Defences...

I have been thinking about the topic gurus and power the last months and thought of blogging about it and yesterday I started to search in my books what stands there and found something else (or not?) in the revised edition of Miller's first book "The Drama of the Gifted Child" in the chapter "The vicious circle of contempt [for weakness, for instance in the client in therapy, not recovering as fast or at all as he/she ought to. The, still unconscious, contempt for the small child, not handling things better than it did!!]" (or how is it translated in the English edition?).

At page 151 (in the Swedish edition) it stood something that triggered some thoughts, something in the style:

“The human beings whom had the responsibility for us in our childhood made it impossible for us to develop our awareness (consciousness?). They wanted to prevent (or stop) this because it threatened their defenses.”

I thought further: And it is deplorable if the development of our awareness/consciousness is hindered in our therapies by our therapists because it threatens their (the therapists) defenses. Miller writes that therapists have learned about conscious manipulation, but they aren't always aware of the/an unconscious manipulation...

And it is the latter that is so problematic... If I have understood her right.

An unconscious manipulation neither the client nor the therapist is aware of.

And this is also the problem in other circumstances and relations!?? One example is the relation teacher-pupil, where the teacher (more often than we believe or are aware of) doesn't want to know something that would threaten her/his defenses... There are probably other examples on this... I also came to think about the conception power imbalance, Kirkengen for instance has written about this. And the power imbalance between in first hand physician/doctor and her/his client. About power abuse...

The conception "censoring" also struck me all of a sudden... What is this about? What are we censoring, in others and ourselves, and why? What is actually important and what matters actually?

Quite silently: Hmmm, and that about women's voices... Do they have anything to contribute with or come with? Are the worth listening to and respectfully be met as equals? In a real, genuine exchange on similar conditions, with mutual respect? Where the message is important, more important than how it is said...

But I guess; if you are truly interested in an exchange the form matters less or maybe not at all!!??

There is (or can be??) a lot of competition among musicians... And it isn't so unusual that people say very critical things about others playing for instance... Quite contemptuous things... But who are the most contemptuous? The ones that knows "most"? Who are the most generous and maybe less critical? I don't know if I am unfair now... An maybe is it so that the ones that knows "most" also can afford to be more generous?? I don't know...

I have taken lessons for pianists like Janos Solyom, Käbi Laretei etc. Been in master-class with the Swedish baritone Olle Persson and the Swedish pianist Matti Hirvonen (as 46 year-old woman!!!! Curious on everything, still trying to develop things. That I was accepted for this master-class a summer in the north of Sweden was unbelievable for me...). I have cooperated a little (very little!!) with the singer Erland Hagegård etc. To mention some... All these well-known in music-circles here... And other teachers during my educations...

And I have seen others in action... And of course seen both good and bad things, and probably been blind for things (maybe many things)... And in a way (maybe many ways?) I probably have a lot of respect for some, maybe too much respect!??? Too...

But I don't aspire at all to be well known myself, I am satisfied with how it is. If I had any opportunity to that, any more...

The last fifteen years have been about plain surviving, to different degrees (for ten years it was almost a question of surviving), for keeping the nose above water, despite all supposed (???) advantageous'... Not for developing any skills whatsoever actually... (Including not for developing my English or for communicating on that language). But I kept on working as the clever girl; both on work-things and on personal things (not my English!)...

"Oh, you must have had support!!!"

No, I hadn't, people disappeared... I became very lonely... (blowing my hair in the middle of writing).

Someone wrote to me recently:

"...these matters can be very painful. But having faced them we become stronger."

In the context this was said (actually written) these words didn't feel especially caring or empathic at all. Excuse me, but what bullshit!!?? It doesn't automatically make one stronger. You experienced this for your own good, for to learn!!?? You deserved this, or?

When I was showering now I came to think of blind admiration too... See above, about having too much respect maybe. I have wondered and reacted over woman I have had contact with for a long time, actually a woman in my mom's age (a mother-figure??), over how she resonates and reacts over people in certain positions, how shall I express this; as if they have no faults (or blind spots), as if they are perfect, not really human beings!? One isn't allowed to question them or criticize them!? One of them is a former head for a big company here in Sweden! A man she has had some private contact with, I don't know... Oh, I react so strongly when people admire "fine people", seeing like some sort of superhuman beings, of some reason... Has something to do with my background?

This woman (actually retired teacher!) grew up in a crowd of seven children as the one in the midst, on a farm in the middle of Sweden that has been in the family for over 400 years, fairly wealthy I think. They never starved, and they had opportunities to go further in school-education (opportunities my mom didn't have, coming from the working-class, the lowest working-class too)...

