"Research shows that the female brain naturally releases oxytocin after a 20-second hug. The embrace bonds the huggers and triggers the brain's trust circuits. So Brizendine advises, don't let a guy hug you unless you plan to trust him."
"Cirkus in Stockholm. Chess (see here too) is written by Björn Ulvaeus Benny Andersson and Tim Rice. Here's 'Du och jag' (You And I) from the Swedish production though this clip is from another concert but still with Helen Sjöholm and Tommy Körberg who was in the Swedish cast.Addition February 8: And now I am sounding almost like Tommy Körberg in the last video!!?? :-) When he had flu when he sang directly in TV I just have a cold!?
Here's the Swedish lyrics:
Anatolij: Vad kan jag säga Vad kan jag göra Allt som jag känt - det som har hänt Kan du förklara
Florence: Jag var för dum att förstå Dum och naiv - jag gick i fällanAnatolij: Kan du då tro på mitt ord - du är mitt allt
Båda: Du är min dag min natt Du är livet när det pulserar Vågen som slår - allt som vibrerar Du och jag Drömmar av glas Krossade i ett slag Ibland skärvorna står vi Vi som hör samman Åtskilda går vi
Anatolij: Vad har jag gett dig Har jag förrått dig Har jag nåt val - tankarna mal Jag vill ha kvar dig
Florence: Jag har fått nog av allt spel Nu är det slut - nu är det över
Anatolij: Kan du förlåta mitt svek - jag är din vän
Båda: Du är min sorg min gråt Du är smärta när den briserar Vågen som slår - allt som torterar Du och jag Drömmar av glas Krossade i ett slag Ibland skärvorna står vi Vi som hör samman Åtskilda går vi."
The author writes, that the boarding schools have been so effective in their forming of the kids, that an attack on them becomes like an attack on all those who have passed this school-system through. The most miserable victims are the system’s most angry defenders. But I would add that the problems probably have started earlier in life, already at home with the relation to the parents or other caregivers. And on top of this children are separated from parents they haven't got the support or respect from as they should have gotten? They have no real, genuine ground to build on. And they probably react to this in different ways; some (or many) by hardening themselves against all, everyone and everything? But functions socially and behaves normally, are capable of doing that (have learnt a role)?
See Jan Guilliou's "Evil" (based on a book)! Guilliou was cruelly hit by his stepfather.
The author writes (my translation): “How may times haven’t I heard maimed or ‘cut off’ people [stympade människor på svenska] saying ‘I wasn’t damaged by this’?"
And also “Boarding School Survivors – workshops for men and women”. At this site it stands:
"Boarding School Survivors was founded in 1990 and has two principal activities:
Firstly, in order to raise public consciousness, they research, lecture, write, and broadcast about the psychological effects of sending children away to school, and the social system which has encouraged this process.Secondly, they run a programme of therapeutic workshops for adults who have recognised that they may have paid a price for their education, and are looking for ways to understand and heal their wounds. These courses, which have been running for over ten years, receive referrals from GPs, community organisations and counsellors, and have benefited many people, by allowing them to leave aspects of their past behind, and to develop their true potential.
The founder, Nick Duffell, is an accredited psychotherapist registered with UKCP, a supervisor, freelance trainer and a Sexual Grounding Therapist. Boarding School Survivors is an organisational member of the British Association for Counselling. "
See this site. And about "Public Schools and the Platonic Ideal". And about "Unsentimental Education".
Also see “Imperial Reckoning - The Untold Story of Britain's Gulag in
And once again what Alice Miller on the political consequences of child abuse.
"Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry.
The pair examined childrearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds -- even separate rooms -- and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood.
The early stress resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller./.../
The pair say that American childrearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But they say that parents are on the wrong track: physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own.
'We've stressed independence so much that it's having some very negative side effects,' Miller said."
Maybe it is the opposite: if (small) children get respect from their parents, if they have been taken up when they are crying, and been allowed to sleep in the same room as their parents and maybe even in the same bed (respecting boundaries and integrity of the child) they develop to truly, genuinely independent individuals? With a sound, healthy independence? Where the individual can function both on her/his own and together with others??
The article ends like this:
"...other factors have helped form our childrearing practices, including fears that children would interfere with sex if they shared their parents' room and doctors' concerns that a baby would be injured by a parent rolling on it if the parent and baby shared the bed. Additionally, the nation's growing wealth has helped the trend toward separation by giving families the means to buy larger homes with separate rooms for. The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn't like caring for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical relationships.
'I think there's a real resistance in this culture to caring for children,' Commons said. But 'punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people.'"
At last the article in Norwegian:
"Britiske privatskoler skaper en klassekultur av et slag som er ukjent i resten av Europa. Det ekstreme eksemplet er internatskolene som skiller barn fra foreldrene ved åtteårsalderen for å forme dem til medlemmer av en fjern elite. I boka ’The Making of Them’ viser psykoterapeuten Nick Duffell [se också om boarding school överlevare] hvordan disse kunstig foreldreløse overlever tapet av familien ved å distansere seg fra følelser av kjærlighet og tilknytning. Overlevelse innebærer ’en ekstrem herding av normal menneskelig mykhet, en alvorlig avskjæring fra følelser og følsomhet’. De er ute av stand til å knytte seg til folk (nære vennskap med andre barn hindres av en morbid homofili-frykt), og blir i stedet oppmuntret til å gi sin naturlige lojalitet til institusjonen.
Dette gjorde dem til ekstremt effektive kolonitjenere: Om kommandanten beordret det, kunne de organisere en massakre uten et øyeblikks nøling (jamfør offiserene som slo ned Mau Mau-opprøret, gjengitt i Caroline Elkins' bok ’Britain's Gulag’). Det betød også at lavere klasser hjemme kunne slås ned på uten den minste bekymring. I mange år har Storbritannia blitt styrt av avstumpede mennesker [anser hon!??].
