The ACE-study...

ACEs are surprisingly common among people of all social strata, and have far-reaching consequences. For many people, it's not possible to "just get over it". Or just walk out from a bad relation etc.

What's an ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience i.e. "skadlig barndomserfarenhet")?

Adverse Childhood Experience is growing up experiencing any of the following conditions in the household prior to age 18:

• 1. Recurrent physical abuse
• 2. Recurrent emotional abuse
• 3. Contact sexual abuse
• 4. An alcohol and/or drug abuser in the household
• 5. An incarcerated household member
• 6. Someone who is chronically depressed, mentally ill, institutionalized, or suicidal
• 7. Mother is treated violently
• 8. One or no parents
• 9. Emotional or physical neglect

And I found the following text on the site “The Lamplighters”, which is a community partner to the ACE-study:

Do you fit the profile of a victim of incest or child sexual abuse?

Check any of the following individual behavior patterns that fit you.

1. People-pleasing and rescuing
2. Insomnia
3. Excessive need to control
4. Obsessive, compulsive behavior patterns
5. Needy
6. Low self-esteem
7. Suicidal
8. Weak boundaries
9. Unhealthy choices in members of the opposite sex
10. Neurotic tendencies
11. Addictions: drugs, alcohol, sex, food, relationships
12. Eating disorders
13. Chronic illness
14. Manic-depressive behavior (emotional extemes of highs and lows)
15. Severe depression

Now it's time to take a look at the other common denominators of a child who has been sexually abused, the family system ones. This is the forest that your trees (the individual common denominators) grew under. Check which of the following family systems common denominators fit you.

1. Patriarchal (or matriarchal) family system
2. Obedient/co-dependent mother (father)
3. Religiously regimented household
4. Eldest daughter
5. Alcoholic (or other addiction) parent
6. Family history of sexual boundary violators

Are you starting to see the picture?

It's never too late to get into incest recovery or recovery from child sexual abuse, sexual assault, rape or domestic violence.

About “Authentic Voices International” it stands:

“The Value of a Voice.
We believe that by telling the stories of our lived experiences, we can
help dispel the secrecy and shame that keep people from moving on
toward a brighter future.”

Hate...

More Miller. I went on reading ”The Drama…” here and there…

At pages 146-147 in the Swedish edition she writes that people who have got help in discovering their past, who in their therapy have learned to unravel their feelings/emotions and got to know the real causes to them, are no longer ruled by the compulsion to cast off (??) their hate on innocent people to spare those who (actually) deserves their hatred. They have the capacity hating what is worth hating and loving what is worth loving. Since they dare seeing who deserve their hate they can find their place in the reality without deteriorating to the same blindness as the abused child who had to spare her parents and therefore needed scapegoats.

I think the child could be aware of this? That she/he directed her/his anger at other objects than the nearest? Or the actual? At objects that were more “allowed”? And less dangerous to direct the anger against. But the emotions needed to come out in some way, and this turned out to be possible one? But the relief was only temporary.

The future of democracy is dependent on that individuals can take those steps Miller thinks. Appealing to love and common sense (reasons) is of no use so long as those steps in clearing up the early emotions are prevented by the fear for our parents.

And we probably need help confronting those fears!? More help the more hurt we are.

Those fears are hidden behind political and religious ideologies of different kinds, but also in moralistic and well-meaning values Miller thinks. You can’t combat the hatred with arguments; one has to realize their origins and use tools, instruments which make it possible to dissolve the hate.

Meeting with the justified hate is liberating, not only because the body has been tense since childhood, but above all because this experience opens our eyes for realities, liberate us from our illusions, give us our suppressed memories back and often make our symptoms disappear.

When one a last has experienced the hatred and understood that it was justified, then it becomes dissolved.

It is the unfair, on innocent cast off hatred which is endless, and doesn’t lead to recovery or dissolution. Jenson thinks that if you (unconsciously) rewrite your history the failure is inevitable. They are saying the same thing, Miller and Jenson? If you direct the anger at scapegoats the relief will become temporary, this anger won't dissolve anything? But as soon as we succeed in directing the anger at the true cause we will probably feel it?? And become more and more liberated and relaxed and free, and really feel it? If we don't become, this is a sign that we are directing the anger at scapegoats? Or CAN be a sign of that???

