Language and talents…

More loud thinking (quite ironical): emotional language is put lower than intellectual. Emotions are put lower than intelligence. The intellectual (and not least intelligent) is put higher than the emotional! Many musicians though have the language too, to a high degree and a lot of other talents. But many of us don’t really have the words; use the music-language instead to express things. And artistic expressions is needed, and have always been through history even back to ancient times, to express things we don’t have words for really? Especially emotional things?

And once again see the phenomenon alexithymia, a phenomenon researchers think is increasing in this world. And one can wonder: why is that? Why do more and more people lack emotional language? Is it only a question of that we become more and more people in the world? Or what is it about? An inherent trait/gene? (I don't think so though! I think this is something we have been taught early in life effectively. But it is possible doing something about. Probably with a lot of struggles and efforts though, which wouldn't have been needed if we had been allowed to express our feelings/emotions from the first beginning).

I came to think that this means that "children’s and women’s language" is put lower? Because in general they use a more emotional language? But there are exceptions of course!!! In both directions.

Is this a question of being taken seriously (i.e., being met with real, genuine respect)… Something that isn’t given to everybody.

You shall have your feelings, emotions under control, or at least have these under control to a certain degree? You shall express yourself in a balanced way, and preferably with the best language possible! Otherwise you can keep quiet or you get corrected or not even listened to or read!

And you know the grammar syntax, vocabulary are important! You don’t get a second chance to explain yourself better, by being asked what you really mean!!

Isn’t there a contempt involved here? A contempt for children (or the child)? A contempt for weakness in fact?

“Don’t be so childish!!”

People get embarrassed on behalf of you!? This we (I) have to avoid!!!

And these things aren’t only expressed in spoken words, but by other means: silence (the wall of silence), you aren’t taken any notice of, disregarded etc.

You can withdraw in a lot of manners, not only emotionally but also physically. But a grown up has choices here, choices a child didn’t have! A grown up can deal with this, if she/he isn’t so (too) paralysed by her/his passed.

We have had to repress HOW painful these things were, many of us can’t even slightly recall HOW painful? We are made insensitive to different degrees to these things. Which is no excuse but only an explanation.

Once again I noticed the phenomenon “talking above ones head” I think… But it didn’t bother me so much as it did. I hope! I just noticed it with a slight smile, a bit ironical smile… Talking in riddles here? Never mind. I allow myself that.

I have been taught that men are better (in general), because they have their emotions in check and don’t get carried away with their emotions (as they are born like this)! Thus they are more reliable. At the same time I am learned/taught to being sensitive, caring, thinking on.

Or they (not least mom I guess) have at least tried to teach me!!! I don’t think she consider her trials there especially successful!! I will never become that sensitive or caring or thinking on never ever! Not in her eyes at least. I will remain that selfish, egoistic, only thinking on myself. In contrast to maybe ALL my siblings?? To be honest.

This with sensitivity is one of probably many contradictions! On one occasion being insensitive is acknowledged and praised, in another NOT. Depending on who is insensitive/sensitive?? Depending on the glasses you see through? (how they are colored).

And that about getting carried away with uncontrolled emotions: on other occasions this isn’t/wasn’t even noticed!! Namely when the father (and later brothers) came home from work and poured all his (their) frustrations out on the family, and not least the kids (relatives; siblings, and not least sisters). But it was worse for the wife; because she was more sensitive than the kids, who were less sensitive?? And the kids was spared compared to the wife!!! (observe the irony!!!)

To be continued… I am going to take a shower now. Have a lot more on my mind (wrote a lot down in my note-book this morning before I sat down at the computer).

To “understand” and “forgive”…

visited one of my old schools today (see here too.).

I had even more reflections over the phenomenon ”understanding” and ”to understand” when I drove to a service of my car and during the service of it today…

To understand OTHER people! But can you if you don’t (and haven’t been allowed or got the opportunity) to understand yourself? Doesn’t one have to start with oneself? And maybe understand not so pleasant things about oneself? Even very painful things? Truths about oneself and ones life?

Each one of us ought to have that responsibility understanding oneself?

Thought about forgiveness once again, and forgiveness connected to understanding. If you forgive you are a good, broad-minded, grown up person! But WHOM and WHAT have one understood actually? The forgiving is a higher standing human being, even morally? Is a better human being? And gets universal improvement and applauses!!!?? If you are faithful to one or both parents you get applauses! Even from so called helpers!! (therapists, psychologists etc.).

The back of forgiveness and understanding is what? Or what can it lead to?

Exploitation and being used? For some, preferably women (but probably also for many men).