I have tried to imagine how it was, how her (my friends) parents were (my think I learned to know my maternal grandparents to that degree that I can imagine how they were. I was 31 respective 33 when they died, grandmother 90 years and grandfather 87)... How her father was... From what I have read (not least from/in Miller's books). I see an authoritarian father, maybe even totalitarian... And I wonder how her mother was too, actually?? Not so little authoritarian too? Yes, that about growing up in better conditions...

This woman married a man, colleague to us, and they got two children (in my age, or a little younger)... Her husband was alcoholic (as his older brother), but this wasn't something we spoke of at all. We haven't done it at all, not even today we do speak about it (so vital things!!?). And this was some kind of secret at work too!!?? When I came here I was a 23-year old woman, not so secure and not seeing things... Her husband died in cancer (due to his alcoholism, in organs which use to be damaged if you are an alcoholic) when he had just passed 60.

My father could have developed a totalitarian regimen too? But he couldn't really? I try to imagine how it was... There were moderating factors? Mom didn't really allow him?? But she couldn't really protect us!?? She in turn had been beaten (and probably also been exposed to emotional abuse, and maybe even sexual??), her self-esteem was (and is?) very low... But I don't want to idealize her either...

With the years dad changed I think (seen from the child's point of view)... He became more democratic, less strict, in a way?? And much more anxious for things, for us, when we were on the road home for instance, which made me very astonished!! Now he allowed himself to let things to surface more? But not the really vital things??

No, I must do something else than writing... Many threads and sidetracks here?

Giving voice…

And when people at last start speaking up, are trying to use their voices, her/his language, how do you meet her/him? How do you react? On the content? On how it is said, the manner, the form?

Yes, of course, if that person says things in a bad manner and says bad things… Then you react, maybe have to react!!?

Not least my dad had high demands? We should know and manage things at once, immediately!! His patient was limited, and maybe even hardly existing?? We should understand things that possibly had no idea about before and manage things immediately, as for instance when we should learn to cycle... I wasn't old and I had a big bike... Not a child's bike.

That summer we were at my aunt's home when mom and dad where in Germany (but that was the only time they were abroad together), and there I learned to cycle. When mom and dad returned I should proudly surprise them with coming there cycling. I had my aunt's bike (also a big bike, which still stands in an an outhouse where she lived!??). Came down the road, but drove out into the gravel near the ditch and fell. I broke my collarbone and we drove on fairly bad roads to the nearest doctor, 40-50 kilometers away...

When we came home again I helped my aunts husband with throwing firewood down in their cellar, despite I was hurt... The clever girl.

Hmmm, are they better with children who are parents??? Does this automatically make one better with them? If I have no other examples I have my dad??? Father to six children…

And later when you asked for help, had questions, clear; when do you use this expression and when this? What’s the difference between this expression and this? Nuances in language etc. You didn’t get any real answers… That’s really strange! Because the one that got the questions last believes in the ideas of giving children a voice!!!

Was this only (or mostly) rhetorical?

I saw a TV-program long ago, a café-program, where they interviewed a "laugh-therapist", quite sceptical I listened to it… This therapist was an older woman, maybe in her sixties… But in the end I thought she was quite likeable!! SHE was, but I am still sceptical to laugh-therapy and different methods and concepts… She said one thing, that made an indelible expression (!!??) and that was that she admitted that she maybe didn’t live as she learned always!! At that time there was someone in my life that couldn’t really do this? So filled with his own enormous importance (and probably very insecure?) I think. So it was so liberating to hear her, a mature woman saying this!?

And by the way, I think my dad was a little like that, he couldn’t admit wrongdoings?? And treated us as we were dull and not knowing, as there was no idea to really discuss with us... He was educated agronomist, educated at Ultuna, belonging to the University of Uppsala. Now I see that this education is only 4, 5 years! I thought it was 5!! A brother and a sister are agronomists too, and have one year pedagogy on top of this! This means that I maybe have more academic points than they! I didn't believe I had!!! (and we the oldest have the longest and/or prestigious educations of six siblings! A male therapist said something ironical that I mentioned the ones that was "best" educated first, a sigh! But I took us in order... And what does this say maybe? About demands, high demands? But our roads has not been lying there straight... We haven't walked from success to success... And we are all hard-working? A sigh. Not taking a lot of space? Or? Doing our best? I think)

Came to think of “The Tao of Pooh” by Benjamin Hoff, somewhere there it stands about the very quiet voice as you hardly can hear in the beginning, the trick of following it?