And can it be so that directing the anger at the true cause/s is so extremely scary that we "prefer" directing it at other targets? That it is so extremely difficult directing this anger at the true cause/s? And difficult directing at symbols too, especially power-figures of different kinds? So we rather protect perpetrators and abusers? And act it out on less scary objects? Some even going so far so they can kill other people? (but who do they want to kill actually?).

This hate is confusing Miller thinks, because it conceals realities and makes it impossible to perceive them. It is destructive because it origins in a suppressed history about a destruction whose cruelness the body remembers in its whole extent. It poisons the soul, destroys the mental memory, and kills not only the ability to insight and compassion but the judgment at heart.

A human being, who can handle her/his hatred and all other emotions honestly, without self-deception, doesn’t have to trim or garnish it with ideologies and is therefore no threat to other people.

Adding a video today too I really laugh at, every time I watch it (found it yesterday). Two big, strong men opening a can of fermented herring (surströmming)!! A tip is doing it under water, so you don't get a shower! I love this food, but I grew up with it, born in the north of Sweden! :-) And eat it with thin bread with butter (soft bread so I can make a wrap of it), fresh potatoes (mashed with the fork or sliced with the knife), raw chopped onion (you need to have a strong stomach!?). All Swedes don't like this food though. My two brothers in law are moderately fond of it I think, but they are from the southern parts of this country, so... :-)

An English-man living in Sweden writes about his debut as surströmming-eater, look here. I laughed when I read that too! He wrote for instance:

"It looks more appetizing than I imagined; for a headless, fermented creature. I work quickly, following the animated instructions from the woman opposite [!!! Curious watching him eating it!??]. Before I know it, I have gutted and filleted the creature, cutting each of the two fillets into fingernail-sized pieces, buttered the bread, dotted it with herring pieces and onions, and topped it all with slices of steaming boiled potato [Delicious!!!]. I'm ready [Now she must have stirred at him!!].

My neighbor charges my glass with a generous measure of snaps [he probably needed i!!?] and I gather my wits and my stinking sandwich. The crowd falls silent. All eyes are on me. My nose is screaming for air, my throat for a drink and my sanity for a hamburger with fries [Oh no! Surströmming is far better!]. I raise the sandwich to my mouth and in one swift movement ingest as big a chunk as I can bite off. Chew once, twice, three times and swallow.

Sweet and Sour

Delicious! [Yes, I knew it!!! It IS delicious!] The word comes out before I even realize I’m saying it [Of shock!!??]. And I mean it [OH!! :-)]. Pungent, aromatic, head-filling salty deliciousness. 'He likes it,' someone exclaims and toasts are raised and cheers cheered as another surströmming slithers onto my plate [what a luck he gets more to drink!??].

I managed three in total [what I use to eat too!! Or maybe four!]. Not as good as Lasse’s 28, but at least I kept mine down. After dinner I danced (badly) and drank (well), and made new friends (easily). Best of all, though, was the smell. I don’t know when it happened, but by the time we left at two in the morning I didn’t even notice it anymore. Surströmming: I don’t know what all the fuss is about."

And here when Swedes are eating it! :-) In a more calm, relaxed style!? Jennie bit her cheek (not fun). She was "newbie" eating fermented herring? As the young woman opposite her at the table? The man to the right of her looks really cool! :-) He has done this many times!???

Ulrika - utsatt för incest...

Ur Aftonbladet idag "Så överlevde jag att pappa våldtog mig":

”Som liten flicka var Ulrika Olson hos doktorn nästan hundra gånger, för urinvägsinfektioner och sprickor i underlivet.

Ingen förstod att hennes pappa våldtog henne.

Det har gått trettio år sedan Ulrikas pappa plötsligt kunde bli 'monstret'. Monstret som /…/ tvingade sig på henne på toaletten eller i sängen./…/Ingen kan ana vad hon gått igenom.