You understand and forgive once again in a false hope of changing the other person/part? Or you use false power anger or false power denial of needs to avoid being forced to deal with anything that demands realization, recognition of a painful truth?

A fourth way is blaming oneself, maybe even harshly!!

And many possibly switch between these protection strategies or defenses…

And never the two really meet!

And you keep on directing things at scapegoats or symbols!? And this strategy will never solve anything. Because I think Miller is right: trying to solve your problems symbolically will never lead to recovery. Not even a slightest bit of recovery??

I think Bosch and Jenson are right here…

PS. And the whole society suffers from a cleverness mania! From cleverness at work to being able to walk further whatever has happened to you!!! Of course some manage with this!!! But why do they? And why do other people have difficulties with this? I don't think this has with genes or inherited traits to do!

I tried to find to whom Jesus said "Take your bed and go" and found a site called "The Bible-school" (Swedish site) and dropped my cheek over the underlying moralistic tone in the text!!! As I read it at least!

Love and communication…

from a very nice walk in a stream bed...

In one of our evening papers they wrote about love, sex, and partnership a couple of days ago…

I quote from it: A cut off communication can be difficult taking up again. But it is possible, even if it demands both patience and understanding.

Things that happened here made me reflect on the topic “understanding” and forgiveness on a walk late this afternoon… I was quite upset walking in the woods. Thought on where I want to give it, of free will because a person is so important, and where I don’t really want to give it, because I am not really free to choose and have never been free choosing, but forced to understand and forgive and think on!!! Do I at last have this right? In the age I am!! Horrible it is like this! That I am still not really, really sure? Or am I, a bit more?

Lack of lust can have many bottoms, often a combination of both outer and inner factors which influences us.

Long term stress, anxiety and lack of sleep can create an undefined depression. A low self-esteem and inner demands can be reasons.

The basic, fundamental rules for communication are honesty, respect and sensitiveness for hearing. From both parts I want to add (seen to my parents’ marriage, where there wasn’t balance in that respect!!).

When you want to bring something up/about with your partner, try to start from your self, your thoughts, emotions and needs.

Describe what you appreciate and what you feel good by.

• Remember/don’t forget: to talk, laughter - and sex.
• Show consideration and solicitude. Do something that is good for your partner. A showed consideration makes a big difference and it doesn’t always have to be something magnificent to have effect. Rather small expressions of love each day than one big half a year.
• Give each other time: both you and your partner need space and time for recovery and for resting. That’s beneficial for the lust. In everyday life you can take responsibility for different days when it comes to household things. Let one evening be your own, where you yourself decide what you want to do. If you want to sleep, do exercise, meet friends or just be.
• Touch is life important. Upgrade everyday petting/necking! A kiss, a caress and a warm hand are things which gives us power and energy. It awakens desire and lust and all our senses. Everything doesn’t have to lead to sex necessarily, but being reminded about the partnership and that longing exists is beneficial.

• Be glad over the differences. You and your partner are different. Remaking (?) each other (trying to make the other person to somebody else) is nothing to aim at. Allow the differences and see them as an inspiring source to development. However, some conflicts are important clearing out. Then do this with great respect for yourself and the one you love. You ought to have the sight directed at finding a new balance in feeling well together.

All for love…

With Luciano Pavarotti and Bryan Adams!!! See earlier posting (with the text).

Child abuse...

from this photo-album.

[Slightly edited during the day, really needed as the spontaneous, impulsive I am]. Some more loud thinking, quite spontaneously:

A person wrote that

“Small children are beaten because they are too young to tell anyone else.”

I thought further on this, and think that you can do a lot of other things too to small children because they are too young to tell anyone else; not only beat them, but ignore, abandon, meet them with the Wall of Silence etc. to make them compliant, and of course abuse them emotionally in different ways (humiliate them for instance), and not least sexually. And sexual abuse in different forms are much more usual than we imagine? And many of us deny what sexual abuse actually is? As we deny other forms of abuse and what abuse actually is too...

And what you have learned at an early age sits steadier in the spine (or backbone)…

Frightened for being abandoned; I came to think how it was when I and my siblings were born; the newborn baby was taken from the mom immediately to become bathed! What has this caused? Was this the first occasion the child was abandoned? And as a baby the child had no words to express its feelings with...

Both my parents were born at home. But was this birth less traumatic? Or traumatic in other ways?

Mirroring a child…

a nice picture on the ship Götheborg in Luleå (taken by my cousin B.).