It stands something about Hoff that as interesting:

“Hoff grew up in Sylvan, Oregon, where he acquired a fondness of the natural world that has been highly influential in his writing. /…/ Prior to his career in writing, he worked as a tree pruner, antiques restorer, hospital orderly, investigative reporter, photojournalist, recording musician, singer, and songwriter. In his spare time, he practices Taoist yoga and Tai Chi Chuan.”

His website. There it stands that he is not a promoter of his own work!!! And in an essay here he explains why he is leaving his authorship?

Earlier postings on clever child (both in Swedish and in English).

Pippi...

A reflection all of a sudden: Pippi, the rebel, meant a lot for Tommy and Annika?? The two well-mannered children. With her attitude of questioning things, her way of living, her whole appearance... Stockings in two different colors, the shoes and cloths, the red-hair... Slept with her shoes on and the feet on the pillow... Let her horse walk into he house. When she should clean the floors in her house she put the brushes on her feet and skated around there!!

"Can one really do like that???"

Look at the picture below! Tommy and Annika peeping over the fence, with big eyes and dropped chins!!

But how was it actually for Pippi? Under the surface? Did she hide something? Did she sacrifice something? Was she allowed to express everything or only certain things?

"I have my monkey and horse and the house Villavillekulla, and a lot of money..."

Strong independent... Not needy... I wonder with a lump in my throat..

PS. And the grown up world found themselves in this? That a child lived alone in a big house. No, they tried to put Pippi on a children's home, even tried to force her there with the help of two constables, but Pippi refused to be taken there. The constables couldn't handle her. Pippi was so strong so she lifted them up and threatened them with throwing them away. Or did she actually throw them away? I don't remember (how many children wish they could do that or something like that? That they had the strength to protect themselves? Even if it isn't verbalized or thought in real thoughts?).

Of two bad things she choose the less bad; to have the (relative) freedom living in her own house, with her monkey and horse...

And if one should take this further to real life and real children!!?? Struck me...

PPS. And that about women's voices: are they needed to be heard, or...? You can really wonder... Do we need them at all?? Do women have anything to say? Do they have anything to contribute with? Or do only some have something to say? And what is the most important: what you say or how you say it, seen formally...?

When people raise their voices it must be done in a certain way? And even more if it is woman raising her voice? Then she must do it perfectly??? And not so seldom she has these demands on herself too?? Even if she dares to put them aside, or challenge this by nevertheless raise her voice and try to communicate and speak out loud, despite if how she says it isn't perfect seen to grammar etc.

How many voices have been silenced on the road?

And who keep on raising their voices? Not troubled of the impression they make? Who are more bothered an concerned about the outer appearance even if one maybe don't think they do??

Silently wondering... In fact not so gladly...

It has been things on this road, so now it is soon too much???

But my wish and need to express things has been greater than all self-criticism, and it still seems to be a little greater than this criticism... Because after all, I don't think I am totally stupid?? That I don't realize my limitations at all... Because I do? Or don't I?

Once again, concerning my work, research has found that women have more problems with stage-fright than men... What can this mean? Even there women's voices have become silent?

And it's not only talent or capacity that are the prerequisites for a career as musician, I think I read this recently in a book I have referred to on another forum, that you need someone on the road believing in you and supporting you.

And in the music-history men are dominating... And they are still dominating... Even if things are better" there today. And, of course, men also can have handicapping troubles with stage-fright!!!

Who gets (the) support, and who gets less support???

Strikes me now about my youngest brother, during summer-vacation from his education (to medical engineer at college) he worked at hospital. He in fact reacted, with a smile (a little ironic??), that he thought he got differently treated than the young women...

But I am not at all striving for any career in this work!!! I am satisfied with how it is... Sometimes it feels as I would like to move out into nowhere and disappear...

Harshly beating myself, you stupid, lousy, bad... No, not so glad, no...

Working and working, tired to death!!! With this not said that anyone is forcing me! Of course it is "my own fault"!!!

I wonder what this is triggering: people talking above my head, as if I didn't exist? And had nothing to say? As if what I have to say is so shamy?? And the way I do it is too??

Struggling with this, and in fact challenging this side!?

The "funny thing" is that a female physician (psychiatrist and gestalt-therapist), I didn't visit as a client in therapy though, said to me that I should dare to do things less perfect or how I shall express it!! In a similar manner as a young woman sick-paid for exhaustion was encouraged to deliberately spell words wrong when she wrote, to challenge her perfectionism, allow herself to be more human or something like that...