Spåren finns kvar. Hon måste ha kateter när hon kissar, eftersom hon var så rädd för att gå på toaletten när hon var liten att något gick fel med signalerna till urinblåsan. Mardrömmarna skrämmer, och vissa stunder kan Ulrika bli ’avstängd [dissocierar?].

Men hon har överlevt./…/

Vid hennes första minne av en våldtäkt var hon sju år. Övergreppen fortsatte tills hon var fjorton. Tecknen fanns där: skador och blödningar. Vädjanden om att inte vara ensam med pappa.

– Ingen förstod. Man pratade inte om incest då. Pappa och jag hade en fruktansvärd hemlighet, och jag vågade inte berätta. Han var som två personer, en snäll och social, en som drack och var ’monstret’./…/

Under sin tonårstid förträngde Ulrika allt. Hon blev en strulig, lite mobbad tjej som ’lät’ killarna ligga med henne.

När hon var 21 kom minnesbilderna, och hon polisanmälde./…/ [han blev dömd för]

…att ha haft samlag med sin dotter vaginalt, oralt och analt. Förutom Ulrikas minnen finns läkarjournaler där hennes skador dokumenterats. Hovrätten fastställde domen. Hon tog makten över män. Detta blev hennes sätt att hantera det hela.

”Pappan har aldrig erkänt, och de har inte sett varandra sedan hon anmälde honom. Med mamman har hon viss kontakt.

– Jag trodde att domen skulle sätta punkt. Men det var då nedstigningen i helvetet började.

Minnena slet i henne – och förstörde. Genom åren har hon försökt döva sig med alkohol, shopping, arbete, mat och sex.

– Ångesten blev ett sug i kroppen, ett tomrum som jag bara måste fylla med något. Det var som en demon i mig, något helt okontrollerat.

Hon beskriver att hon hade två delar: Den ’stora Ulrika’, hennes riktiga jag, med känslor och sliten själ. Den ’lilla Ulrika’ var kaxig med fin fasad, hon gjorde karriär och raggade upp hundratals män.

– Jag iscensatte övergreppen genom att ta makt över män. Jag fick dem att ha sex med mig och satte mig i förövarens roll, förklarar Ulrika.

Just sexmissbruket och dess konsekvenser är det som plågar henne mest i dag./…/

Vändningen kom för sex år sedan. En man på krogen nobbade henne plötsligt. Nu är han hennes make, och pappa till hennes yngste son. /…/

Det har inte gett sig självt, utan har krävt otroligt mycket. Man måste ner i det djupaste svarta.

Ulrika ler. Det finns hjälp, och det lättar att berätta. Det vet hon.”

Tydligen beskriver Ulrika en ångestrektion som kan vara vanlig bland utsatta barn.

Barn som varit eller är usatta för sexuella övergrepp kan återupprepa det skedda och bli sexuellt utåtagerande som ett sätt att göra ett internt kaos till ett externt. Ett barn som blir sett som sexobjekt får en skev självbild och en sned bekräftelse av sig själv som en bloggare skriver.

Genom att försätta sig i situationer som de tidigare varit med om hoppas de att problemet ska få en lösning.

“Jag iscensatte övergreppen genom att ta makt över män. Jag fick dem att ha sex med mig och satte mig i förövarens roll./.../

En man på krogen nobbade henne plötsligt. Nu är han hennes make, och pappa till hennes yngste son.

Oavsett vad återupprepningen består av är det smärtsamt att ändra på beteendet, det kan ha blivit som en snuttefilt och ett sätt att avleda den inre ångesten.

Bortträngingsmekanismer tränger bort ’det som hänt’ som en skyddsmekanism men upplevelsen kan aldrig försvinna .

Trygghet är en viktig pusselbit för utsatta barn som skall ’minnas, berätta vad som hänt samt få hjälp med kontrollbehov som oftast drabbar dem./…/

Första kontrollfasen är att tränga undan känslor och händelser.

Andra kontrollfasen är fasaden – man kan leva ett exemplariskt liv på ytan. Det räcker inte med att förtränga känslor.

Tredje fasen innehåller ritualer och tvångshandlingar/återupprepanden . Under allt finns skuld, skam men även andra sidor som trängts undan, resurser och kreativa sidor.”