The keyword is respect…

Unlikenesses to each other (or differences) in a relation can be stimulating – so long as one respects each other (mutually).

No dating-firms (businesses) pair a meat-eater with a vegan. But in real life love doesn’t make such considerations. Some people are even drawn to what’s different (or unlike).

“It’s a question of personality,”

a female Swedish psychologist says.

“People whom are fearless or daring in their attachment style can think differences are exciting.”

And by age you can develop more and more into that direction, from being quite cautious?

During the falling in love time (or phase) differences can even be charmy. It’s not until the hormones are calming down one starts to wonder.

“How will this function?”

You don’t use your “left brain half” when you are in love. No (or little) logic thinking is involved.

Therefore one needs to sit down and resonate:

“We are very different, how shall we handle this?”

If you can solve the problems together, communicate and have a good sex life most of these things will get fixed and function. The keyword is respect.

“The best is to accept that this person is in a certain way and learn to handle this.”

With time you adjust to each other. This doesn’t have to mean compromising yourself to death, but can on the contrary (on the other hand) mean that you broaden your mind ("widen your views" or "vidgar dina vyer" as we say here in Sweden)!

“Love is to compromise a little (on the same conditions and mutually). To get a good relation you need to preserve both your own self and adjust to each other. You shall not change yourself to please, but to discover new things and have fun together.”

“But sometimes a relation with someone who is the entire opposite of oneself is entirely precarious.”

“When the differences becomes too big it ends up with that you make things with other people (maybe entirely) than with your partner – and what sort of relation do you have then?”

Miller writes about our longing for true, genuine communication. Yes, that’s what we seek, even if we aren’t aware of it or are thinking in these terms??

Read here, here and here.

Feelings an adult wouldn’t feel if a sound maturity had occurred...

Read something that really triggered feelings and thoughts...

The American therapist Jean Jenson writes that certain feelings/emotions – like abandonment, being expelled, insufficiency/inadequacy, deep dependency, that one is “mean” or “bad” or feels shame – are experienced now, in our adult life, ONLY because we couldn’t feel these emotions as children. These are feelings adults wouldn’t have if a sound maturity had occurred.

Independently of the actual circumstances, these are always OLD feelings, when they are experienced in adult age.

I think she is right, but this doesn’t mean we can’t or don’t have to understand the adult feeling/having these emotions!!!

More on language…

this sonata has actually nothing with moonlight to do! It was written after a close friend's death. And you can hear the fury in the last movement (see below). Are these things possible to express in words?? Are there things we can't express in words?

Are we really prepared to listen to a child’s trials to express what it has experienced and feels? Expressed with its “limited” language!

And are we prepared to listen to a grown up and what he/she actually is trying to say?
Or are we only prepared to listen to those with the best language?

AND to the most intelligent (at least the seemingly most intelligent)? Whom we admire a lot?
So long as the other person isn’t really mean or harming, why don’t we, shouldn’t we?

Putting some (or many) things in words isn’t easy. Putting certain things in words IS difficult, and sometimes even impossible! But it isn’t sure all people have difficulties with the same things! Or have any significant difficulties expressing themselves at all (but they are quite few)? Probably depending on their history and experiences up until now?

When we aren’t really heard many of us tend to use more and more words? Either in speech or written words? Or both? When we are speaking for deaf ears we use more and more words?

If we aren’t heard either by other people or/and by ourselves? Maybe we need to use all those words until we get heard by other people and/or ourselves? And need to search ourselves forward with the language we have (for the moment)? We can have deaf ears for ourselves too? Be blind for actual opportunities of different kinds too and for actual, genuine appreciation and liking, sometimes even love that is in reach? If so, isn’t that sad? Maybe even very sad? In the worst cases walking a whole long life without realizing what we could have gotten and achieved?

Maybe we need to express things in spoken and/or written words until we hear or see what we are saying?

And nobody stands up there with a perfect language, as a perfect musician (or anything else), no matter how talented we are or were from the beginning. Even if not so few thinks so, even among grown up people! Even among “intelligent” people! In music we will never get full learned!

