Morning reflections...

from Finlandia by Jean Sibelius.

What does Jenson say?

"If you unconsciously rewrite your history the failure is inevitable."

I think she is right... Trying to understand ones problems... Why analyzing leads to so little often? If it was so that it was something about understanding with ones brain then some wouldn't have any problems? Everything would have been solved long ago? (but intellect and intelligence isn't wrong in itself, and don't have to interfere with healing I think. Maybe it could be the opposite? Yes, because you understand the mechanisms behind problems we people have?)

Thinking loudly...

From your present you can make interpretations and imagine the roots for your problems... That you was treated in a certain way, that your parents or other caretakers behaved in a certain way. But those who have managed to access their feelings and with these connected memories have sometimes experienced that it wasn't quite as they thought. And those faulty interpretations can block healing and recovery Jenson thinks? I think she can be right there.

Also stuck me yesterday: I have worked for some years really. During these soon 31 years the working life has really changed. And the society has changed too?? If I had entered working life during the steel-bath years how would that have been? Should I have walked on my knees, got a nervous breakdown?

Now I was "established" in working life when the steel-bath came (during the former decade). And had a foot in working-life really (have been working extra a lot too, as church-musician and accompanist). I managed to come back from a exhaustion (some turbulent years in my life, both at work and in private-life, during which I was in therapy, which I had initiated myself, because I felt I needed help). And how would it have been if I had worked with something else than a creative work I have wondered?

I have Academic points corresponding almost 6 years full time studies. During all these studies I have worked, and worked almost full time the whole time since I started music college (a private, controversial and in "front edge" then, which really suited me)... And I have paid all these studies myself too including my living. The first years with four different employers too... Till I got a full time employment at the music-school, after almost 10 years.

How come? Why did I manage this? From where comes this sort of "strength" and all "cleverness"? And I have hidden almost all this to co-workers of some reason... I have my ideas why.

And once again; if I had entered working life during the former decade how would that have been?

And playing means you have to concentrate and focus... Stress-research has shown that you are protected from damages (muscle) if you can focus when you are practising an instrument...

And some years ago I saw a programme at TV with the Swedish brain-researcher Martin Ingvar (earlier posting on him, in Swedish). He said that women have more problems in general with focusing. And men have it easier with these things. He said this with a smile. But he didn't say this had something to do with inherited traits!

Girls are trained from earliest in life being observant on other people? They can't put up a wall (focus) against the environment as many boys/men can?

But of course there are exceptions...

Do I have to apologize for anything? For what I have achieved? Through really hard work and processing... The road hasn't lied there straight...

Quietly thinking...

Yesterday I ate lunch with a former colleague, retired since 16 years... This triggered things... I was reminded of earlier times together with things in the present it triggered thoughts, reflections...

A bit angry over reactions in the present (a person struggling, with similar things as I have been struggling); do I have to apologize or even explain anything to anyone?? Things haven't been offered to me on a silver plate - at all maybe... But I don't have to give an account of anything or apologize for anything to anyone??

Of course I need to talk to people. But I am entitled to choose to whom.

Sun here, oh, how nice.

PS. Has there been any sacrifices on this journey and which? Things that are lost for ever? But these things I want to share with people I feel real confidence with only I think.