Working with young people...

Six of our students from the Higher Music Course had master-class with the violinist Nilla Pierrou on Saturday. I asked a male colleague (who lives in the same village as she does now and who has played a little with her) how she was. He immediately and very spontaneously said that he didn't think she would function with music-school-pupils!! But maybe with these pupils, who have come a little further. And this colleague is usually very taciturn, doesn't say much! But when he says something one listen and this came so spontaneously and directly so I really took him on his words.

Pierrou is fonder of this Academy in Belgium, the Andre Gertler Violin Academy and she plays (and owns) a Guarnieri one of my colleagues said yesterday! Now she has returned to Sweden and lives here. Has built a house here. I saw pictures from it. I wonder if it was a timber-house??

Yes, she was hard (tough) with the students! But not too hard it sounded!?? They were satisfied with the day?

And I need nourishment too I think! In my work too!! Giving and giving all day long, and supporting young people. I have over 50 pupils and students each week... I want to keep my own playing going because it means so much... And I need to practice to keep it going too...

But I am interested in a lot of other things too... I have to prioritize... And choose. I should need a house-keeper, servant or butler!! Because there is a private life too, a home to "have in some order", bills to pay, a car to serve etc.

My whole working-life I have tried to live up to other people's demands, wishes etc. tried to satisfy all and everyone... I probably still do... Tried to do what is the right thing, what one shall... But one can't comprise or extend over everything!? I need to answer to what I feel for and want to, at least privately!

And I have a colleague, a male, now round 35 years, who has very, very clear and/or "strict" ideas about what music he likes and definitely don't like!!! And he isn't secret about this! He doesn't hide it. And he stands out among almost 40 people on this working-place! He hates folk-music (Swedish) for instance...

And I am still tired... But going on writing, hmmm, yes, after all... A lot to process, here and there??

PS. Hmmm, am afraid of being taken seriously and seen as an authority, as an equal? Mom actually reminded me (or herself?) this morning in a phone-call (not on this topics though) that my first teacher in school said "k, is talented!" This teacher must have worked over 40 years and seen a lot of young people during all those years... Mom got surprised then I think? She didn't think in those paths at all, but had noticed that I spoke early, used a lot of difficult words (!!); that she had got a bunch of talented kids?? And dad didn't either!? Did he even notice he had a lot of cute kids?? But he boasted over us (me). And I didn't like that at all, felt very uncomfortable with it, and wanted to disappear. Have I hidden my light under a bushel? Not wanting to be seen? But, yes, maybe I have talents above average in quite a few things? But did those sides get exploited, why I have so mixed feelings about them - and doubts too? I want to be seen as the one I am as person... Likable, lovable? A human being who is caring and trying her best, but not doing everything perfectly? Usually I can laugh when I miss things... And become a bit red too... Or really, really blushing red!!?? To this comes my impatience, spontaneity. Yes, I think not only my family see me like this! When we were out walking, trying to find the place where we should have seminars this fall (during two days with all music-school teachers in this region), I couldn't help sighing very loudly: "But aren't we there soon!??" or something. I didn't really realize people behind heard what I said (we were a real queue, walking there two and three together), and heard an immediate laugh, amused, from my female boss! As if it sounded so funny, the loud and spontaneous sigh which really came from the heart. I who am out walking and going for bike-tours!!! So it couldn't be that! But I was walking in boots and clothes that weren't especially comfortable for this unexpectedly long walk. :-)
And I use to do a lot on my own??? Figuring things out on my own with all what that means (it would be easier and be more right with help?? If I asked, and asked much more. From where has this pattern come?? I have my ideas...). It was like that in school too!?? And this pattern I have taken with me into adult life?
Women were a threat to dad? Especially intelligent, independent, strong women were threatening? (I happened to read something, which felt quite powerful, that triggered a lot of emotions and feelings. Written by another woman, 5-6 years older than I am?).