Käbi and Ingmar - in the name of love...

From a review on Käbi Laretei's last book about her marriage and love affair with Ingmar Bergman you can read:

”Käbi Laretei writes insightfully about her relation with Ingmar Bergman.“

The title of the book would be something in the style “Where did all this love disappear?”

“In the foreword Käbi Laretei gives a brief afterward perspective (where she with touching empathy tells about a couple of visits 2007 to the dying Ingmar Bergman).

As to the rest this fragmentary but nevertheless suggestive book is based on chronologically lined up letters between the lovers, and some extracts from a diary Käbi Laretei seems to have written in secrecy (reminding about Ingmar Bergman's mother, who also wrote a diary in secrecy about her problems living together with the strict father).

Käbi Laretei stands out as a clear-sighted and reflecting human being, where the difficulties combining art (piano-playing) and married life in many respects resemble Ingmar Bergman's.

Even though those two artist natures immediately are drawn to each other and feel a deep attraction and kinship, one have a feeling already early – in both parts – more or less articulated trials to protect oneself from a too complete association (or fusion) with the other.

The marital troubles are there built-in from the first moment. More and more it stands out that Käbi and Ingmar are engulfed by each other – as if they paradoxically enough were suffocated by the love they both are longing for.

Time and again light is shed upon how Ingmar Bergman both is longing for and avoiding nearness.

Käbi Laretei writes motherly in one of her letters: 'My little son, have confidence, assurance (??), patience – you have it in your art, also have it in love.' Ingmar Bergman replies with describing his demons and his struggle to get rid of them.”

Käbi Laretei was my piano-teacher for four years in all... She stimulated my intellectual interests (whether you notice it or not). Käbi mentions Alice Miller in one of her books!!! I wonder if her son with Bergman, Daniel, introduced Miller to her??

Eating problems...

Struck me about disturbed contact with signals about hunger, in both directions so to say... A person in the nearest family said she could go a whole day without thinking she ought to eat something.

My thoughts: Either you discover late in the day that you haven't eaten, or you don't feel the signals telling you that you have eaten enough and you overeat.

Meaning that you can be insensitive to signals in both directions so to say! You adopt either one of these “attitudes.”

I think this has to do with things that probably dates back to very early in childhood connected to eating. Traumas around eating the maybe VERY small baby was exposed to and maybe also connected to experiences adding up to these earliest experiences later in childhood and further when you grew up.

But people don't have to be doomed because of these things, so long as the surrounding later doesn't deny the roots to those problems (and moralize over it) and the person in question gets help processing and not deny the problem and its possible roots...

Anna-Luise Kirkengen has written about what sexual abuse can lead to in this respect, if I remember right (I haven't her books here now).

And I think forcing a spoon (or other "things") into a baby's mouth can cause troubles later for that child (things we don't/can't connect to early experiences like these, because we can't imagine such things could occur, and definitely not occur from people who ought to love the small baby most of all).Maybe such things occur more often than we believe???

So moralizing over peoples' troubles with eating and how they look is - what? Contempt for weakness! Unemphatic. Conditional love if it comes from a parent towards a child (honestly lack of love actually!!!!). Maybe even added abuse??

See about the ACE-study and its origin.

Over and under valuation of oneself and the effects of this – societal and individual recovery...

Eurovision song contest winner 2009, a music-piece three students and I performed for a Rotary-club on their lunch-meeting on Thursday. Struck me: how would the Dutch therapist Ingeborg Bosch interpret those lyrics?

Fairytale

Years ago when I was younger
I kinda’ liked a girl I knew.
She was mine, and we were sweethearts,
That was then, but then it’s true

I’m in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts.
‘Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed

Every day we started fighting,
Every night we fell in love.
No one else could make me sadder,
But no one else could lift me high above

I don’t know what I was doing
But suddenly we fell apart.
Nowadays I cannot find her.
But when I do we’ll get a brand new start

I’m in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts.
Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed

She’s a fairytale
Yeah
Even though it hurts.
Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed

[Slightly updated and edited during the day]. Some morning reflections... Loudly thinking, rambling...

