Seeing things as wrong...

Some thoughts I have had or gotten recently… About therapy. About being allowed to question and see as wrong.

On a walk (or a couple of walks) I came to think: If the therapist listens to his/her client smiling when the client narrates what she/he has experienced… (what message does this therapist forward? That he/she doesn't believe what the clients says, doesn't see it as serious, minimizing and belittling the experience? And maybe that's also whathe/she ruly feels: what is this to make fuss about!!) What effect does that have on the client? Does that allow the client to realize/recognize what he/she was exposed to??

And how is this client then supposed to react towards others, for instance those under him/her in power (own and others children for instance)?? What sort of understanding does this client get? Of what is actually damaging and harmful – and painful??

Miller writes about successful group-therapy with fathers accused for incest. How these (some, not all) realized what they had done (the life-long harm to the ones they had sexually abused) when they were allowed to question and see as wrong what they had been exposed to themselves. And also to a certain degree emotionally caught this!

But there are other forms of abuse too: subtler, as emotional abuse... Which is even more belittled and minimized, but damaging too (maybe more damaging than we believe)! And making us more or less insensitive to others and ourselves!?

But he therapist mentioned above really minimized this form of abuse?? What was that? Nothing to him?? And what about possible other forms of abuse under the emotional (disrespect)?? As sexual abuse (even if it was "only" about improper touching??). Or not even about spanking the child?? He diminished all these things? Didn't he? The grown up child's fantasies etc.??

A client maybe struggling to see and wanting to avoid hurting or damaging others…I get so upset thinking about this.

How is this client supposed to be sensitive to others, to others suffering etc.? Especially young people, still powerless and helpless and dependent to different degrees…

I also came to think about ability and willingness to develop as human being, to learn… Becoming a little more mature by the years…

Are some forced to become? Others less forced?

How many are actually prepared to change and to “learn” or develop?? Or maybe even wanting to change? Maybe it’s more the latter? Wanting to, even if the success is small, of different reasons? What can one see between ones fingers with? And what less maybe?

Now I am thinking more generally, but also more specifically, about a former boss, who has gone from job to job, all highly qualified… That about realizing ones limits… Some are told they ought to realize their limits, and not take a lot of work on them for instance… Who are told the former and who are told the latter? Some just have to, but others don’t have to??

“No wonder you get angry!!”

a female physician and gestalt-therapist said…

“What? Am I allowed to get angry??? To react??”

Yes, it so it is or can be:

"What? Am I allowed to get angry? Are there reasons to get angry? To question and see as wrong?? Is there nothing wrong in me because I am reacting?"

And it should be like this in therapy, when a client talks about his/her early experiences, even more concerning them, than in actual events?? Not that actual events should become diminished or belittled (oh, my fantastic English).

I know of a woman telling her therapist (a male therapist) how her parents behaved, how it was earliest in life; with a dad coming home pouring out his frustration and anger at the family, being irritated, with no patience and a very short fuse (stubin)… The therapist just smiled, showed no indignation… This was nothing to talk about?? No damage done? This didn’t hurt or damage the child?? Or was this client fantasizing? Making a hen of a feather or?? Was/is it:

“But you know, he had it tough at work!! You know he had his things (it wasn't so fun when he grew up) in his backpack!!”

No, the child didn’t understand this!!!?? Observe the irony, because I think that’s exactly what a child can “understand”, and put her/his own back…

Despite this father acted his things out, he didn’t get healed!!?? By symbolically reacting his out, at children and wife (human beings who had nothing to do with his early history) it didn’t make him less angry…

Symbolically reacting things out doesn’t heal. Yes, I think Miller is right there. How does one do then?

Can this anger (or the milder expression inform of irritation) be a way of avoiding the pain and thus the truth?? Giving the one pouring out his/her anger a sense of strength and powerfulness?? Giving her/him power? Does he/she need this power and strength in this circumstance (yes, maybe)? Does he/she need to exercise and demonstrate this power? Does he demonstrate his/her power against the ones he/she ought to demonstrate it against and protect her/him against??

Yes, I think Jenson is right: if you are (unconsciously) rewriting your history the failure is unavoidable.

How many misunderstandings and misinterpretations does this cause??

Blaming and accusing oneself is also a defense... Protecting oneself against an even greater pain? But it isn't just to start behaving differently (but you can't use this as an excuse either for not doing anything?). Maybe you succeed doing this though, changing your behavior I mean, but it doesn't automatically change your feelings, reactions etc. If it feels as if nothing has changed actually despite all you know you should do - and not do, despite how enlightened you even are, how strong your will even is, it's because no real integration has occurred?? Due to lack of proper help or because you were so harmed so this work is so difficult...

And no, you can't solve this with your intellect or with intelligence!? But understanding, cognitively knowing/understanding isn't bad, maybe an important first step? But yes, intellect and intelligence can block too?

And the client above: did this make her seeing things even better?? Did she really dare to see her therapist trough? Is a more harmed client more caught in such therapy? More unable to believe what she sees, hear, senses? The less harmed (and thus less needy!!!) can leave more easily? Dare to question such a therapist? And leave him.

Staying in such a therapy, what does this mean? Maybe for many years? Years have been spoiled and things have been sacrificed? The sacrifices have been added with more sacrifices?? Where she should have gotten (and expected) to get help...

And a therapist behaving like this, smiling (of what reason) is revictimizing his client??? He behaved disrespectfully?

I also saw these words now when I was searching about other things: integrity violations... Because that's what disrespect is about?

It is very painful thinking that despite all knowledge one has probably behaved disrespectfully without seeing or knowing it??

How was it Freyd wrote about removing blinders, becoming connected?

Thinking further in the shower: Treating your child disrespectfully is playing your in the hands of abusers later in life! And/or making them to abusers of different degrees??

And knowledge isn't enough. I came to think of the father reacting at how his father ones treated him (and his siblings), shouting to his/them i front of others, the humiliation this caused... But he exposed his own children for the same/similar things... So, no, knowledge isn't enough...

You have to process this in a certain way for not passing this further!? Being allowed to see it as wrong and question the whole behavior: had I as child given the parent (other grown up/person) reasons to treat me like this? If so: what reason? The punisher should be able to tell for what and why he/she punishes??? Shouldn't he/she? And it is a question of not belittling or minimizing what as (is) done?? But we have tendencies doing this: I deserved it! It doesn't matter? That was then! etc. Denying the truth!? We probably do in a lot of ways??? More than we are aware of!? With what follows... I probably do too... But as grown ups we can always communicate things?? Try the best we can to do that??

Do I have a flu in the body? Not breaking out? Think if one could go to bed and draw a blanket over oneself... Do nothing... Can a blind lead a blind? Am I very self-occupied? And that is absolutely forbidden??