And, what is behind or beyond (??) these perfectionist demands, or the rebellion against them (which doesn't exclude blushing cheeks)? Who help one with this? Who want to know about them? Maybe last of all a physician (the clever girl or boy)??

Astrid Lindgren's Emil, among her all other strong children-figures (many a bit rebellion!?), got a fairly high position in society... A position with societal power... Noone else of her figures did?? Pippi never grew up?? What happened to her?

Earlier postings on disobedient child (both in Swedish and in English).

Boundary violations…

But what is she doing??? (the first meeting?)

[updated January 21 in the end]. Now in the morning I came to think about the topic limit-setting of children of some reason. And thought further on boundary violations and Kirkengen.

Boundary violations take place everywhere!? And have different expressions? Some are visible right away and others are very subtle?

How do we handle them when we meet them, if we meet them? For instance: how do we as grown up protect ourselves? I believe we aren't as helpless and powerless as children are concerning this... Except if we don't land in a deep crisis... Then it can become tricky... I have the book by Marie-France Hirigoyen on mobbing and stalkers. It stands about her that she is (was) nun and that she is psycho-analyst now.

And that you see in her book I think, that she is psychoanalyst I mean. She hasn't shaken this off. Is so brain-washed with Freudian concepts. My gut-feeling is that I doubt she can really contribute to solving what's actually the causes to mobbing and stalking.

I see some parallels to the American neurologist Jonathan Pincus and his research on serial killers, he hasn't shaken all old ideas off entirely either.

But he feels less moralizing than Hirigoyen?? And reading him feels better.

But none of these two say that the criminal, mobber or stalker don't carry responsibility for what they do or have done.

Now back to the original thread: There’s a lot of talk here about limit setting of children… And among grown ups the ones with for example exhaustion-troubles are said to have to learn to pose boundaries… And to learn to know their limits… A bit ironically... (Things are made individual problems. But that’s another discussion). Why do people have problems with boundaries? To pose them (and thus protect them,selves) and/or stepping over others boundaries?

I came to think of the Norwegian doctor Anna-Luise Kirkengen and that she has written about boundary-violations and their effects (if not immediately so later), and the concept revictimization.

There were several references to boundary-violations in her book “Inscribed bodies”, and in the first the concept bio-medicine was mentioned too.

At page 2-4 she writes (my italics):

“Those human conditions which are embedded in interpersonal relations, societal values, and culturally constituted meaning, are, through the very logic of biomedical theory, made invisible. The logic of the dominant methodology also renders them incomprehensible. Finally, they are deemed ignorable or irrelevant since values and meaning are non-issues according to objective science. The result is that the power implicit in social rank and the humiliations of human beings due to abuses of power are turned into non-medical logics, making medicine, inevitably blind to the adverse effects which abuse has on human health [the results of abuse isn’t ‘only’ psychological ill-health to different degrees!]. This becomes even more the case whenever the practice of such abuse is either societally legitimized or culturally taboo./…/

As medicine is a respected societal institution, and in its guise as a science, the normative character of biomedical epistemology accrues crucial influence. It effects central decisions with regard to what is, and what is not, to be considered relevant in drawing medical conclusions. Purporting to apply objective scientific knowledge while actually applying societal norms, medicine as a practice maintains the mandate to define the categories of ill health and malfunctions. By defining these categories, medicine has the right to include any conditions which meet the categorical criteria. Thus, according to the rules of formal logic, medicine also has the power to exclude those conditions which fail to meet those criteria. This distinction between ‘proper’ and ‘improper’ states or conditions plays a role in every medical decision. The norms of biomedicine are embedded in the practice of any medical examination and treatment, and affect every living person who addresses a medical institution in the role of a sick patient. Through application of these norms, distinguishing the ‘proper’ from the ‘improper’ within a formalized societal context, medicine has the power to stigmatize people who ask for help for ‘improper’ conditions. While acting in the name of giving help, medicine may, in fact, violate a person’s dignity. But even those who present apparently ‘proper’ conditions may risk stigmatization if presumably appropriate medical interventions prove ineffective. According to objectifying medical theory, such measures ought to result I a predictable outcome. If they consistently do not, the most probable question is not, ‘what is wrong with medical judgment and medical theory?’ but rather ‘what s wrong with this patient?’ Failures stemming from the foundations of professional judgment, namely medical knowledge acquired by applying rules requiring objectivity, are more likely to be attributed to those whose conditions fails to improve. In other words: Medical norms exclude, marginalize and then stigmatize.”

Side-track: is this the case even more today, with doctors’ limited time with each patient?

