Madeleine Åsbrink writes in her book (see earlier postings, here and here) how she made her and her husband move from Stockholm (a small town compared to the really big cities in the world! :-)) to a part of Sweden where it was cheaper living, where they maybe could experience some calm and peace - at the country-side. She was a high-achieving individual, had worked for many years already as engineer (college, a 4-year education?). More or less aware of it she wanted to change her life. She had already started seeking, by reading books on "spiritual" topics.
But her husband wasn’t satisfied in their new home (he hadn't communicated this either?), their relation slowly got worse. She writes that there was no safety, tenderness or nearness in their relation. She didn’t question it but continued struggling. Later she understood that she hadn’t experienced much of this in the family where she grew up, so she had no frames of reference and nothing to compare with in this respect. She, as we say “gillade läget” or “approved of, or ‘liked’, her position,” and continued struggling.
She thinks she had no good model for how a family-life or relation should (or could) be, even though she felt somewhere that this was wrong. She started to think on divorce.
One night when she laid their cogitating (grubblande) over her relation she got a thought and without reflecting over it and its meaning she suddenly heard herself saying: “You behave like an egoistic pig, one could believe you have another (woman)!”
Her husband didn’t say a word. She got silent too. And the world stopped. Then all of a sudden she realized the truth there in the bed. She was right. Her husband had an affair with another woman.
She writes that at that moment she lost herself. She let herself down. She let her son down. She wasn’t armed for this quite simply. She had an enormous outer strength, but not the inner which had been needed to handle this message better than she did.
She thought it was her fault that her husband had got in love with another woman (and also followed that feeling by having a love-affair with her) and let both her and their son down. She shut her feelings off and now her life became about unraveling what SHE had done. Her husband blamed her and they found a lousy therapist taking side with her husband and saying that it wasn’t strange her husband had got tired on her and all her nagging, as if that should justify treachery (svek) and unfaithfulness (infidelity) she writes.
When she calls her mom to tell her what had happened she starts by saying that now her mother will be disappointed with her. Afterwards she wonders how her mom could become disappointed on her for something her husband had done! At that point she hadn’t realized yet that it’s impossible to take responsibility for another human being (and her/his actions, what/she says and does?), that the only real responsibility as each of us have is for ourself. And now she thought that it was this sole responsibility she didn’t take then.
To unravel what she had done they decided to move back to Stockholm.
In parallel with full time work and now two kids she started to retrain herself to Rosen therapist (writing this I have to add that by mentioning it I don't advocate Rosen-therapy though; can't this therapy be manipulative too, depending on who's performing it? There are reasons being careful when one seeks help! How attractive the therapy even looks or sounds).
She clenches her teeth and works on. Of course she ends up in a breakdown, with a total exhaustion. And has to work herself up from the bottom really.
She blamed herself. Her husband blamed her. And their therapist blamed her.
On my bike ride yesterday afternoon I came to think of the Swedish director Ingmar Bergman who has written in one of his books that when he saw his pregnant wife and her eyes filled with sorrow and despair (pregnant with their fourth child, or third and fourth child, a twin-couple?) there in their double-bed when he had come home an evening or night telling her that he had a new woman, he decided to skip all guilt feelings. They were so (too) painful?? And Ingmar Bergman wanted to have his women for himself, not share them with any kids, neither own nor his women’s… His mother had held her kids very tight, instilling guilt and shame in them I get the impression after having read her diary and what others have narrated. As their father, the Lutheran priest did (see earlier postings on Ingmar Bergman here and here), who also beat his kids bloody and threatened them with the hell (and probably was burn-out a couple of times, he in turn with extremely high demands on himself, not being good enough to his parents in law either. Phew!!).
I have grown up with a mom thinking our female way of reacting, (over)sensitively, is worse than men’s power and capacity (in general) to let things run off them (as water on a goose) as we say. But if we as girls/women behaved in this way, how would that have been met? Would the environment have seen through their fingers with that? Men/boys were (and still are?) allowed this to many parents and grown ups between too? So we are taught very early to be overly responsible or the opposite? Or the latter adult reacts against those high demands (as Bergman did)? And it is true that men also take too much responsibility generally or in some circumstances! But when a woman does we are not allowing it in the same manner?
Men are a (the) superior sex, that's what I grew up with (or both looked up AND down on to be honest)? Women and girls are less worth as human beings (in all however). No wonder all ones struggles? And believes one isn't worth a nickel... (hopefully this is A LITTLE better). Having to work much too hard to earn the right living and existing, having food on the table, somewhere to live, an own car etc. etc. Yes, there ARE grains of truth in these feelings, that I feel so is no joke honestly (and maybe sad to say)! Striving to be good enough.
The Dutch therapist Ingeborg Bosch talks about a defence she calls the Primary defence, which is about blaming oneself. She thinks we all use this, but all don’t admit to it, neither to themselves nor to the environment (some are more in denial about this? Some deny they have any such feelings both to themselves AND to the environment). Women tend to be more prone admitting to it, men less.
Bosch writes somewhere that this tendency in some, more or less obvious can be very convenient for the environment. If someone is prone to blaming her/himself. And the environment can at the same time react with contempt over this person:
“Do you always have to…!!!”
When we react in that way we don’t want to admit to ourselves our own low self esteem? How we are blaming ourselves? We don’t want to admit to our own vulnerability? Don’t want to get in touch with feelings of powerlessness and helplessness underneath? Not get in touch with suppressed feelings from early, when we WERE power and helpless?
To come back to Åsbrink above. Her decision to go to technical college wasn’t her wish, but her father’s she realized. But she was very clever and efficient in that work and very much appreciated in her work. Earned A LOT OF money.
But she paid a high price for her struggles to live up to demands and get loved.
Her husband wanted to develop to, and also entered therapy of some kind, and with a ot of struggles and efforts they managed staying married in a much better marriage. But the path there was hard and tough she writes. Very, very tough in fact.
Hmmm, men are often (or was even more before) treated as they were kids and not grown up men? With no capacity taking responsibility??
“You know how he is…!! But he loves you anyway!”
Oh yeah, that’s what “love” is??? A pure lie? Even though the mom was "convinced" there was "love"? What she in turn had learned about love and had to believe in? Passing these confused and confusing ideas further to her kids (and probably not begrudging her kids other experiences either to be honest).
No wonder kids grow up confused about what love and this and that is (quite ironically)…
The responsibility lies entirely on ones shoulders? Don’t both (and all) parts have responsibility? And the same responsibility too? Shouldn’t both?
But if nothing (or very little) happens, shall one continue beating ones head bloody? In a false hope changing something tat isn’t possible to change? Re-enacting something that wasn’t possible to achieve then – the too painful realization that love didn’t exist (or the degree to what it didn’t exist)?
On my other blog I have blogged about "Charity and gratitude..." (in Swedish). Yes, what one grew up with? Being grateful, bowing ones head, being ashamed, feeling lousy etc.?
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