In the car on my way to the hairdresser in my hometown, a trip on almost two hours in each direction, I got a lot of thoughts. About how I have been mirrored. As a truly lovable? With a value only by existing, no matter talents, outer appearance or anything?

I also came to think of relying on authorities; like doctors. When I was in my beginning teens the dentists discovered I had much too many tooth germs. And they thought they had to take them away or move them in the jaw. So I had to undergo many operations. The first was carried out when I was about to turn 13 I think and the last when I was 18.

I have wondered later: were they necessary? And what did it mean taking these teeth (as germs still) away? Sidetrack: when I search on this on the net it looks as it is more usual with lacking tooth germs (called aplasi or hypodonti in Swedish)! My one year younger brother also suffered from this, but not as "severely." We got a lot of attention from the dentists too for this, and for being so cute kids and such a cute, nice family (a sigh)!!

Thought there in the car (quite upset, angry, sad): what about rebelling against the origins of these "traits"; ones inability to truly mirror ones child (and giving it genuine self confidence) and rebel against exaggerated respect for authorities?

Further: One of my sisters said to mom this morning that she thinks the psyche affects the health (and body). Mom didn’t agree with this, she thinks it goes in the opposite direction that bodily illness can make one depressed (believes in pills and measures carried out from the outside so to say. She has worked as nurse). She thought that being sick influences ones mood. This means that if you cure your bodily (somatic) illness your mood changes accordingly. You feel better in your soul too when or if your bodily illness gets cured.

I don’t agree really… See Kirkengen’s findings for instance, and the ACE-study here… These findings supports the notion that adverse childhood experiences causes later ill health.

In the car I also thought (once again. I drove AND tried to throw some words down in my calendar at the same time) that just changing the behavior and thoughts isn’t enough to radically change things! Awareness or understanding isn’t enough either. But it is at least a step in the right direction, and maybe also more than many people ever do during their lifetime?

I also thought about symbolically reacting. It can probably give temporary relief, but the relief doesn’t last, sooner or later one has to act things out again, one has to react symbolically.

Thought about the father coming home from work, pouring his frustrations out in horrible outbursts on the family (not least the children). He never got less angry really (unless up in high age, but still he reacted at his grandkids in a way that made me drop my cheek as we say here; got so surprised, because suddenly I saw this? Something I had probably experienced myself as a kid, but forgotten?).

At last: Jenson writes that if you rewrite you history/story the failure is inevitable (translated from the Swedish edition).

My interpretation: if you interpret your reactions, problems etc. (even very cleverly) as results of this and that, you can be rewriting your story. People in successful therapy have discovered things they had no idea about, and discovered that it wasn’t really as they thought. But as bad as they thought.

Being in the here and now…

Visit to Svedbovallen August 3...

Järvzoo 2 augusti 2008...

Some silent thoughts a rainy day (the weather is really lousy)...

I read something in a forum about parents not being present mentally. This made me think… The last couple of days I have had two relatively small kids around me. A cousin’s kids. They have needed a lot of entertainment – and probably attention.

Sometimes I have my siblings’ children around too for a little longer time.

And on top I work with young people in ages ranging from 6 to 20 years since more than 30 years. Unfortunately I have no own kids… But I think I CAN live with it. Have to at least.

I have noticed how difficult in can be for me to engage in playing cards with those kids nearest me!! And to play games.

But at work I have a lot of patience, and have had always had? And thought it has been fun working with young people (mostly).

Do I get enough of this at work?

Suddenly I recalled (once again) that it was the same with my dad; he was very little interested in joining when we played games or cards!! And this made me react, I noticed this as a child.

And when we did something together: for a period we had a hobby-farm and all were engaged in the work there, the kids too. For instance in hay-harvest. Or when we did something else later, as papering the new house mom and dad had built, when we were working in the garden, when dad and mom helped when I (or a sibling) moved from one place/home to another, everything should go so quick! We worked so the till the sweat was dripping, and did what we should in no time at all. In many ways I didn’t have my dad as idol though. Could get very angry and sad at him about this.

I have adopted this style of working (so has my youngest sister, and we usually smile over this trait in us, maybe with a slight sigh) I do things very efficiently – usually!

And I don’t have the patient really to play cards or games with kids!!! Can’t really enjoy it!!!

This is a bit sad… I wish I could much more. Rushing through life?

Occupied with something else? Something unconscious or subconscious?

Mom wasn’t present either a lot of the time, very occupied with having a perfect home, perfectly fixed up, and having a lot of cute kids…

And I haven’t had time yet really to let all impressions and all I have experienced sink in. A cold telling me to slow down?