And in school: shouldn’t we all try to improve the school in general, together, isn’t this our common concern?

I have cooperated with class-teachers (grade 1-3) as preparation for the music-school. An offer from the music-school, as a way to reach all children, not only those having support from home… To give all children an opportunity to experience the joy of singing, dancing, playing… And maybe make them want to go further, and learn to play an instrument. (I want to add: during all my work life there has been discussions round instrumental education; genres not least, to use the music young people listen to, and to use all the new techniques when it came: synths, computers etc. etc. etc. I am a bit tired hearing about this, as the very ambitious person I am, working and working and trying and trying. Hearing ‘you should this and that!!’ And those saying this, what do they actually know about what I, or we, do?? Quite sarcastically to be honest!!). With the ambitions t give all children an opportunity to become active executors not only passive consumers… Does this sound idyllic, and unrealistic, a stupid dream?

And back to the question limit-setting: why do children and young people have problems with boundaries? How do we handle this?

The best would of course be if we did something as early as possible… The best would be before the child was born; informing about a child’s needs (if we know which they are? For this we probably need to have access to our own history… Which would probably demand a tough, hard work on ourselves, and how many are interested in that?).

I don’t know what is actually possible at school: but with a child acting out on others and in the class-room, what should one do? And what is done actually?

I don’t believe in “obey and keep quiet”! The authoritarian, totalitarian method…

Are grown ups afraid of hearing about actual truths? And/or afraid of having to deal with something they don’t know how to handle? The method of solving this is sweeping this under the rug!???

Is it possible to talk to the child face to face, in person, and explain to it, calmly and not moralising that you can’t do this or that, and at the same time be open to listen??? And to hear!!?? This would probably also require that this grown up has support from other grown ups in the environment, so he/she can keep the professional, empathic stand he/she ought to have??

The sad thing is that this I probably so much easier to talk about than to do… Just because I think we all have experienced things we don’t want to be reminded about…

But from some professionals we are entitled to demand more in this respect: not least from psychologists, therapists of all kinds, probably also doctors and at last people in school…

Silently: personal development isn’t highly regarded or rewarded though… At least from some bosses… I wonder if a more seeing co-worker also can be a little dangerous!!?? The more aware and enlightened this person can see other things and question other things and that is “a bit” dangerous… (or very dangerous straightly said!!??).

So children are at risk of becoming revictimized already in school…

I see parallels to what Kirkengen describes in medicine to the conditions at school. But I don’t work in the “regular” school, only in its outskirts.

Another sidetrack: research has shown that the ones that are more empathic are at greater risk of being burnt-out…

What am I taking on my shoulders? To change the whole world? What is my responsibility? Is this only my responsibility? Can I do this on my own? And what shall I do on my own? What can I do? The first step is to articulate things? To say it out loudly? Test the thoughts in that way? And by this also process my own personal things? Discover what is actually driving me, and by this maybe also deal with things more constructively? Not burdened with a lot of own unprocessed, unconscious stuff? Which can make me behave and handle things maybe both self-destructively and destructively, i.e., harming myself and/or others even if I don't want to do that (which I perhaps do)?

And things I meet: what is about me (and are things I should do something about) and what is not about me, but the other person actually??? What am I to blame for, and what I am not to blame for?

PS. It's convenient with people taking the blame on them, with people blaming themselves?? That about defences... Which are actually protections against old pain Bosch and Jenson mean, and they cause problems of all sorts in grown up life. I think Bosch even writes that they can be life-threatening.

On the label "the Primary defence" (blaming yourself). And the label "defences".

A sigh, how pretentious is this? Escape out on a walk, out into the nature?? Disappear? Become invisible??? As I wanted in my teens... Didn't want to be seen, be visible. So when I got new cloths I didn't want to take them on in school!! Wanted to stay like a gray mouse!? Why?

Hmmm, somewhere when I had passed 30 I started to dare to dress much more personally, with more colors... And here I also started to awake with anxiety! Scary to show who I was? To go out there in life thinking I was someone? I have also noticed that my hand-writing changed somewhere here! I use to write my name on all my music-books also dating when I bought the book in question...

And I wonder if I have a dash of Body Dysmorphic Disorder??

PPS. And, yes, I have done a cosmetic operation (pure cosmetic), a big one (no breast or something like that). Being photographed is something I dislike enormously, and being recorded when I am playing, singing or talking is awful too. I can stand it if I don't have to listen to it... Is this something genetic maybe, as suggested in articles about this disorder? Or how was that child mirrored and viewed? With dislike even ranging to disgust sometimes? The musician Sinéad O'Connor in fact mentions this in an interview!!?? Does she suffer from a slight variant of this disorder?

