual who makes him (her) frightened, keep her (him) in his (her) grip in different manners (be attracted AND afraid). At the same time as this person fears she (he) is going to get too near he (she) can try to create, and maintain, a dependence relation, yes, even a sort of property relation with the one he (she) is fearing, through different manoeuvres, explicit or implicit, subtle and less subtle. For example about what is possible (and allowed) to speak of, and what not. Even concerning things that are important for one of the parts (the private/personal life, a passion, even that person’s work etc.).

Where the one kept is stifled in many different ways (both subtly and less subtly, but where the mechanisms perhaps aren’t clear for either part in what is happening, where the parts are confused over what’s happening, or at least one of them), and thus more and more limited and restricted, in all those traits that perhaps originally was attracting? Maybe liveliness that attracted?

Measures are taken which shall prevent an engagement that inspires to fear. Through this process the other is held on distance, between boundaries that feel safe. Through suffocating the other and at the same time demanding that the other shall be at ones disposal. But a controlled disposal, that isn’t frightening.

In a pair relation (love, friend etc.) which functions "normally" there “has” to be a mutual narcissistic confirmation (Marie-France Hirigoyen writes at page 30-31). But a pair driven by a perverse narcissism constitutes a deadly union; the degradation and attacks in the hidden, secret then becomes systematic.

The process is only possible with one part’s too great tolerance. But it isn't sure both agree to who has shown and is showing the greatest tolerance (or who is the most "tolerant", sensitive/insensitive, self-occupied/less self-occupied). Or do both (always) think in those terms (labeling the other)?

It can be about approval of a role as the caring about the other parts narcissism, a sort of mission where she (or he) has to sacrifice herself (himself).

And never the two meet... Sometimes even very sad - and tragic. To all involved. Not only to one of the two but both (all involved, if more people are involved).

PS. And with a sigh, I AM long winded, and I use question marks after statements, because I am wondering about things, not bomb-proof on things, testing thoughts, searching myself forward (onward?)...

Earlier postings under the labels empathy deficit, EQ and SQ. And I don't say I don't suffer from empathy deficits, or that I have any EQ and SQ to speak of... A totally hopeless case? More than people in general? Unable to teach, how much I even work and try and read?

I wouldn't quote a friend who was saying stupid, lousy things, but a friend saying good things, things I think more people ought to hear (if they should read what I write). Not link to a friend saying, writing stupid things. Maybe mention things I react against, if other people (than friends and people I respect) write stupid things (stupid in my mind, feelings, thoughts).

Addition in the evening: I got some books with the mail today. One was "Nystart i livet - hitta tillbaka till livsglädjen efter utbrändhet" by a Madeleine Åsbrink (her home site in Swedish). Translated a little freely it would be "Starting anew - finding the joy of living again after a burnout" (the other book was one about Lev Vygotsky). See this article in a Swedish newspaper, Aftonbladet.

At page 19 in the first book it stands, also this a little freely translated:

"I look myself around and see that there aren't many (role) models [there are very few successful, 'perfect' relations?]. In most cases one wants more in a relation than the other. This makes nearness impossible, a nearness we are all longing for but many times are unconsciously afraid of."

At page 20 she writes:

"I think many people clench their teeth and try with showing a facade that isn't true or genuine [the hypocrisy was worse 40-50 years ago though? Then one clenched the teeth even more?]. This work [with clenching and clenching our teeth] only drain our power and strength and doesn't lead to any changes [we have no power for these, or much less power for them?]."

I have many tired women (young and old) around me.

We have done an evaluation with the group I am one of the responsible for. On the last meeting yesterday we spoke about what the students have written. They want to make a journey of some kind as a kickoff this fall when we start again, to learn to know each other and especially the new ones.

With a smile I couldn't help saying:

"And I know who answered what, and it is the 'social' girls wanting this!"

They boys (in general) doesn't care really about those things. This is also something stress research has found; that women (in general) care (more) about the atmosphere at work (than men in general) and as the atmosphere and stress has become worse the last 15 years (economic steel bath and slimmed organizations) this has become another burden for women.