Eurovision song contest winner 2009, a music-piece three students and I performed for a Rotary-club on their lunch-meeting on Thursday. Struck me: how would the Dutch therapist Ingeborg Bosch interpret those lyrics?
Fairytale
Years ago when I was younger
I kinda’ liked a girl I knew.
She was mine, and we were sweethearts,
That was then, but then it’s true
I’m in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts.
‘Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed
Every day we started fighting,
Every night we fell in love.
No one else could make me sadder,
But no one else could lift me high above
I don’t know what I was doing
But suddenly we fell apart.
Nowadays I cannot find her.
But when I do we’ll get a brand new start
I’m in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts.
Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed
She’s a fairytale
Yeah
Even though it hurts.
Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed
[Slightly updated and edited during the day]. Some morning reflections... Loudly thinking, rambling...
Over and under valuation of oneself are two sides of the same coin? I came to think about this when I had written another blogposting on wages. On VERY HIGH and VERY LOW wages and the limited stimulating effect I think they have on those persons' achievements at work, about an blind faith (over belief) in the stimualting effect of wages and earning; when it comes to certain levels (in both ends) people don't make a better job (do we with more moderate earnings make less good jobs than those paid a hunderd times more).
Some have so limitless and bottomless needs because of early bad treatment and disrespect from their early caregivers (when it comes to a child's rightful and legitimate needs of deep respect for its feelings, its body, its boundaries, its integrity and good will and wish to love and become loved). And these losses can in some result in that they can never get enough of money, power etc. ( not getting those early needs filled is so painful for a child so it has to suppress its natural reaction to those things, and the later adult try to fill these needs in ways that harm themselves and other people, more the more power they have or get, so long as the person in question is in no or little contact with these things).
And other people who were treated badly early in their lives think they aren't worth a penny, not even worth a decent living maybe (they have to earn their whole living and right to exist in this world they can come to believe. And they can continue striving and struggling for this their whole life. If they should come to live on the street they would maybe think they don't deserve anything better).
The results of bad treatment are different in different people, probably depending on many different factors; on what sort of defense/s you (authomatically) used as a child, what role you were allotted by your caregivers etc. etc.
A child reflects the respect she or he got as a child. In respect or disrespect for her/himself and in her/his respect or disrespect for other people. I think. In if she/he thinks she/he is good enough as she/he is.
But a child doesn't chose defenses. Was it forced to adopt a certain role and thus certain defenses, attitudes?
And some people are stuck in denial and will never admit to what they have been through, and those persons are the most dangerous for other people? Those are the really dangerous people in this world?
And other people live in such conditions and circumstances so they are forced to do something, to process, or to founder. They have no other choice.
How do we see this in the society, what are the visble effects of this?
For instance that some never doubt that they have the rights to for instance their huge wages and an enormous power... And other people don't believe they deserve hardly anything. Are maybe even keeping silent of shame and don't raise their voices at all or ever.
We will probably never succeed in trying to enlighten the ones that never would doubt their rights.
Can we convince the ones under-valuating themselves either really? With this not said we shouldn't try!?
Can we continue calling state of affairs in the world in question? Both on a societal and a familial level (and a global)?AND point to the underlying factors, not least those earliest in life!??
And try to process our own experiences both as a child and as a later adult?
Probably an enormous struggle for many of us, and probably extremely painful. Many of us will probably only slightly touch upon the pain that our early caregivers' treatment and behavior caused.
Professionals ought to point at what maltreatment cause, and what maltreatment actually is! So we rather prevent it. Because it is so difficult to come to terms with later. Difficult, but possible with a lot of struggles. And some will only slightly recover. Some not at all, because they became so badly treated so they can't face the truth.
But it is as Miller says; if professionals should start doing this it would be to blame parents. And they are “afraid” of doing this, even because of personal reasons (standing up against their own parents and questioning what THEY did)? They are not only protecting parents in general, but not least their own parents? Or they are afraid of their own parents so they don't dare talking publicly about this, in a plain talk about those things.
They are so afraid for (the) punishment from their parents if they should dare to raise their voices, afraid even if those parents should happen to be dead and not actually capable of punishing them. Yes, we are all so afraid of our parents, to some degree!!?? Some very afraid and some not so much. But so many of us are that those topics are still so taboo to talk about!!!!???
But if people should start talking about those things much more openly in the society and stop denying those facts many people would recover from their abuse and wouldn't even need therapy. We aren't doomed. Even the most severely damaged have recovered. Even if we became harmed (and damaged) we CAN recover. But the best would be if we could prevent child abuse (of ALL kinds: physical, sexual, emotional) as much as possible. Because of all the efforts it takes to recover from it!!!!!!
Professionals ought to know this, they who are working with those (most) damaged poeople!!! And stop talking about that "each generation has to reclaim their own" (what? Life?).
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