Over and under valuation of oneself are two sides of the same coin? I came to think about this when I had written another blogposting on wages. On VERY HIGH and VERY LOW wages and the limited stimulating effect I think they have on those persons' achievements at work, about an blind faith (over belief) in the stimualting effect of wages and earning; when it comes to certain levels (in both ends) people don't make a better job (do we with more moderate earnings make less good jobs than those paid a hunderd times more).

Some have so limitless and bottomless needs because of early bad treatment and disrespect from their early caregivers (when it comes to a child's rightful and legitimate needs of deep respect for its feelings, its body, its boundaries, its integrity and good will and wish to love and become loved). And these losses can in some result in that they can never get enough of money, power etc. ( not getting those early needs filled is so painful for a child so it has to suppress its natural reaction to those things, and the later adult try to fill these needs in ways that harm themselves and other people, more the more power they have or get, so long as the person in question is in no or little contact with these things).

And other people who were treated badly early in their lives think they aren't worth a penny, not even worth a decent living maybe (they have to earn their whole living and right to exist in this world they can come to believe. And they can continue striving and struggling for this their whole life. If they should come to live on the street they would maybe think they don't deserve anything better).

The results of bad treatment are different in different people, probably depending on many different factors; on what sort of defense/s you (authomatically) used as a child, what role you were allotted by your caregivers etc. etc.

A child reflects the respect she or he got as a child. In respect or disrespect for her/himself and in her/his respect or disrespect for other people. I think. In if she/he thinks she/he is good enough as she/he is.

But a child doesn't chose defenses. Was it forced to adopt a certain role and thus certain defenses, attitudes?

And some people are stuck in denial and will never admit to what they have been through, and those persons are the most dangerous for other people? Those are the really dangerous people in this world?

And other people live in such conditions and circumstances so they are forced to do something, to process, or to founder. They have no other choice.

How do we see this in the society, what are the visble effects of this?

For instance that some never doubt that they have the rights to for instance their huge wages and an enormous power... And other people don't believe they deserve hardly anything. Are maybe even keeping silent of shame and don't raise their voices at all or ever.

We will probably never succeed in trying to enlighten the ones that never would doubt their rights.

Can we convince the ones under-valuating themselves either really? With this not said we shouldn't try!?

Can we continue calling state of affairs in the world in question? Both on a societal and a familial level (and a global)?AND point to the underlying factors, not least those earliest in life!??

And try to process our own experiences both as a child and as a later adult?

Probably an enormous struggle for many of us, and probably extremely painful. Many of us will probably only slightly touch upon the pain that our early caregivers' treatment and behavior caused.

Professionals ought to point at what maltreatment cause, and what maltreatment actually is! So we rather prevent it. Because it is so difficult to come to terms with later. Difficult, but possible with a lot of struggles. And some will only slightly recover. Some not at all, because they became so badly treated so they can't face the truth.

But it is as Miller says; if professionals should start doing this it would be to blame parents. And they are “afraid” of doing this, even because of personal reasons (standing up against their own parents and questioning what THEY did)? They are not only protecting parents in general, but not least their own parents? Or they are afraid of their own parents so they don't dare talking publicly about this, in a plain talk about those things.

They are so afraid for (the) punishment from their parents if they should dare to raise their voices, afraid even if those parents should happen to be dead and not actually capable of punishing them. Yes, we are all so afraid of our parents, to some degree!!?? Some very afraid and some not so much. But so many of us are that those topics are still so taboo to talk about!!!!???

But if people should start talking about those things much more openly in the society and stop denying those facts many people would recover from their abuse and wouldn't even need therapy. We aren't doomed. Even the most severely damaged have recovered. Even if we became harmed (and damaged) we CAN recover. But the best would be if we could prevent child abuse (of ALL kinds: physical, sexual, emotional) as much as possible. Because of all the efforts it takes to recover from it!!!!!!