I see people around, have seen and amazed wondered; what's the difference: all these people having relations, and not seeming to have any problems with this... Despite this and that. And I think it may be so, that it doesn't have to have anything to do with a child's intelligence, brightness, beauty what concern parental love. There exist parents capable of loving a child hpw "faulty" it even may be. And this child grows up with this natural belief that it is valuable, and doesn't care at all about how talented or god-looking it is!? But this is probably fairly rare, that a child is treated i this way, that the parent doesn't need of for certain purposes or for filling her/his needs?

And it also struck me now, when I was to the grocery store (and in no time at all did what I should there, very effectively, with a sigh!), that: is this some sort of competition? Who is most harmed and who is less? Who has had it worse? So the one "more harmed" is in a position where he/she and/or is allowed things the less harmed isn't?? Can it be so? "What do you have to complain about??? You who...!!!"

In a similar manner as the father was excused for this and that, because of his lousy upbringing??

"What do you have to complain about; you with your back-ground, all the opportunities you got and had!!??"

Just this fact, does it give others permission to mistreat? And isn't this fairly contemptuous?? Too!!? What have I done to that person? Just the fact that I exist is enough?? And that I exist as the one I am? I have to take this humbly, full of shame for who and what I am (as if what I am, how I live etc. is something to be jealous about at all!!!). Bow my head and just take it?? Shall I?

And have I done that person something? What in that case? Wouldn't it be better I was told that first??

Deemed beforehand, because I am this and that?? As piano-teacher you are..., as teacher you are..., with your background you are...?

And in fact, I have been very quiet with my middle-class back-ground, with educated parents and all siblings, at work etc. (as if it was something so fine or fantastic!!!), where I come from, about the family, what we had, what we did, what we do...

And this background was no bonus either round 1970 and further... (quite ironical. I wasn't mom and dad!! Was I? I hadn't chosen parents as little as anyone else! And what did I experience? I don't know, surrounded with a lot of hypocrisy!!?? People seeing up, blindly admiring, not imagining what could occur in such a family and with such highly regarded parents? So I wonder if things had to be even more suppressed maybe? And the Denial bigger? In a way? So, I don't know, who has had it worse? As if that give anyone some kind of discharge from liability, quite ironical!!! So discrimination what is that? All my life having to excuse and apologize and hide...? And frankly, those who don't understand this can take them in their asses!!! I try the best I can, have always done, and tried not to make any differences on people, whether I have succeeded or not!! And I stand on the "weak's" side, and have always done, but today I do in another way, hopefully?).

I bought two bouquets of tulips in the store... Now some tea and then a walk. When I return home some lunch. Thought I should bake root-crops in the oven, but the oven has to get warm first... A late lunch - again!!

Addition: as if the "more harmed" has rights the "less harmed" don't have!!?? How one measures this actually? And is this some sort of competition either, or? But grown ups between; both have the same rights and responsibilities?? And you ought to be entitled to demand the same treatment, a similar respect etc.?? Or?

Addition January 21: see earlier blogposting on empathy deficits and biomedical scientists.

Master suppression techniques...

In another circumstance I searched on the Master Suppression Techniques and found this, translated to English:

"The Master suppression techniques were a framework articulated by Berit Ås to describe five means by which women are or were subjugated in Western patriarchical societies.

The techniques are:

• Make Invisible [surround that person with silence for instance, as if she/he doesn't exist?]
  
• Ridicule
• Withhold Information
• Damn If You Do And Damn If You Don’t
• Heap Blame and Put to Shame"

The roots to this, to this need (whether it's conscious or not)? If I had time I would refer to things Ingeborg Bosch has written I think... The need of bullying (spela översittare).

But I want to add that Ås has pointed out that the use of these techniques can occur not only men towards women, but also women between etc. Used when someone need to exercise power, maybe feel more powerful and knowing, put her/himself above whether it is conscious or unconscious...

What legitimacies bullying of any kind? How big or small, even the most subtle... Can one blame early childhood abuse? And who is responsible for that early abuse actually? And later: is that early abuse to blame for what you do or say, for your actings today? Some small, silent wonders...

Hmmm, that about being well mannered... And what is actually done for my own good? Of real care? Of real concern? What matters and what is important actually?

PS. I have written a blogposting about "Women's voices"... About singing-technique and being able to raise your voice (even technically), even if singing is something I just slightly touched upon in my two music-educations. Over whose voices are dominating, everywhere, even on the net (and who is listened to and seen and heard?).