Even the most talented need exercise and training! Even a Mozart needed! And he got that exercise very early in life! But what did he suffer? A training a Beethoven never got? The former produced a lot of music very easily and quickly, and the latter struggled very hard. But he too produced fantastic, great music (in many persons’ eyes - and ears)!

Language and talents…

More loud thinking (quite ironical): emotional language is put lower than intellectual. Emotions are put lower than intelligence. The intellectual (and not least intelligent) is put higher than the emotional! Many musicians though have the language too, to a high degree and a lot of other talents. But many of us don’t really have the words; use the music-language instead to express things. And artistic expressions is needed, and have always been through history even back to ancient times, to express things we don’t have words for really? Especially emotional things?

And once again see the phenomenon alexithymia, a phenomenon researchers think is increasing in this world. And one can wonder: why is that? Why do more and more people lack emotional language? Is it only a question of that we become more and more people in the world? Or what is it about? An inherent trait/gene? (I don't think so though! I think this is something we have been taught early in life effectively. But it is possible doing something about. Probably with a lot of struggles and efforts though, which wouldn't have been needed if we had been allowed to express our feelings/emotions from the first beginning).

I came to think that this means that "children’s and women’s language" is put lower? Because in general they use a more emotional language? But there are exceptions of course!!! In both directions.

Is this a question of being taken seriously (i.e., being met with real, genuine respect)… Something that isn’t given to everybody.

You shall have your feelings, emotions under control, or at least have these under control to a certain degree? You shall express yourself in a balanced way, and preferably with the best language possible! Otherwise you can keep quiet or you get corrected or not even listened to or read!

And you know the grammar syntax, vocabulary are important! You don’t get a second chance to explain yourself better, by being asked what you really mean!!

Isn’t there a contempt involved here? A contempt for children (or the child)? A contempt for weakness in fact?

“Don’t be so childish!!”

People get embarrassed on behalf of you!? This we (I) have to avoid!!!

And these things aren’t only expressed in spoken words, but by other means: silence (the wall of silence), you aren’t taken any notice of, disregarded etc.

You can withdraw in a lot of manners, not only emotionally but also physically. But a grown up has choices here, choices a child didn’t have! A grown up can deal with this, if she/he isn’t so (too) paralysed by her/his passed.

We have had to repress HOW painful these things were, many of us can’t even slightly recall HOW painful? We are made insensitive to different degrees to these things. Which is no excuse but only an explanation.

Once again I noticed the phenomenon “talking above ones head” I think… But it didn’t bother me so much as it did. I hope! I just noticed it with a slight smile, a bit ironical smile… Talking in riddles here? Never mind. I allow myself that.

I have been taught that men are better (in general), because they have their emotions in check and don’t get carried away with their emotions (as they are born like this)! Thus they are more reliable. At the same time I am learned/taught to being sensitive, caring, thinking on.

Or they (not least mom I guess) have at least tried to teach me!!! I don’t think she consider her trials there especially successful!! I will never become that sensitive or caring or thinking on never ever! Not in her eyes at least. I will remain that selfish, egoistic, only thinking on myself. In contrast to maybe ALL my siblings?? To be honest.

This with sensitivity is one of probably many contradictions! On one occasion being insensitive is acknowledged and praised, in another NOT. Depending on who is insensitive/sensitive?? Depending on the glasses you see through? (how they are colored).

And that about getting carried away with uncontrolled emotions: on other occasions this isn’t/wasn’t even noticed!! Namely when the father (and later brothers) came home from work and poured all his (their) frustrations out on the family, and not least the kids (relatives; siblings, and not least sisters). But it was worse for the wife; because she was more sensitive than the kids, who were less sensitive?? And the kids was spared compared to the wife!!! (observe the irony!!!)

To be continued… I am going to take a shower now. Have a lot more on my mind (wrote a lot down in my note-book this morning before I sat down at the computer).

To “understand” and “forgive”…

visited one of my old schools today (see here too.).

