Responsibility...

on my bike ride before lunch I suddenly sensed the fragrance of Bird Cherries (hägg), but couldn't see the tree.

What is my responsibility concerning other people/human beings? What is my responsibility in protecting other grown ups?

It stood about this in the book I referred to in an earlier posting (the addition in the end) "Nystart i livet - hitta tillbaka till livsglädjen efter utbrändhet" or "Starting anew - finding the joy of living again after a burnout” * and it got stuck.

Now there was a readers’ letter at Miller’s web on these things too; how to protect other clients from a bad, harming therapist one has had a person wondered.

I came to think of what Helga writes in “Paths of Life.” For a long time Helga was tormented by the thought that she had recommended her therapist to colleagues. Then she believed in her (male) therapist’s integrity as strongly as they did now. During the meantime she had got to know that in this “sect” there were women who had been caught in the trap for years without realising this, tragically.

Now she wrote to Michelle, her friend that she thought this man’s followers, admirers and victims choose what they HAVE to choose because of their life history. She stopped feeling responsible for their future when she became aware of that she saw the small Helga in them, the small girl who wanted to love her mother to whatever prize but who couldn’t see her own situation through, because nobody had assisted her.

It was this little Helga she wanted to help when she engaged herself in discussions with a Barbara and other dependent.

No she could dissolve this “self-transference,” because now she wasn’t alone any more. She had the contact with her new therapist, Brigit and now also Michelle. And she through Michelle’s mere presence had helped her showing her feelings, and not hide any more in loneliness, but entrust herself to people whom wanted her best. As a child she had no choices. But today she has.

Miller thinks that a human being who has survived the childhood’s oppression consciously would hardly flee to a power position. If she has integrated his/her experiences he/she can liberate herself from compulsions and meet her/his partner and friends in an open communication. And if not she/he can’t.

I think I will come back to this topic, later. Maybe soon. :-)

Addition: Pia Mellody writes about this too?? **

* Madeleine Åsbrink has five advices on how to create balance in ones life:

1. Respect your boundaries (my addition: if you know them, or are aware of them at all), say NO when needed (my addition: if you know when you are entitled to this that is?).
2. Take responsibility for yourself, and let others take responsibility for themselves (yes, sometimes, or more often than we believe, we should let others take responsibility for themselves?).
3. Give because you want to, not for that you want to get something back.
4. Life isn’t something you shall “manage”. Have fun and enjoy all the great, fantastic, good in life (my addition: if you can and if you see the good and if it exists in your life).
5. Relations are of vital importance. Surround yourself with people you like and who make you feel good. Dare to show your vulnerability and ask for help.

** Yes, according to Jenson (page 20 in the Swedish edition of her book) dysfunctional behaviours are for instance exaggerated responsible taking often connected with exaggerated control(ling) (of others)?

When we are worried over if a grown up family-member is going to remember making an important thing and we remind her/him about it (without having been asked doing so).

When we continue to worry about a problem after having done all we can about it (particularly if it is another person’s problem) we are compulsory (?).

See Jane again (here, here and here) about refusing to take a responsibility that isn’t hers. But I wonder how "natural" and "genuine" and really constructive this becomes, if you are told doing this from outside so to say, by a therapist for instance... Without needing to understand or explain why you have those problems, inabilities, needs.

And I think Jenson is right when she says something in the style that if you unconsciously rewrite your history the failure will become inevitable. I.e., you can make an interpretation, maybe very intelligent, but it maybe wasn't quite like this, but in a way you couldn't think of or imagine. Or what you thought out was only a part of the truth? And maybe not the most important, or how I shall express this?

Irresponsibility is something else? Because of course we can behave irresponsibly? And many of us do. Yes, we can also refuse taking a responsibility we SHOULD take? Thinking loudly here...

See earlier posting with the label "responsible taking/being irresponsible."