Professionals ought to know this, they who are working with those (most) damaged poeople!!! And stop talking about that "each generation has to reclaim their own" (what? Life?).

Why aren't those against abortions fighting against (all sorts of) child abuse? Miller and the fourth commandment...

Quickly: struck me when I spoke with my boyfriend (who is a child advocate). Why aren't the champions against abortions fighting with the same spirit, time and energy against child abuse???

Why aren't they fighting for the children THAT ARE ACTUALLY BORN and thus living among us, and against how they are treated, for better treatment of them (even when it comes to subtle maltreatment)? Why aren't they fighting for children's rights in all???

Why is this?

Yes, why aren't they loud speaking advocates for the children that are living here and now?

Isn't this contradicting??? And quite moralistic undertone?

What did Jesus say about those who are without sin and throwing the first stone? What has Miller written about the fourth commandment?

In the society I am living in this isn't a big topic (why? But that's another posting maybe). I just started to wonder.

And, quietly, I think this with anti-abortion campaigns is quite hypocritical...

By the way: why do women become unintentionally pregnant? Why are they living promiscuously? Why do those women become pregnant who aren't promiscuous? Can it be because of earlier child abuse in their life-history?

See about teenager pregnancy... Something that this earlier blogposting is about.

Addition after lunch: Also read about 'the World Environment Day and equality/inequality' at the blog Equality trust.

See or listen to "Capitalism Hits the Fan - Richard Wolff on the Economic Meltdown." Read about it here.

Do we dare to see what we see? Is shock treatment needed for so called “helpers”...

[Updated during the day]. The Norwegian blogger Sigrun wrote about the biggest and most important conference on child abuse that has ever been held in Norway. From the newspaper, Tønsbergs Blad:

390 people in occupational groups (???) working with the youngest of us got the brutal reality presented for them during an eight hour long day. For many it was a tough awakening. Many times the audience was exhorted to look at the horror awakening pictures that rolled over the big viewing screen (they had to avert their gazes from what they saw? Didn't manage to look at it?).

When two doctors for forensic medicine showed pictures of abused children's corpses with big head and fracture damages one person fainted. A physician were sent for and they had to make a break in the program (also read here about Forensic medicine).

Many occupational groups need a massive awakening according to the Norwegian Children's Ombudsman Reidar Hjermann (also see here about him, those links are in Norwegian though). Not least family doctors need this.

At the same time he eulogized the big awakening among Norwegian dentists. They can capture children who have problems with having things in their mouth.

A dentist, specialist on pedodontics, came with powerful descriptions of how children have been victims for oral sexual abuse.

She said that 2006 35,000 Norwegian children didn't meet up to their appointments with their dentists, and only 7,000 gave an explanation.

“It's so important that we care!”

was her clear message.

“Do we dare to see when we see?”

was the, or a, background motto to this day.

Sigrun writes:

“It is this method occupational people ought to become exposed to too I have thought for many years.

I said to a psychologist I visited [as a client], that the ones treating [my addition and interpretation: psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists etc.] ought to become tied up to the chair and forced to look at child abuse on film.

Then they would maybe stop offending patients with

'It's not about how you have it, but about how you take it',

'All parents make their best',

'It's never too late to get a good childhood',

'It's only the vulnerable children that don't stand violence'

etc. [blaming the victim].”

How well said!!!

And maybe they would start to listen to clients telling them about abuse that never was visible too (humiliation, neglect, emotional and psychological abuse etc.)!? Listen to clients when they maybe after a long time start to recall and/or dare to tell about things.

Also read the posting "Here you have a stone" (more about the speech the Swedish author of childbooks Astrid Lindgren held when she received the German Bookseller's Prize 1978).

Addition at lunch-time: Also read the article about horrible ”Irish child abuse: The Ryan Report cover-up”. The report is avaible from here.