I had even more reflections over the phenomenon ”understanding” and ”to understand” when I drove to a service of my car and during the service of it today…

To understand OTHER people! But can you if you don’t (and haven’t been allowed or got the opportunity) to understand yourself? Doesn’t one have to start with oneself? And maybe understand not so pleasant things about oneself? Even very painful things? Truths about oneself and ones life?

Each one of us ought to have that responsibility understanding oneself?

Thought about forgiveness once again, and forgiveness connected to understanding. If you forgive you are a good, broad-minded, grown up person! But WHOM and WHAT have one understood actually? The forgiving is a higher standing human being, even morally? Is a better human being? And gets universal improvement and applauses!!!?? If you are faithful to one or both parents you get applauses! Even from so called helpers!! (therapists, psychologists etc.).

The back of forgiveness and understanding is what? Or what can it lead to?

Exploitation and being used? For some, preferably women (but probably also for many men).

You understand and forgive once again in a false hope of changing the other person/part? Or you use false power anger or false power denial of needs to avoid being forced to deal with anything that demands realization, recognition of a painful truth?

A fourth way is blaming oneself, maybe even harshly!!

And many possibly switch between these protection strategies or defenses…

And never the two really meet!

And you keep on directing things at scapegoats or symbols!? And this strategy will never solve anything. Because I think Miller is right: trying to solve your problems symbolically will never lead to recovery. Not even a slightest bit of recovery??

I think Bosch and Jenson are right here…

PS. And the whole society suffers from a cleverness mania! From cleverness at work to being able to walk further whatever has happened to you!!! Of course some manage with this!!! But why do they? And why do other people have difficulties with this? I don't think this has with genes or inherited traits to do!

I tried to find to whom Jesus said "Take your bed and go" and found a site called "The Bible-school" (Swedish site) and dropped my cheek over the underlying moralistic tone in the text!!! As I read it at least!

Love and communication…

from a very nice walk in a stream bed...

In one of our evening papers they wrote about love, sex, and partnership a couple of days ago…

I quote from it: A cut off communication can be difficult taking up again. But it is possible, even if it demands both patience and understanding.

Things that happened here made me reflect on the topic “understanding” and forgiveness on a walk late this afternoon… I was quite upset walking in the woods. Thought on where I want to give it, of free will because a person is so important, and where I don’t really want to give it, because I am not really free to choose and have never been free choosing, but forced to understand and forgive and think on!!! Do I at last have this right? In the age I am!! Horrible it is like this! That I am still not really, really sure? Or am I, a bit more?

Lack of lust can have many bottoms, often a combination of both outer and inner factors which influences us.

Long term stress, anxiety and lack of sleep can create an undefined depression. A low self-esteem and inner demands can be reasons.

The basic, fundamental rules for communication are honesty, respect and sensitiveness for hearing. From both parts I want to add (seen to my parents’ marriage, where there wasn’t balance in that respect!!).

When you want to bring something up/about with your partner, try to start from your self, your thoughts, emotions and needs.

Describe what you appreciate and what you feel good by.

• Remember/don’t forget: to talk, laughter - and sex.
• Show consideration and solicitude. Do something that is good for your partner. A showed consideration makes a big difference and it doesn’t always have to be something magnificent to have effect. Rather small expressions of love each day than one big half a year.
• Give each other time: both you and your partner need space and time for recovery and for resting. That’s beneficial for the lust. In everyday life you can take responsibility for different days when it comes to household things. Let one evening be your own, where you yourself decide what you want to do. If you want to sleep, do exercise, meet friends or just be.
• Touch is life important. Upgrade everyday petting/necking! A kiss, a caress and a warm hand are things which gives us power and energy. It awakens desire and lust and all our senses. Everything doesn’t have to lead to sex necessarily, but being reminded about the partnership and that longing exists is beneficial.

• Be glad over the differences. You and your partner are different. Remaking (?) each other (trying to make the other person to somebody else) is nothing to aim at. Allow the differences and see them as an inspiring source to development. However, some conflicts are important clearing out. Then do this with great respect for yourself and the one you love. You ought to have the sight directed at finding a new balance in feeling well together.

All for love…

With Luciano Pavarotti and Bryan Adams!!! See earlier posting (with the text).