Jeg gikk gjennom dette systemet selv, og jeg vet jeg vil måtte stri med virkningene av det hele resten av livet. Men en av de nyttige ferdighetene det har gitt meg er evnen til å gjenkjenne det hos andre. Jeg kan gjenkjenne et tidligere internatbarn på 200 meters hold - jeg kan se og lukte skaden dryppe fra dem som svette. Konservative regjeringer var proppfulle av dem - selv i John Majors 'klasseløse' regjering hadde 16 av de 20 mannlige medlemmene av 1993-regjeringen gått på privatskole, 12 av dem på internatskole. Privat utdannede dominerer politikken, embetsverket, rettsvesenet, militæret, finansverden, mediene, kunsten, universitetene, de mest prestisjefylte profesjonene - til og med, som vi har sett, overvåkningsorganet for frivillige organisasjoner. De gjenkjenner hverandre, frykter de uformede menneskene fra statssystemet, og gir sine privilegier videre til folk som dem selv, ofte uten å være klar over det.
Systemet er beskyttet av taushet. Fordi privatskolene har vært så effektive med å forme barnas sinn blir et angrep på skolen til et angrep på alle som har gått gjennom den. De ynkeligste ofrene blir systemets argeste forsvarere. Hvor mange ganger har jeg hørt avstumpede mennesker erklære at 'jeg tok aldri noen skade av det'?"
---
“Children are separated from their families at 8 years old to be formed to the coming elite. They survive the loss of the family with distancing themselves from feelings of love and attachment. Survival means ‘an extreme hardening of normal human softness, a serious screening for emotions and flexibility (accommodation)’. They are incapable of attaching to people (near friendships with other children are hindered by a morbid fear for hemophilia) and they are encouraged to give their natural loyalty to the institutions instead.
This makes them extremely loyal colony-servants; if the commander orders it they are capable of organizing a massacre without (any) hesitation."
The author thinks
"Privately educated are dominating politics, governments offices, the judicial system, the military, the finance-world, the media, the art, the colleges, the most prestigious professions… They recognize each others; fear the unformed human beings from the state system and give their privileges to people like themselves, often without being aware of it.
The system is protected by silence.”
My maternal grandmother and her siblings lived during the school-year in something which was called "arbetsstuga", in a village called Korpilombolo (I think), so they wera also separated from their parents and family for long periods. How was that? After WWII they ("arbetsstugorna") were called "eftermiddagshem" and later "fritidshem."
"Jane har nu gått på ACA- eller CODA-möten en gång i veckan under mer än ett år och har läst många självhjälpsböcker om medberoende och dysfunktionella familjer.Jenson tror inte att de räcker bara med att lära sig korrigerande beteenden (s. 32).
Hon har lärt sig hur hon kan tala om för sin man att hon inte vill åka och fiska på deras semester eller träffa hans familj varje jul och att barnen ockå ska ha något att säga till om i dessa frågor (att sätta stopp); hon låter inte längre sin arbetskamrat utan vidare lägga armen om axlarna på henne och ge henne en kram (att sätta gränser); hon har slutat ringa till sina mamma flera gånger om året för att 'få' henne att göra en mammografi (att vägra att ta på sig ansvar som inte är hennes); och hon har skapat rutiner som gör att alla i familjen delar på uppgifterna i hemmet så att hon inte längre gör allt hushållsarbetet och dessutom arbetar heltid.
Trots detta känner Jane sig inte så lycklig som hon trodde att hon skulle göra efter dessa förändringar. Någonting fattas.
Jane käner sig fortfarande sårad, arg, förbittrad, åsidosatt, rädd för att säga och till och med för att tänka vissa saker. Hon kan inte bara koppla av och läsa en bok eller ta en promenad. Hon nedvärderar fortfarande sig själv, känner sig otillräcklig som maka och mor, och undrar om hon gör tillräckligt bra ifrån sig på jobbet.
Hon tycker ibland att hon är elak mot sin man och sina ban och att hon borde kunna kontrollera sitt humör bättre. Detta är två insikter som tycks ha utvecklats parallellt med henne nya förståelse för sig själv."
true, not obsessive, care and love? Dear friends?"Dan hade gjort slut med en kvinna som han var mycket attraherad av efter att ha blivit utnyttjad av henne, men han hade ändå svårt att låta bli att följa efter henne så fort han såg hennes bil.
Eftersom hans känslor var så starka, var han rädd att han kanske trots allt fattat fel beslut - tills han upplevde den smärta som utlöstes av insikten att han aldrig upplevt att bli älskad som barn utan endast utnyttjats.
Efter denna insikt var det aldrig något problem för Dan om han råkade träffa på kvinnan."
Dan was compulsively occupied or obsessed, stuck (self-destructively) with this woman to the degree that he just had to follow her... But he didn’t feel comfortable with this though? Despite this he just had to do as he did, confused over the compulsion (of following her on distance?). Until he got access to something… Then there were no problems any more with her. She had lost her "spell" over him. He realized she didn't mean anything to him actually!? He had just reenacted something from early in his life, trying to earn love from someone who treated him badly (and maybe even very badly)!? The badder he was treated the more occupied he became??
But he would have remained occupied with her if he had only been told to avoid her by a helper/therapist (if he had only been encouraged to go against his feelings, encouraged to train to do the opposite from what he just had to)!!?? Now he got appropriate help, and after that it was no problems with this woman any more (and no problems for this woman either, if she had had problems with him).
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