And it is a bit funny that I have been method-trained in teaching singing... I don't think I know much there... But enough to reflect on these topics (do I know anything about anything I wonder silently?).

Reflections...

I should do other things than writing!! Practice piano (I have a lot to work on, but not least my fingers need to be "in good form" now with a concert soon), go to the grocery store, fix up here, and not least relax… Read a god book, take a walk or just do nothing?

Thoughts that got triggered (a lot stored up through experiences the last years, in circumstances and with people one should expect would be enlightened and maybe “better” than people out in real life?)!!! But I wonder if there isn't people in real life that are worth being liked and loved, despite their lack of enlightenment, as much!?? Or even more?? With risking to be unfair here. I wonder if I have become badder treated in the first mentioned circumstances than I have been by people in real life!?? Just something I am tasting and now by articulating it am trying to explore if that's true? Wouldn't it be the opposite?? Shouldn't it be otherwise? I don't know if I am unfair now...

I also came to think of what Jenson has written about shame and from where feelings of shame comes according to her. Shame both for yourself and on behalf of others… I also came to think of the Wall of Silence, experiencing that, being surrounded by that.

Also thought, once again, over contempt (for weakness, but not only for weakness) in different shapes, expressed in different ways…And how people have reacted when one have asked for help and posed questions… How some just pull their shoulders (??): "well, I can’t (doesn’t want) to help you! (I simply don't know where to start, because what you are asking for is..., how shall I express it? There's SO much to change, so...?) You have to figure it out yourself!?" Isn’t this exactly as the father once: "I don’t know! You have to figure this out yourself/sort this out yourself!"

Contempt over people striving and struggling on their own, the best they can?

There was a girl I think, striving from early childhood to manage all and everything on her own, to figure everything out on her own. Afraid of overloading an exhausted, occupied mother and an occupied father… The consequences and results of this am I thinking of…

As a grown up with a grown ups eyes (or??? What do I know?? What have I understood?): isn’t it incredible that she managed what she did on this journey? That she managed things to the degree that she did, on her own?

With little help or support. Maybe not being truly seen (or seen for what?)?

Ashamed of "all she had"... Had to be ashamed over it. To excuse it.

I must have an enormous need to express and articulate things? A need that is bigger than concerns about being “perfect” or doing things perfectly?

In the middle of this I came to think of music-lessons I joined as auscultator some years ago in classes with children with Downs Syndrome. Their directness to feelings and emotions…To expressions and to joy!! :-) And they also showed when they didn’t like something!! With little censorship? That about controlling yourself… What the brain – and intellect can do… And what can this lead to in the worse cases? If you control yourself too much? Yes, the less you have contact with the “homo ludens”??!! When you are unable (more or less) to laugh and play? For which there can certainly be reasons… So one shall not moralize over this either? Unless you aren’t in a power-position where you have means to kill it for others…

And I have also recalled the last time what my piano-teacher at the Conservatory (after the high-school or gymnasium at the nature-science program) said to me once… That there was something (self)destructive in me. When I dared to express things in my playing something struck me down?? As if I was forbidden to show who I really was? Become visible?? Show hat I had to come with? How much I had to come with? How lovable, colorful, interesting, I don’t know? That I had something to come with and express? With this not said that I am angel, with no faults, someone that is perfect…

I don’t want to be loved for my achievements… Was that my problem?

We (me and my three oldest siblings) moved five times during our childhood (till I was 18 years old), so we had to change schools, friends, class-mates, environments, teachers of all kinds, including piano-teachers (in my case)…

I was no go-getter? Didn’t have to be best?? Or then (at least as a little older) I wasn’t as ambitious and diligent as I have later become!? And I was interested in a lot: reading books, music (but didn’t think of working with this), rode horses, tried a lot (even practically),very active, fantasizing… And, yes, I had it fairly easy at school? “Oh yeah, you shall not complain over anything!! With all opportunities to do all those things!!! You ought to be ashamed! You should be grateful! You should be ashamed!”

Silently: how loving is such an attitude? Is this an expression of empathy? Of understand? I don’t know who deserves empathy or understanding? (but I can’t help wondering who gets it both here and there and on different levels in society! And who doesn’t get it?).

A feeling of having to apologize for my whole existence… For who and what I am I think…

But what have I actually done to others? Just by existing?? Or? What am I actually guilty for? What can I be accused for? What is MY fault? What am I actually responsible for? How hard that even would be for me to realize… What crimes have I actually committed? No, I don't want to hurt or cause damage...

