A break...

I am probably going to take a break from writing here... (despite all I would like to let out?).

---

There was a man thinking (in fact, didn't he behave as a real bully?? Honestly? Doesn't he allow men things he can't accept in women? Or in some women at least?) the mother should have protected her children. Yes, she should probably have done that! But does this grant the father discharge?? He has no responsibility for how it is in the family, between family-members, for protecting his children (maybe even from their mother!!)?? And protecting both sons and daughters as much (why must I point this out always?? That I am not thinking only of women and seeing their point of view only!!?? If I don't mention men, sons, boys then this mean I don't care about them?? Maybe I am unfair again: but are there similar demands on men seeing both points of views? Noone shall even supect I, a woman am egoistic?? Yes, and maybe I am the only exception?? Oh, does this matter?? What do I loose on this? Nothing I think, so...).

Are men granted discharges as little as women are? Don’t we all have the same responsibilities for our children and for ourselves??

Are we after all small children in a sandpit??

Maybe it isn’t like this in all families, and maybe in no other family than in my family of origin, but my brothers/the sons were. and still are, allowed behaviors that are totally out of question for us sisters/daughters (and the opposite too: daughters allowed things sons aren't. See below)! Of course one can blame the mom for this!! And maybe shall (yes, the child then should have been furios!!??). But the dad then??? (was it evenmore forbidden, or maybe dangerous, to get furios at him and question him? Because he was stronger, much stronger, as men usually are! And, yes, of course there are exceptions here!!). Didn’t he have any responsibility at all?? For seeing so ALL his children were treated with the same respect and alike? And that the demands were as big or small on ALL his children? Maybe he should have protected both daughters and sons, and older and younger children against each other?

With risk of being enormously unfair: but sisters/daughter/women seem to be shit!!! Real SHIT!!! (or either angels/madonnas or shit/whores? With a deep sigh). And/but I am definitely NOT responsible for what a mother has done to her son. I am only responsible for what I myself have done to this (probably) grown up man. Not less and not more!

To be really honest, when I took a bike-ride now just before dusk (and it was a very nice spring-evening) I just wanted to cry. Cry and cry and cry. Didn’t want to meet a single person, but of course I DID!! More people than I use to (at least it felt so, but I think I did in fact).

A side-track: I am no angel, but I am definitely not mean! I think!!

When I came out I met a neighbour, a man who has done heart-surgery, and asked how it was, “caring”, interested, smiling… But felt when I stood there more and more that soon I start to cry! Now I have to go! So I started to walk to my bike…

I have got a lot of appreciation this week for what I do and how (I hope for the one I am too, not least), but I don’t give a damn about it!!! (and working hard for it?) Don’t I? Yes, I do!!??

Apreciation for my musicality… (and I don't want to be liked or loved for this! Or maybe for this too?? Because what I do is also me, but not the whole of me?). Am I allowed to be glad and proud for this (to I have to gt permission for this. Looks so!?)? But I got a bit tired over this too, and my smile got stiffer and stiffer, as a mask.

And what am I doing: trying to assure myself that I am something worth? That I have something to come with or contribute with (and if I don't contribute a lot..., even enormously, working hard)? There isn’t so much more with me to like? Without this I would be noone?

I don’t want to be “anyone”! I just want to… Yes, what do I want? How shall I express this? Oh, I don’t know…

Yes, you need to be perfect?? If you aren't then... You won't be liked, accepted and least of all loved?

Alice Miller in a reply to a reader:

“YES, we can say this without any hesitation. Every behavior that is
directed against the health of a person and hinders the healthy functioning of
the body and mind is a repetition of once endured mistreatment, neglect,
confusion, lies, betrayal, perverted practices and the exploitation of the child
used as a scapegoat.”