In the magazine MåBra (or FeelWell) a woman wanted an advice and asked, the heading to the question was "Now I want to have children - but he doesn't":
“Since some time I live with a man older than I am. All the time he has been clear with that he can’t give me any children. He feels too old he thinks and has children since earlier.
I have been satisfied with that as I haven’t wanted any children either. But the last time my feelings have started to change. I love the man I live with and want to live with him, but the realisation I will never become mother has started to gnaw in me. However, I don’t dare to talk to him about this; it feels as if I desert him. What shall I do?”
The adviser answers, this is only part of the answer and true for other things too it felt:
“You have changed your mind about having children. Who knows, maybe he also has. If you don’t ask him you will perhaps never get to know. Explain to him how you feel and ask him how he feels confronted with your changed mind. And how he feels about the thought of getting children together.
You are failing him if you don’t tell him what you feel inside. Being honest, sincere and talking about your dreams, fears and other important things is not to desert, on the contrary. This is what brings one nearer, both nearer oneself and the other part in a relation.”
Yes, this is true for a lot of other things in a relation too? And - it is a VERY tricky thing? Many times one thinks one is very open and communicating everything, but one isn’t to that degree as one thinks?
Instead one interprets and imagines what the other part thinks, wants, and feels (or doesn't even reflect)? Mind reads, and the other part maybe also demands mind reading, i.e. that you shall know what he (she) feels, wants, thinks, how she (he) reacts etc.!? This causes misinterpretations and misunderstandings… And broken relations, both necessary and unnecessary…
Miller writes about the wish and/or quest for open, genuine communication (a longing which also contains fear, why it is so difficult?)…
The therapists Jenson and Bosch thinks there exists a defence they call False power denial of needs… By denying one has needs one gets a false sense of power, and if you have no needs you can't get hurt. The opposite/other side of the coin is that we never get close or near neither to ourselves (really) nor to other people? We never get real contact with our true selves?
But we have probably reasons not to open up… Afraid of showing our Achilles heals, maybe with good reasons sometimes too, but more seldom than we think and believe?
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