Early unmet needs…

Before I take a bike ride: trying to fill our early, unmet needs will always cause problems, bigger and smaller.

And this is true for therapists too! They should want to work on these things? They should have done during their training, and not only on an intellectual level. Should have got proper help doing this. So they don’t play these out unconsciously.

Miller writes about therapists who have come to terms with conscious manipulation, however (but how many don’t use conscious manipulation and are aware of it and admitting to it maybe only to themselves, yet reluctantly?). Yes, she is writing quite a lot about this (ucoscious manipulation) in the revised version of "The Drama..." or "Det självutplånande barnet..."

Who cause most harm? The ones entirely denying they are playing their early things out (or are denying there are any early things to be played out), or the ones yet reluctantly are admitting that they maybe are playing their unmet needs out, if not consciously so unconsciously? And would want to deal with this. Who hasn't got proper help though... But have to struggle on their own. And make mistakes during this journey, harming both others and themselves, more or less severely. Maybe not noticing it until afterwards?

I think I want to explore this once again, and even more.

I wonder if there are any Lilies of the Valley yet? It has been so many warm days, so maybe?

Addition: I need to remind myself, and I think these things can't become repeated too much. Miller writes that abused grown ups can use protection laws if they are abused, so long as they aren’t paralysed by suppressed pain and thus prevented from protecting themselves.

We are born with the right to be feeling and conscious human beings and to develop as such. To survive, but only at the prize of a complete consciousness, wasn’t the natural goal for our lives – it was a necessity, a consequence of our tragic destiny. To find our way out of this drama we need to be aware of this.

Therapists’ manipulations can only continue so long as the child’s fear is left inside the patient and prevents him/her from seeing his/her actual chances today.

You can’t fight the hatred with arguments, one has to realise their origins and use tools/instruments which make it possible to dissolve the hatred.

When one at last has felt/experienced the hatred and understood that it was justified, then it gets dissolved.

Jenson thinks that one of the serious consequences of the necessary and constant, perpetual suppression is the distortion of the conscious which is the result and which we are forced to. With other words, an innate human ability is damaged – namely to process experiences.

When we start to becoming aware of and realising how some traditional ways of handling children as a matter of fact is violating them, it’s important to start changing these behaviours, based on this insight – but first and foremost we need to become aware of what we ourselves experienced as abuse in our family of origin, to avoid passing this further (but it s no excuse for what we do or say, only an explanation). The more we process these things and liberate us from pain and losses; we automatically take care of and understand our kids.

The more we liberate us from the suppressions which are protecting us from the pain from our own childhoods, the easier it becomes for us avoiding behaving in ways that harm our children (and other people, especially those in our power) without knowing it.

Jenson writes at page 50 in her book the Swedish edition) that children who have grown up in a false hope can believe that it is justified that they are treated badly, that they deserve it because they aren’t good enough. These children, most often girls, will grow up to adults with a low self esteem who can’t pose boundaries or even realize that they are badly treated, but continue to struggle becoming “better.” Trials in changing through learning how to pose boundaries or through participating in self confidence training won’t lead to any noticeable results until one succeed to remove the original obstacle, impediment for what shouldn’t become conscious and felt during childhood, so one shouldn’t perceive or discover and experience the original pain.

Other children, usually boys, make themselves insensitive to all feelings on the whole so they believe they can’t get hurt by anything their parents do, by denying they have any needs or by believing they have a power they don't have (or don't need later as grown ups). They grow up to adults with emotionally weak reactions, who can’t be really near people whom are important for them Getting in contact with their “manliness” through playing drums (furiously) or even through allowing themselves roaring of anger and crying in despair can be a starting point – but if they aren’t confronted (in some way) with the original experiences which demanded that they became emotionally dead no real healing will take place.

Jenson also thinks that we can’t get to the root with problems through aiming at changing fruitless adult behaviours. She thinks that this root lies hidden or concealed under the unconscious impediment which stands between us and the consciousness about old experiences of violations and abuse from childhood.