I should do other things than writing!! Practice piano (I have a lot to work on, but not least my fingers need to be "in good form" now with a concert soon), go to the grocery store, fix up here, and not least relax… Read a god book, take a walk or just do nothing? Thoughts that got triggered (a lot stored up through experiences the last years, in circumstances and with people one should expect would be enlightened and maybe “better” than people out in real life?)!!! But I wonder if there isn't people in real life that are worth being liked and loved, despite their lack of enlightenment, as much!?? Or even more?? With risking to be unfair here. I wonder if I have become badder treated in the first mentioned circumstances than I have been by people in real life!?? Just something I am tasting and now by articulating it am trying to explore if that's true? Wouldn't it be the opposite?? Shouldn't it be otherwise? I don't know if I am unfair now...
I also came to think of what Jenson has written about shame and from where feelings of shame comes according to her. Shame both for yourself and on behalf of others… I also came to think of the Wall of Silence, experiencing that, being surrounded by that.
Also thought, once again, over contempt (for weakness, but not only for weakness) in different shapes, expressed in different ways…And how people have reacted when one have asked for help and posed questions… How some just pull their shoulders (??): "well, I can’t (doesn’t want) to help you! (I simply don't know where to start, because what you are asking for is..., how shall I express it? There's SO much to change, so...?) You have to figure it out yourself!?" Isn’t this exactly as the father once: "I don’t know! You have to figure this out yourself/sort this out yourself!"
Contempt over people striving and struggling on their own, the best they can?
There was a girl I think, striving from early childhood to manage all and everything on her own, to figure everything out on her own. Afraid of overloading an exhausted, occupied mother and an occupied father… The consequences and results of this am I thinking of…
As a grown up with a grown ups eyes (or??? What do I know?? What have I understood?): isn’t it incredible that she managed what she did on this journey? That she managed things to the degree that she did, on her own?
With little help or support. Maybe not being truly seen (or seen for what?)?
Ashamed of "all she had"... Had to be ashamed over it. To excuse it.
I must have an enormous need to express and articulate things? A need that is bigger than concerns about being “perfect” or doing things perfectly?
In the middle of this I came to think of music-lessons I joined as auscultator some years ago in classes with children with Downs Syndrome. Their directness to feelings and emotions…To expressions and to joy!! :-) And they also showed when they didn’t like something!! With little censorship? That about controlling yourself… What the brain – and intellect can do… And what can this lead to in the worse cases? If you control yourself too much? Yes, the less you have contact with the “homo ludens”??!! When you are unable (more or less) to laugh and play? For which there can certainly be reasons… So one shall not moralize over this either? Unless you aren’t in a power-position where you have means to kill it for others…
And I have also recalled the last time what my piano-teacher at the Conservatory (after the high-school or gymnasium at the nature-science program) said to me once… That there was something (self)destructive in me. When I dared to express things in my playing something struck me down?? As if I was forbidden to show who I really was? Become visible?? Show hat I had to come with? How much I had to come with? How lovable, colorful, interesting, I don’t know? That I had something to come with and express? With this not said that I am angel, with no faults, someone that is perfect…
I don’t want to be loved for my achievements… Was that my problem?
We (me and my three oldest siblings) moved five times during our childhood (till I was 18 years old), so we had to change schools, friends, class-mates, environments, teachers of all kinds, including piano-teachers (in my case)…
I was no go-getter? Didn’t have to be best?? Or then (at least as a little older) I wasn’t as ambitious and diligent as I have later become!? And I was interested in a lot: reading books, music (but didn’t think of working with this), rode horses, tried a lot (even practically),very active, fantasizing… And, yes, I had it fairly easy at school? “Oh yeah, you shall not complain over anything!! With all opportunities to do all those things!!! You ought to be ashamed! You should be grateful! You should be ashamed!”
Silently: how loving is such an attitude? Is this an expression of empathy? Of understand? I don’t know who deserves empathy or understanding? (but I can’t help wondering who gets it both here and there and on different levels in society! And who doesn’t get it?).
A feeling of having to apologize for my whole existence… For who and what I am I think…
But what have I actually done to others? Just by existing?? Or? What am I actually guilty for? What can I be accused for? What is MY fault? What am I actually responsible for? How hard that even would be for me to realize… What crimes have I actually committed? No, I don't want to hurt or cause damage...
Am I entitled to be proud and glad for some things? Or can I allow myself that?
I think Miller is right: if we direct things at scapegoats instead of at the ones that did harm to you you will never get liberated. Jenson expresses this in another way, in the style: “if you rewrite your history the failure is inevitable.”
I think she is right… Directing things at scapegoats or reacting at symbols doesn’t solve things… Directing things at relatively safe targets or at safer targets, more allowed targets maybe too (i.e. not ones parents).
But the tricky thing is to know what is what, yes…
Yes, children can become scapegoats in families!!! Be garbage cans for everything that can’t be expressed in other manners!! And they easily land in similar conditions later in life?
There was a family once with a lot of cute children... Almost like Pip-Larssons. But this family had a higher position though than Pip-Larssons... With more educated parents, with a higher material standard... Belonging to the middle-class. Where the environment saw up to these parents... People sighed when they saw all these cute, well mannered children!!! Suddenly dentists discovered that the two oldest had a lot of "supernumerary" tooth-germs ((?)of all things)! So here started a history of surgeries for more tan five years, where over ten teeth-germs was taken away for the oldest sibling (who had a fontanel over the whole scull, down on the forehead, making her mother scared she had got a damaged child), less for the one year younger. A third sibling also had a variation of this syndrome (he also had that enormous fontanel, but no extra tooth-germs (?)).
The dentists laid this family last on the day, because they were so very interested in this very nice family!!!
I wonder how many of these operations were necessary? Did they cause anything?
Did they make things worse? Even? But it is as it is...
Time for lunch, now!!! A late!!
PS. But articulating things has been good, in the long run??? And the road has not been lying there straight ever!!?? Despite "all I have got"... Not for what I have, what I have achieved, where I am... Not for who I am either??
And the sacrifices, losses on this road... Things that are lost for ever... Things I will never get.
PPS. On a walk now in rain, when it had become dark I thought further on for instance silencing factors here and there... Came to think of:
"Use what talent you possess - the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best" (Henry van Dyke).
And also found this (but this isn't what I strive for I think):
"Bully" is "översittare" in Swedish.
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