Am I entitled to be proud and glad for some things? Or can I allow myself that?

I think Miller is right: if we direct things at scapegoats instead of at the ones that did harm to you you will never get liberated. Jenson expresses this in another way, in the style: “if you rewrite your history the failure is inevitable.”

I think she is right… Directing things at scapegoats or reacting at symbols doesn’t solve things… Directing things at relatively safe targets or at safer targets, more allowed targets maybe too (i.e. not ones parents).

But the tricky thing is to know what is what, yes…

Yes, children can become scapegoats in families!!! Be garbage cans for everything that can’t be expressed in other manners!! And they easily land in similar conditions later in life?

There was a family once with a lot of cute children... Almost like Pip-Larssons. But this family had a higher position though than Pip-Larssons... With more educated parents, with a higher material standard... Belonging to the middle-class. Where the environment saw up to these parents... People sighed when they saw all these cute, well mannered children!!! Suddenly dentists discovered that the two oldest had a lot of "supernumerary" tooth-germs ((?)of all things)! So here started a history of surgeries for more tan five years, where over ten teeth-germs was taken away for the oldest sibling (who had a fontanel over the whole scull, down on the forehead, making her mother scared she had got a damaged child), less for the one year younger. A third sibling also had a variation of this syndrome (he also had that enormous fontanel, but no extra tooth-germs (?)).

The dentists laid this family last on the day, because they were so very interested in this very nice family!!!

I wonder how many of these operations were necessary? Did they cause anything?
Did they make things worse? Even? But it is as it is...

Time for lunch, now!!! A late!!

PS. But articulating things has been good, in the long run??? And the road has not been lying there straight ever!!?? Despite "all I have got"... Not for what I have, what I have achieved, where I am... Not for who I am either??

And the sacrifices, losses on this road... Things that are lost for ever... Things I will never get.

PPS. On a walk now in rain, when it had become dark I thought further on for instance silencing factors here and there... Came to think of:

"Use what talent you possess - the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best" (Henry van Dyke).

And also found this (but this isn't what I strive for I think):

“To desire and strive to be of some service to the world, to aim at doing something which shall really increase the happiness and welfare and virtue of mankind - this is a choice which is possible for all of us; and surely it is a good haven to sail for” (Henry van Dyke).

And who is the snobbish one? The one that is supposed to be?

"Bully" is "översittare" in Swedish.

If you are very strong you have to be very kind…

I thought more on power and the power of defining things for others either as parent, other grownup or in society on different levels... And wondered who had said “If you are very strong you have to be very kind”. It was Pippi who had said that…

Then I found this here (click on "Pippi Longstocking" in the margin to the left):

“On the outskirts of a tiny little town was a neglected garden. In the garden stood an old house, and in that house lived Pippi Longstocking. She was nine years old, and she lived there all alone. She had no mother or father, which was actually quite nice, because it meant that no one could tell her that she had to go to bed just when she was having most fun. And no one could make her take cod liver oil when she would rather eat sweets.

Once upon a time Pippi did have a father whom she loved very much. And of course she once had a mother too, but that was so long ago that she couldn't remember her at all. Her mother died when Pippi was a tiny little baby, lying in her cot and crying so terribly that no one could stand to come near. Pippi thought that her mother was now up in heaven, peering down at her daughter through a hole.

Pippi would often wave to her and say, 'Don't worry! I can always look after myself!'

But Pippi had not forgotten her father. He was a sea captain who sailed the great seas, and Pippi had sailed with him on his ship until one day a big storm blew him overboard and he disappeared. But Pippi was sure that one day he would come back. She didn't believe that he had drowned. She believed that he had washed ashore on an island that was inhabited by natives and that her father had become king of them all. He walked around wearing a gold crown on his head all day long.

But Pippi had not forgotten her father. He was a sea captain who sailed the great seas, and Pippi had sailed with him on his ship until one day a big storm blew him overboard and he disappeared. But Pippi was sure that one day he would come back. She didn't believe that he had drowned. She believed that he had washed ashore on an island that was inhabited by natives and that her father had become king of them all. He walked around wearing a gold crown on his head all day long.

'My mamma is an angel, and my pappa is king of the natives. Not all children have such fine parents, let me tell you,' Pippi used to say with delight. 'And as soon as my pappa builds himself a ship, he'll come back to get me, and then I'll be a native princess. Yippee, what fun that will be!'”

A child (re)assuring herself?

Här finns texten ovan på svenska (klicka på "Pippi Långstrump" i marginalen till vänster).